Louise Pearson Counselling

Louise Pearson Counselling I'm an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker, trained grief counsellor and Gestalt Psychotherapist. Contact me for a free 15 minute phone consultation.

I provide individual counselling sessions which are either face to face, via phone or Telehealth.

07/12/2025

One of the things that I have been hearing a lot about this week from my clients, is the problems that often arise for them associated with the expectations of others. While this can be a problem at any time of year, it seems that Christmas introduces a whole new range of expectations, especially from our nearest and dearest.

Some of these expectations will be about how we choose to spend the day itself. Others however, will be about simple things like where people are going to sleep when the house is full of people and space is at a premium, who will take responsibility for preparing what foods, whether to buy individual gifts or to do a secret santa, and so on. Sitting listening, I can't help thinking that so often these issues would be less of a problem if we took it upon ourselves to communicate our needs more clearly and respectfuly, and tried to see things from each other's perspective.

As an example of what I mean here, let me tell you about a client I was speaking to a few days ago, who regularly has her Aunt Elizabeth to join her family for a few nights over Christmas. Now this client has MS, and navigates her world, incredibly successfully might I add, in a wheelchair. Perhaps not wanting to acknowledge the physical changes in their daughter caused by the MS however, her parents never speak openly about her symptoms. They therefore have very little understanding of the fatigue that she deals with on a daily basis, how the heat affects her, the issues that she has with bladder and bowel, and when they suggest family activities (like going to the beach), don't seem to give a thought to how my client can reach the ocean in her chair.

While this is how they cope on a daily basis, Christmas does indeed introduce new problems for the family. With both my client and her Aunt coming to stay, both need to be accommodated. As they fail to recognise her disability however, they also believe that giving their one single bed to her Aunt is necessary and polite, as it acknowledges her age. Well this leaves my client in a position where she cannot get in and out of her bed (a matress on the floor) with any ease. She can't go to the toilet at night independently, and so on.

To me, this is a great example of where communication of her needs should be respectful yes, but also clear and concise, with my client needing to hold her boundaries and make some points non-negotiable. She has been in a wheelchair for ten years now, and the time for her to sugar-coat the impact of her disease so that her parents feel better about it, is in my opinion, long gone. I believe that in this situation, she needs to draw their attention to the physical issues that she has with sleeping on a matress, but also to say that although she may have allowed it in the past, this is not something she is prepared to do anymore. If they would like to get out of their bed to accommodate her Aunt, they are perfectly at liberty to do that. If they would rather their daughter didn't come to stay, then that too is an option, but she cannot continue to have her holiday ruined by exhaustion and by the frustration of her needs being brushed under the carpet, going into the future.

Of course this is just one example. Other clients have talked about the difficulty of negotiating which meals should be spent with which family members for example. Where divorce has caused a separation in the family, or where new partners and their families are being introduced, often this will also change the christmas traditions that have been in place for years. I think that often problems arise in these situations because people feel fear about rocking the proverbial boat. They feel themselves being backed into a corner (something which none of us like), and can often feel frustrated as much by their own inability to say what they want to say, as with other people who are not listening. If however, we can accept that difficult conversations are necessary, can listen to others and respectfully request that they listen to us and can put on the table what it is that we are and are not negotiable about, then it stands to reason that everyone will at least be working from the same page, and the guess work which often causes matters to escalate into a full-on argument, will be reduced if not eliminated.

So, as you go about your week, remember that if you find it hard to communicate your needs, you are not alone. Try writing down your main points to help you prepare for difficult conversations, and remember that the person you are trying to talk to may be just as anxious as you are when it comes time to talk. Take good care of yourselves and of each other, stay safe out there and remember as always, to stay connected.

30/11/2025

And finally, we are almost into December. Black Friday has been and gone, but Cyber Monday is still a happening thing. As I love to both give and receive books therefore, I thought it a good time to reflect on my favourite books of this year, and to hear about yours. It certainly might make the shopping easier.

