16/03/2026
I’ve spent the better part of 9 years in eating detoxification, fasting, eating raw, liver cleansing, heavy metal cleansing, no fat, low fat, - constant refinement, constant looking for cleansing & monitoring my health.
When I was 24 I had been on the pill for 9 years.
I was loopy…. constant emotional waves of high highs and low lows. I remember reading somewhere that ‘your body doesn’t know what it’s like to be a woman if you’ve been on the pill since a teenager’!
Ping - I knew I wanted to get off it. My boyfriend at the time didn’t care and I’ve never fallen pregnant since then just by using withdrawal method.
I often wonder if it’s made me infertile (so many near misses) but never a baby.
However - I don’t believe my health issues are from the pill alone, a myriad of psychological traumas from my childhood following me, creating constant displacement of belonging.
The pill just gave me a sort of control over my cycles but no understanding. I had no emotional control, complete lack of coping when anything felt off.
Food became the thing I could control, if I was cleansing I was healing, clearing, shifting, with intense deprivation & challenging my system to die off this s**t I was carrying!
Early 2024 I was gifted an incredible space to live by myself & for that two years I was able to look at all my behaviours of coping.
Projection & victimhood & shaming
Control - food, others, staying safely hidden
Dissociating / daydreaming
Urges to run/pack up and leave
Looking to be saved
Self hatred, self denial
This was honestly the most intense period of my life but I fu***ng loved every minute of it, all that cleansing meant nothing compared to what my body was releasing during this phase
I felt safe, it took months for some things to clear
- fear of psychological control (from the past) ( nightmares, days of intense vertigo/ panic attacks - I had to sit in darkness and breathe my way out of it teaching myself autonomy again)
- deep seated grief & childhood illness for about 8 weeks in my lungs (was born with pneumonia) I could feel it dying
- constantly meeting my edges of who I was and why it didn’t work.
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