Nadia Eliseyeva - Relationship Counselling

05/01/2026

01/01/2026

Fantasies.
They come to us as images and feelings, driven by both conscious and unconscious desires, shaped by stories, films, and often imaginary experiences.
Scotland used to be one of those fantasies for me. I pictured a land of brave men, long-standing traditions, breathtaking cows grazing on green hills, gorgeous architecture, unusual musical instruments, warm wool, and high-quality whisky. All of this combined into an image of a magical country. I have to admit—Hollywood movies certainly helped to enhance that fantasy.

So, when I started booking this “magical place” for New Year’s for my family and saw the prices, I was a little surprised. Paris and London suddenly seemed cheap in comparison. Still, I convinced myself: a magical place can’t be cheap, right?
And this is exactly the issue with fantasies. 🙂

When we become too attached to them, we struggle to separate fantasy from reality. We look for excuses, ignore warning signs, and keep hoping for the best. So I pushed ahead and booked our very expensive trip to Edinburgh to celebrate New Year’s Eve.

I won’t complain about the accommodation, the tours, or the famous New Year festival - this post isn’t about that. Let me just say this: the experience was very different from my fantasy. That doesn’t mean Edinburgh is a bad city. Not at all. It simply wasn’t my fantasy.

Reflecting on this on the 1st of January 2026, I started asking myself some important questions. Where did I not put enough effort into researching? Where did I fail to ask questions? At what point should I have paused, listened to the signs (there were a few), and double-checked my assumptions? What responsibility do I need to take for the outcome?

And, of course, this doesn’t apply only to holidays. We hold many fantasies - about partners, work, friendships, and life in general.

I wish myself, and everyone reading this, not to stop fantasising altogether. Fantasies make life more colourful and meaningful - as long as we remember that they are fantasies, not reality.

Be mindful. Be present. Check information. Ask questions. See facts as they are, even when they are imperfect. Because this is life - and it is better than any fantasy.

21/12/2025

One of the key findings from over 30 years of Gottman research is that criticism is harmful to relationships and often leads to defensiveness in the other partner. For this reason, the Gottman Method encourages expressing observations, feelings, and needs, rather than blame. It also suggests communicating with “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

This sounds simple, and even logical, but it is incredibly hard to implement in the middle of conflict.
What helps me is remembering one simple truth:
“Behind every complaint, there is a longing.”
This is essential to remember for both the person expressing the complaint and the one receiving it.
For the person complaining, it can be helpful to pause and ask: What is my need? What am I really longing for?Sometimes this is something you can give yourself; other times, it is something that needs to be gently verbalised.

For the receiver, viewing the complaint through the lens of longing can make it easier to understand their partner’s underlying needs, take the message less personally, and hopefully avoid the vicious cycle of criticism and defensiveness.

16/12/2025

Normally, at the end of the year, I like to take time to reflect on the past year and plan for the one ahead. At the moment, two things stand out as the most essential in my life. As I’ve been thinking about these two areas, I’ve realised how much they have in common.

They are absolutely pivotal to the quality of our lives, yet they are often taken for granted: health and relationships.

When we think about it, we all understand that to earn money we need to work; to maintain a home, we need to clean it and look after the garden. To grow on social media, we need to create content regularly (not always my strength 😊). We also know that the sooner we start, the better the outcome.

Just as regular exercise and a healthy diet are essential for maintaining good health, it is equally important to invest in our relationships while we still have them.

15/10/2025

A 2022 Canadian study found that both men and women adjust their cooking and foodwork based on their partner’s work and caregiving demands. 🍳

While gender differences still exist, shared responsibility and flexibility in daily tasks like cooking can strengthen relationships and reduce stress. 💛

Small shifts in how we share our time can lead to greater balance, empathy, and teamwork at home.

A little flexibility can go a long way in love. 💓

11/10/2025

I often hear people say:
"Couple therapy doesn’t work — my friends tried it and ended up breaking up."

Let’s clarify something important.
The purpose of couple therapy is not to keep people together at all costs.
And it’s certainly not about changing your partner.