Now having just admitted that I like noting down good books, it'll come as no surprise to you that I keep a record of each one I read throughout the year. I read all sorts of subject matter, and then I rate them from zero to ten, although I don't think any book has yet got a zero from me. They can be anything from books about grief (both to gain an insight into the latest thinking and to make recommendations to my clients), to historical novels, or the occasional memoir. Then there are my old go-to for when I want to just disappear inside a book; which is books often about the home front during the first or second world wars. My point here though is that one person's dream book might be someone else's nightmare; but that's why I love books, it seems that there are so many choices out there that if you look around long enough, you'll find what works for you.

Only one book scored a nine from me this year, and it was American Dirt, by Jeanine Cummins. Set in Mexico as a mother and her young son flea across the country in an attempt to get to American soil, I found that I could not put it down. More than that however, it gave me a totally different perspective and a tiny insight into the plight that these fleeing migrants face on a daily basis. Although a fictional account, as is often the case with novels, it is easy to find ourselves in the minds of the main characters, imagining the ways in which we ourselves might respond to their plight. I know it has been out for a few years now, but if you haven't yet read it, I thoroughly recommend it.

In terms of a nonfiction book for this year, I do think that Geraldine Brooks memoir Memorial Days was worth a read, especially if you have ever had a partner or another family member die suddenly. Published early in 2025, she tells the story (both as it happens and as she is reacting to it almost three years later), of her husband Tony's sudden death while he is publicising his own latest work as an author. The book itself is short, and although not necessarily stunning in its insights about grief, what I think stayed with me was Geraldine's very normal reaction, to one of the most confronting and earth-shattering situations of her life. I think she shows vulnerability in her own willingness to unpack the events for her readers, but she also seems to expose her own need to do this for herself, as a part of her healing process.

So, for the readers among us, now it's over to you. What have been among your favourite books for 2025? Please feel free to share them in the comments below; I'm certainly always looking out for new inspiration.

Have a great week everyone. Take care of yourselves and of each other, stay safe out there, and as always, stay connected.

23/11/2025

One of the things that I have been reminded of over the last few days, is just how hard it can be for people who lose beloved companion animals. I know I have talked about the subject in this space before, but one of the
things that has me thinking this week, is that although our society is a lot more conversant with the grief that people experience when they lose dogs and cats nowadays, companion animals are many and varied, and we still have some way to go in recognising these losses. What if, for example, it is another animal that a person has lost, and a longer-term relationship that they are grieving?

So what do I mean by this? Well a few days ago I was chatting to a friend, and she mentioned that the much-loved horse of another mutual friend of ours had died recentln. Now I happen to know that her horse had been with her for over twenty-five years. He'd grown up as her "fourth child" she often says. He had seen her through young motherhood, (where she worked ridiculous hours but still found time to spend with him), to a place where she has retired from work, and now has 3 grandchildren of her own. He lived in a space where she could take him out on long rides and adventures, wherein it was just she and her horse, but could also relate with great humour, some of the ridiculous scrapes that he had gotten them involved in, over the years.

As I think of my friend in her time of grief, I am glad that she has a couple of communities of riders and horse-lovers, where her loss may be understood. Still, to my mind, this could be an absolute calamity for her. Sure, she may have known that it was coming (he was over 30 after all), but twenty-five years is a long time to love someone, and because so many people don't own horses, many people around her may not understand the depth of her grief. To them, he may have been seen as "just a horse", and so there will be places wherein the loss that she is experiencing, is just not acknowledged at all. Of course horses are only one example of this kind of loss; I know of someone else who grieved her cockatoo when he died. He had after all, been in her life for over 50 years.

Of course at the same time, dogs and cats are still dying before we are ready for them to do this, and for those who lose them, this is heart-breaking. I have two friends, who have lost dogs just this week for example, one of whom having had her dog for sixteen years.

So, what do we do to help these people who are often broken with sadness about their losses, but feeling unseen? I think the simplest answer of course, is that when we offer support to these people, we try to imagine how it is that we would feel, if we had lost something or someone that we loved as much as they did their animal. We might not all relate to loving companion animals (with some of us never having owned even as much as a goldfish), but most of us have the experience of loving someone. If we can then imagine how it might be if we were to lose that person through death, then we can try to offer support to our friends who have lost companion animals, knowing that if we were in their shoes, we too would need support. It's also about remembering that there isn't a hierarchy of loss, which dictates how much or how little we should grieve. Some people will love a companion animal far more than they love people in their lives for example, and this is not for us to pass judgment about; it is simply their experience. If we can step past our own preconceived ideas, and express kindness and curiosity, then we can strengthen our connection with that person, who is assured that we care, and that we might even understand some of what they are going through.

Have a great week everyone. Stay safe out there, take care of yourselves and of each other, and as always, stay connected.

16/11/2025

Last week, you may recall, I talked about the importance of social connection. One of the things that I have been reflecting on this weekend then, is the power of communities, to build and maintain these connections. The words of the old song by the Brotherhood of Man come to mind; "united we stand, divided we fall." Today I myself again appreciated the value of working with others, towards a common goal.

So, what do I mean by this? Well it will come as no surprise to you I am sure, that the idea of finding better treatments which will improve the survival rates of people with Pancreatic cancer is now something dear to my own heart. With less than 15 per cent of those diagnosed making it to five years, despite the intervention of surgery, radio and chemotherapies, it's a fairly bleak picture really. This morning then, four friends and I took part in the Unite For Hope walk, to support Pancare, an agency which provides support to people with Pancreatic and other upper-gastrointestinal cancers. This organisation provides things like a counselling service, funding for a dietician's intervention, support groups and information to people with these cancers and their families. Just as importantly in my opinion, is the fact that it also provides funding to those researchers who are trying to find new treatments.

What I can say after doing the walk is that the rain that threatened, certainly didn't put us off. There we were with a huge number of other family and friendship groups just like ours, walking together and working towards the cause, so that those diagnosed after us can have a much brighter future. Some wore stickers or had writing on their t-shirts remembering those that they had loved and lost, and the feeling for me, was at once uplifting and reassuring. To think that people were prepared to take time out of their busy lives to make a difference for us (whether it be by walking or by donating to our team), is at once humbling and encouraging. I feel that we really did Unite for Hope.

Of course another point to make here is that communities come in all different shapes and sizes, and with a range of purposes only restricted by our imaginations. Sometimes a community can be much smaller in terms of numbers, but can create change just as effectively. For one of my clients as an example, this has meant joining a support group in the last week, which we hope is going to give her ideas for creating change in her life, in a space where people are not judgmental, and have been in her position before. Even after attending one meeting, I could sense a lift in her mood. It seemed to me that she felt both welcomed and seen, two of the ingreedients I think, which give us the impetus we might need, to be open to new connections.

While I think that involving ourselves in a community, large or small, is a fantastic way of building our connections, I do also want to acknowledge that when we are in the wrong sort of community, we can feel particularly alone and isolated. Sometimes we are a part of a community not by choice, but by necessity. I certainly had no great desire to join the world-wide community of those diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, for example. I am sure also that for many of us, our workplace communities might have both people we are connected to, and those whom we might even actively dislike in the same space. This might make that community less of a great fit than the ones I have described above, and lead to things like social anxiety about the idea of attending things together, like Christmas gatherings. The bottom line however, is that we do have choice over some of the communities that we participate in, and that there are so many communities out there to choose from. There are some who gather as dog-walkers, people who do Park Runs, while others attend choirs and book groups. A client recently told me about a knitting group which she has joined, where people sit in a pub or local cafe, and knit.

So, if you are feeling isolated as Christmas comes again, consider looking around for a community of people interested in some of the same things as you are, and remind yourself that you might have to try several, before you find one which you can relate to. Have a great week everyone! Take care of yourselves and of each other. Stay safe out there, and as always, stay connected.