The real goal is to deepen your understanding of the relationship — to bring awareness to what’s happening between you, how you both contribute to certain patterns, and what those patterns might be teaching you.

Sometimes, that deeper understanding leads to healing, reconnection, and growth.
Other times, it brings clarity that the healthiest path is to part ways — and that, too, can be a meaningful and compassionate outcome.

Couple therapy is about truth, awareness, and choice — not forcing a happy ending, but helping you find an authentic one. 💛

18/09/2025

Couple and family therapy is one of the most complex forms of psychotherapy. Unlike individual therapy, which often focuses on intrapsychic work (looking inward), couple therapy involves both intrapsychic and interpsychic dynamics between partners.

As in individual work, many factors shape our experiences - childhood history, developmental challenges, cultural influences, previous relationships, external stressors, and even physical health. In couples therapy, these factors are effectively multiplied by two, creating an ever-shifting, dynamic process.

During the intake session, most couples show a strong commitment to the therapeutic process. However, as therapy progresses, unconscious defence mechanisms may emerge. For example, a partner who initially sought therapy to “fix” their spouse may realise that they, too, play a significant role in the relationship difficulties. Accepting responsibility and engaging in self-reflection can feel daunting. At times, one partner may resist continuing therapy because change feels too threatening. In other cases, couples may, at an unconscious level, find a certain familiarity - even comfort - in dysfunctional patterns, making it challenging to break free from these cycles.

Relationship therapists, like all therapists, require continuous professional development to meet these complexities. When working with couples, I draw on a range of approaches. While my foundation is often Bowen’s systemic theory, Gottman’s research, and Emotion-Focused Therapy, I also incorporate insights from Freud, Jung, Adler, Rogers, IFS, and many others. Every couple is unique, and therapy must adapt to their particular dynamics.

15/09/2025

When we feel criticised or attacked, it’s natural to protect ourselves. But defensiveness can block connection and fuel conflict.

Examples of Defensive Behaviour:

🚩Counterattacking: “Well, you never do it either!

🚩Excuse-making: “I was late because you didn’t remind me.”

🚩Sarcasm or humour: dismissing the concern instead of addressing it.

🚩Denying or minimising the problem

🚩Playing the victim: “You’re always blaming me!”

Taking responsibility, even for small parts of the conflict, lowers tension and opens the door to repair.

Accountability shows your partner you value the relationship more than being “right.”

It helps build trust, safety, and deeper connection.

Next time you catch yourself being defensive, pause and ask: “What part of this can I own?” That’s where growth begins.

14/06/2025

As a family therapist, I often sit with families in pain, couples in conflict, and individuals seeking change. Early in therapy, the questions are usually practical: How can I communicate better? How can I change my partner? How can I stop being this way? These are honest and useful questions. Communication tools and conscious strategies have their place. But for me, they are only surface ripples of a deeper current.

Something more profound calls beneath the words—something that longs not just for solutions but for understanding. I often guide people beneath the surface, into the unconscious. Here, we leave behind logic and enter what Carl Jung called the Collective Unconscious.

Jung likened the unconscious to water—limitless, fluid, and reflective. Water doesn’t offer direct answers. It mirrors. It reveals.

This is where the real journey begins. Because the deeper we go—past blame, past the hope of changing others—something shifts. Slowly, clients begin to see not the person they hoped to change but the person they truly need to confront: themselves.

Not with blame, but with awakening. They see the child within longing to be heard, the protector who learned survival through silence or control, the lover afraid of vulnerability. In the mirrored depths, they encounter not solutions but insight.

Therapy becomes less about fixing others and more about unfolding the self. Not a toolkit, but a pilgrimage inward. In the water, they see both pain and potential—intertwined.

And in those quiet moments of recognition, something profound happens. They stop asking how can I change someone else? and begin asking how can I understand myself more deeply? That shift—subtle and sacred—is where healing begins.

09/06/2025

This story came to mind during last week that I spent with my family, a time rich with moments that brought hidden layers of myself closer to the surface.

Dr. Jung once shared the story of a man who sought treatment for a physical ailment. When Jung asked about his dreams, the man insisted he never dreamed—but added that his six-year-old son had vivid, almost cinematic dreams. Intrigued, Jung encouraged the man to record and bring in his son's dreams.