09/11/2025

One of the things that I have been reflecting on in the last few days, is just how good connection is for us. Sometimes it can be challenging, I know. Sometimes, because we usually find it very anxiety-provoking, we tell ourselves that we don't need it. If however, we are able to suspend our judgment for long enough to put the anxiety and the negative self-talk to the side, then I believe that there is nothing like social connection for improving our moods.

Last weekend being an unofficial holiday weekend here in Victoria for example, was a busy one for me. I had several opportunities to connect with people. I caught up with some old friends for lunch at one point, and was delighted to be in their company. Another night I gathered with family to celebrate an important birthday, and I even fitted in a movie with two other friends on Sunday night. On Melbourne Cup Day itself, I had ten around my table to watch the Cup, to eat and drink and be merry.

Well because of the symptoms that I experience as a part of my cancer, it is rare now that I allow my calendar to become so full. Further, because that it was so full, I certainly found it challenging at times. Whereas I am someone who loves opening my home to new people, starting off new friendships and so on, by Tuesday it is fair to say that I was exhausted. As much as I didn't like doing it, I accepted people's offers to bring in a lot of the food. Perceiving my tiredness, friends cleaned my kitchen, put out desserts, got drinks and so on. What I then needed to accept was that nothing had changed. It was still a fun day at my house, and we were focussed on enjoying our day, not on what I could or couldn't do.

My point here then, is that although we may feel that what we perceive as our social inabilities or downfalls hold us back in social situations, often this is because of the critic inside our own minds, which is telling us that we are not enough! Often these things which we feel and tell ourselves are glaringly obvious to everyone, are not even noticed by those we are connecting with. While we then become very anxious or downright miserable in these social situations, we need to stop that chatter inside our heads, and talk gently to ourselves. If we feel close to particular people at the gathering we are attending, we might even find that talking about our feelings to those people will allow them to keep us in mind when the room is full of people, and when we are feeling like the odd person out. My point though, as we approach the silly season, is that opting out of these gatherings, can mean that we close off some great possibilities for reconnecting with old friends and making new ones.

My final point tonight, is that connection doesn't always take the shape of a large gathering. Sometimes it can be a call or a text, which changes everything, and motivates us. On Tuesday morning for example, as I stood in my kitchen with a potato peeler contemplating a massive pile of potatoes and feeling despair at my exhaustion, I noticed a text come in from an old friend. She had noted that I had not done one of these posts last Sunday night, and wanted to check in with me. Was I okay? As I responded and we established that we did indeed need to catch up, I realised that of a sudden I was okay. I'd forgotten all about the potatoes. They'd get peeled, tiredness or no, and I was buoyed up by just hearing from my friend. So, even if you haven't been in touch with that friend for ages, and wonder if you'll have anything to say to each other now, remember that the only way to find out is to make that call, or send that message.

Have a great week everyone and keep looking for those opportunities to connect. Take care of yourselves and of each other, stay safe out there, and as always, stay connected.

26/10/2025

Something which I have been reflecting on in the last couple of days, is the idea that taking small steps towards our own self-care can change things up for us. I know that I often talk about small steps here, but it seems that everywhere I go this weekend — whether it be listening to 3aw's overnight talk show, attending sessions at this year's Mental Health Summit for professionals, or even flicking through the things that come up on my Facebook feed, everywhere seems to want to share insights with me about self-care. So, I figured, it might just be a topic worth revisiting!

The idea that people seem to be trying to get across at present, is that without attending to our own self-care needs, we won't actually have the resources that we require to care for others. We need to fill up our own cup essentially, so that we can keep on giving, or we'll have no energy left to raise that coffee-pot and fill up someone else's.