Week after week, the man returned with his son's fantastical dreamscapes. Then, quite suddenly, the son stopped dreaming—and the man began to dream instead.

Jung explained that the father, unconsciously disconnected from a vital part of his inner life, had inadvertently passed that burden onto his child. The boy had been carrying his father’s unlived emotional life—until the father was finally ready to reclaim it.

Reflecting on this while spending time with my family, I felt the quiet truth of it stir in me. How often do we, out of habit or fear, leave parts of ourselves unexplored—only for our children or loved ones to express what we refuse to acknowledge?

If we want to leave our children something of true value, we must give them not our unresolved pasts or silent pain, but a clean unconscious—one we have dared to face, feel, and begin to understand. Our healing is not a solitary act; it becomes a legacy.

09/06/2025

This year has been truly special for me! Celebrating my birthday surrounded by my gorgeous family in beautiful Umbria was the most precious gift I could ask for. Your sweet greetings and loving wishes—from near and far—made - this unforgettable time even more magical. I feel so grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💓 ☺️ 💗

20/03/2025

You may have heard about the concept of "Love Languages." Dr. Gary Chapman introduced this idea, suggesting that understanding your own and your partner’s preferred love language—whether words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, or physical affection—can enhance communication and strengthen relationships.

While this is a valuable perspective, I’d like to invite you to consider another crucial aspect of relationships: your conflict language. Just as love languages help us connect, understanding how we navigate conflict can be equally, if not more, important for a healthy and lasting relationship.

The Three Key Dimensions of Conflict Language
Our conflict language consists of three primary dimensions: Sensitivity, Reactivity, and Time Needed to Return to Equilibrium. Becoming aware of these aspects can help reduce misunderstandings and foster more effective conflict resolution.

1. Sensitivity
Each of us has different levels of sensitivity and unique emotional triggers. Some may feel overwhelmed by a raised voice, while others might be more affected by emotional withdrawal or lack of attention. Recognizing what triggers you—and your partner—can help prevent unnecessary escalations and improve self-regulation.
To cultivate awareness, consider these questions:
• What types of words, tones, or behaviors tend to trigger an emotional reaction in me?
• How does my partner’s sensitivity differ from mine?
• Can I communicate my triggers calmly to my partner so they understand me better?

2. Reactivity
Reactivity refers to how we respond when we feel triggered. Do you become defensive, shut down, lash out, or try to smooth things over too quickly? Some individuals might react intensely in the moment, while others suppress their emotions, only to have them resurface later.
Understanding your own reactivity patterns—and those of your partner—can create opportunities for more intentional and thoughtful responses rather than knee-jerk reactions. Reflecting on your typical reactions and discussing them with your partner can help both of you navigate conflicts more constructively.

3. Time needed to Return to Equilibrium
Not everyone processes conflict at the same pace. Some people need time alone to calm down, while others prefer to resolve issues immediately. Differences in processing time can lead to frustration if not acknowledged.

For instance, if one partner withdraws and needs time to think, while the other needs immediate reassurance, conflicts can escalate simply because each person has different needs during moments of tension. Recognizing and respecting each other's timelines for emotional regulation can reduce stress and create a more supportive dynamic.

Applying Conflict Language Awareness to Your Relationship
Understanding your conflict language is not about avoiding disagreements but about handling them in ways that strengthen rather than harm the relationship. Here are some steps to integrate this awareness:
• Have an open conversation with your partner about your sensitivities, reactivity patterns, and how you both recover from conflict.
• Practice self-awareness and emotional regulation by noticing your own triggers and reactions before responding.
• Respect each other’s processing time and find a compromise on when and how to revisit difficult conversations.
• Use empathy to recognize that your partner’s conflict style may differ from yours, but it is just as valid.

Just as understanding your love language can enhance intimacy, learning your conflict language can help create a foundation for healthier, more resilient relationships. The goal is not to avoid conflict but to navigate it in a way that fosters deeper understanding and emotional connection.









-awareness