So the second point here, and perhaps the one which has me most interested, is that there seems to be greater recognition that for many of us, by necessity this happens in smaller acts, rather than in what feels to be large steps which take a lot of programming, time and effort. Listening to a psychologist speaking on that overnight program for example, she was acknowledging that as a busy Mum, she can't just plan an hour in a spa-bath once a week, and may not find time to start that mosaics project that she keeps looking at, because it's just too time-consuming to even start. Yes, it might be a fine point that we need the time out, but depending on circumstances it may not be an option for us which is easy to organise.

So, then we need to look at — in a situation like this, what are her options? Can she play some music in the bath-room while she fits in a three minute shower? Can she decide as someone who loves reading, that whatever else happens in her day, she's going to read five pages in her current book? Might it be that — feeling like she has no great desire to exercise, she sets an alarm on her phone for every hour when she is at her desk working from home, and when it goes off, she stands up and does ten squats on the spot? Can she set the iPad up so that her Mum can watch the children for just five minutes, while she takes the time to reset her breathing and shows herself some compassion for her exhaustion? For this woman, some of those options, although very small tweaks to her life, have made a real difference. I know that for me, just stopping beside my digital piano for a minute and picking out a clumsy tune (which is currently the best I can do), really lifts my spirits.

Importantly, some of these things might feel more achievable, than sitting down every day to write a list of ten things that we are grateful for. And the bottom line? If it works for you, it's worth doing! With AI one of the hottest topics on Facebook adds currently, this morning I downloaded two journal apps. One was called Pillowtalk and it allows you to chat openly with the AI bot, with it giving sometimes insightful questions about the subjects you choose. The idea here is that by clearing our minds at night, we will sleep better. Another was called Rosebud, and is very much into helping us to set daily intentions, to set short-term and long-term goals and so on. While both of these are paid apps, I also love the app Untold, which I have mentioned here before, and which does similar things but is, I am almost sure, free. My point here though, is that there are so many different ways for us to release our pent-up emotions, and work out our next steps; and while the old notebook and pen still works for me, every effort is being made it would seem, to create new things for us to try.

So, as you go about your week, if you are feeling a bit exhausted as we move towards the year's end, think about the small steps that you can make, that will help to recharge your batteries. Remember always that you are worth the effort, and that making even one small change can have an impact on how we are feeling. Have a good week everyone! Take care of yourselves and of each other, stay safe out there, and as always, stay connected!

19/10/2025

So, picture this! I was sitting with a client recently, and she was telling me about a situation wherein her confidence had been shaken in the workplace. Things are changing there. She is struggling to deal with these changes, is feeling like her considerable experience in this work-setting is being overlooked; like others are taking credit for work that she has done. When she tries to talk about this, she is quickly silenced by management. As she told me the story, I could all but feel her pain. I've been in too many workplaces myself, and like this person, am not easily silenced when managers are more about themselves than they ever were about outcomes for the client group whose interests they are supposed to be promoting.

Now what makes matters worse in these situations is that when my client receives feedback about issues which she has raised, she didn't receive any encouragement, only criticism. I found myself gritting my teeth as I listened, thinking, really? When does that ever work?

I'm sure most of us can relate to the situation. Whether in the workplace or in our family or friendship groups, we have all at some stage been the one on the receiving end of criticism. It might be that with that one family member, we feel like we can never get it right. It might be that when we think about criticism, we can immediately hear someone in our memories telling us that we are just "too outspoken", "too quiet", "too cynical" or a whole host of other "too's". The bottom line is that when we hear that sort of feedback, even when it is well-meant, it almost always hurts, and often shakes our confidence. How does the old explanation go? Positive feedback slides off us like oil. Negative words or feedback on the other hand, sticks in our mind like adhesive.

So, I have three brief points to make on this subject. The first, is that at all times, what we are listening too, is only an opinion. Now, if everyone in your life starts telling you something similar, I don't mean that it's not time to sit up and take notice. What I do mean though, is that it is information that you can evaluate. You might need to accept some of it, it's true; you might learn from what is being said and decide to make some changes. On the other hand, however, you might not. It's an opinion, and you can disagree with it.

My 2nd point is that this story reminds me that when you are giving someone criticism, it's all about the delivery. Personally I find that it works better to temper something that you know might be hurtful to hear, with some genuine positives. That friend might really have annoyed you for example. You might really want to get something said, but as you prepare to say it, remind yourself of what you like about the person. Remember also, that there will be things that they might not like about you, too, and that at times you too might have been hurtful, sometimes without meaning to be. In my experience, when all we hear is negative? We stop listening and start reaching for our defenses.

And finally, research now recognizes the benefit we can get from remembering times when people have expressed real gratitude for things that we have done. Well, I think we can also benefit from reminding ourselves of the positive feedback that we receive in our travels. There are lots of ways to set this up. It might be that you have a word document on your desktop, and you jot down things that people say to you, cut and paste from emails or texts, etc. You could alternatively, make a scrapbook and paste in nice wording from cards that you have received, ... you could do it with an album of screenshots on your phone. My point is that this positive feedback is something you'll then have at hand to look at, whenever you feel the need. It is also an opinion, and is no less valuable than anything negative you hear. So, when you start to replay those negatives in your mind, you can remind yourself that there will always be naysayers, and take out your positive feedback to interrupt that loop of negative thinking.

Have a great week everyone. Remember how good it feels to get some positive feedback and so ... where you can, throw some in for someone you love this week. It might just make their day. Take care out there, stay safe and as always, stay connected.

12/10/2025

Well here we are at the end of another Sunday, and one of the things that I have noticed over the last two spring weekends, is just how good we can feel when we take some time out. If we are able to spend that time in our happy place, then all the better. What I have also reminded myself of however, is that our happy place might also be a new place that we have only just discovered, with new people to meet and new experiences to have.

So, what do I mean by this? Well take last weekend, as an example. It was finally warm enough for me to enter my swimming-pool for the first time this season. For myself and one particular friend, although we often enjoy it with other people, this pool has become a place that we go to to revive our spirits. Just by entering its salt water, we both feel the weight of busy or hard days sliding off our shoulders. Last weekend, just being able to sit outside in the sun and chat, then to take a swim, and to repeat the whole sequence several times over, gave us that feeling of relaxation. We both came away feeling ready to face life's challenges again, and it was a moment easily come by. It was just a quiet Saturday afternoon-evening at my house.

Today however, I had a different kind of revitalising experience that I want to share with you. This time I went with a group of friends to visit one friend's family's farm near Shepparton for the first time. We did all sorts of things, from enjoying delicious food in the sunny morning, to walking through the paddocks to the banks of the river which runs through their property, to getting up close and personal with cows and their calves, and enjoying the quality of silence that only these settings in the middle of more than 100 acres can deliver. It was more than these things however; it was going for my first ride on a quad bike, it was looking at some wooden bowls that a cousin had made with his own hands and skill, the taste of jelly-slice made by a pro. Mimportantly though, it was also the quality of the people I met there. My friend's siblings are all incredible people in their own right for example, but her Mother, at almost 95, is quite something else. Happily she fills her day by still crocheting things like throw-rugs for any of us who need them, but while her input in a large group is often that of an observer and listener rather than a talker, when she speaks, her conversation is so interesting. I came away from my day feeling relaxed, and happy, delighted to have been included in a gathering of such a family, with spirits renewed.

Having just experienced both of these examples on consecutive weekends, I head into another week urging you to look for ways of getting to your happy place. Most of us have more than one, and also have different activities which relax us, or make us feel more content in ourselves. While I recommend taking a day out as I recently did for both of these examples if you can, I also appreciate that we don't always have that option open to us. It might be that we can only find an hour to spare if we are working full time for example, or are parenting small children. If we can make use of that odd hour here or there however and do something which resets and relaxes us, it can have a major impact on our moods, and our general feeling of resilience.

Have a great week everyone and remember to look for those opportunities where you can. Take care of yourselves and of each other, stay safe out there and as always, stay connected.

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