Ingrid de Lacy Therapy

02/06/2025

WHAT IS A GOOD MAN THESE DAYS?

I love men. I believe they are essentially good. The problem is they often receive mixed messages of what it means to be 'a good man'.

Stoic and silent, but warm and friend. Kind and caring, but not weak. Clear and decisive, but not controlling. Expressive, but not too much. Never crying, but listening to everyone else’s emotions and attuning to them perfectly, while never allowed to be vulnerable themselves…and on it goes.

It’s confusing, not to mention, unrealistic, or even downright impossible.

I see a lot of men in my practice, either in individual therapy or couples therapy.

And they all love their women (or their men), and want to be good partners.

But if they haven't been shown how, it can be tough. They don't want to be dominating, or show anger, but also don't want to be emasculated. They want to be able to connect emotionally, but when showing emotion has been unsafe their whole life, they can't just switch it on.

They're supposed to be powerful and confident, but what if they spent their childhood or adolescence teased, criticised or regularly beat-up and never feeling good enough, and scared to express themselves?

It's a tough gig these days to be a guy.

Which is why I love working with them, to help them tap into their emotions and creativity, if that's the block. Or their power strength and self confidence if that's what's needed.

It's a process. It requires safety, care and being deeply seen, no matter what their past or history. No matter what mistakes they may have made and possibly carry deep shame about.

Yes, there are collective wounds from the patriarchy for women. BUT the patriarchy has hurt men too.

I believe the if we see them for who they are now. In all their divinity. And their humanness, and stop expecting the impossible, then more and more men will show up as the best version of themselves, being great partners, great fathers, great contributors to society.

Full of love and strength; vulnerability and authenticity; inner-power and humility.

- Written by a human (me!)

14/04/2025

I really do love what I do. Here are some of the comments my clients have made in the past week or two:

"Oh my god, my body is tingling! I feel so alive! I don't think I've ever felt like this before!"

"Wow, had no idea I was holding so much! I feel 10 kgs lighter!"

"That (inner-child work) feels really scary. But I feel so safe with you. In fact, I'm not sure I'd trust anyone else to do this work with."

"Wow, I didn't realise that ('negative') part could have wisdom - Instead of apathy, I'm feeling really inspired now."

06/01/2025

Make 2025 the year you changed things up. Finally did what you've been putting off. Didn't let the fear hold you back. Stepped into the brightest boldest version of you!

The fastest way to do that, I believe, is to integrate your shadows. And the fastest way to do THAT is to be witnessed by others in a safe group container, being awkward, or silly, or shy or too much ... or whatever it is that feels uncomfortable for you. We will do this through fun, games and deep connection.

Check out the ticket link below for more info, or DM if you want to know more 🌒✨🖤

Send a message to learn more

22/11/2024

On PMDD.

What the hell is PMDD?

PMDD is Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder and affects around 5-10% of menstruating women! That's a lot, considering most people have never even heard of it. Essentially, PMDD is like a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It’s a severe and chronic health condition that needs compassion and understanding.

Almost half (49%) of women suffering from PMDD attempt su***de. Around 3 quarters have regular and persistent suicidal thoughts during the 5-10 days per month they experience the symptoms. Even though they may feel quite well the rest of the month, this is hugely debilitating and makes it hard to carry on with normal life. Sufferers have trouble functioning at home, at work, and in relationships during this time.

So how do you know if you have PMDD?

Symptoms of PMDD start during the week before menstruation and end within a few days after your period starts.

The following are common symptoms of PMDD:

• Depressed mood, sadness, hopelessness, or feelings of worthlessness
• Increased anxiety, tension, or the feeling of being on edge all the time
• Self-critical thoughts, increased sensitivity to rejection
• Frequent or sudden tearfulness
• Increased irritability, anger, or both
• Conflict with family, co-workers, or friends
• Decreased interest in normal activities
• Concentration problems
• Fatigue, lethargy, or lack of energy
• Changes in appetite, such as binge eating, overeating, or craving certain foods
• Changes in sleep pattern, such as excessive sleeping or difficulty sleeping
• Feelings of being overwhelmed or out of control

If this sounds familiar – whether for yourself or someone you’re close to - know that you are not alone (It can be very hard for partners and family members of sufferers to know how to support - know that any attacks or outbursts are not personal and try and be as compassionate as you can).

Some women suffer this their whole lives, while others develop the symptoms later in their menstrual years. And then of course it can be difficult to discern whether it’s perimenopause as some symptoms are the same. The suicidal ideation however, seems to be distinctive factor of PMDD, and as many su***de attempts are successful, it's important you reach out letting people know when it gets bad.

While seeing a physician is important, sadly there are few great medical options. Getting some good counselling and other nurturing support and a solid self-care regime during this time can be hugely beneficial.

There still needs to be a lot more research done, but considerable ‘anecdotal’ evidence suggests there may be a link to developmental trauma. Counselling, psychotherapy and other healing modalities can be of considerable benefit if this is the case.

Whatever you choose, don’t suffer alone.
If you need urgent help, call a 24 hour support line.
Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14 - Crisis Support. Su***de Prevention.
Beyond Blue: 24/7 Support for Anxiety, Depression and ... 1300 22 4636

06/11/2024

"There's no greater pain than bearing an untold story inside of you" - Maya Angelou

03/11/2024

On Shadow work

While I love it when my clients walk out the door feeling great, I know that often the juiciest and most transformational work happens when we dive into the dark places. The places no-one wants to look at.

Saying out loud the pieces that you don't want to believe about yourself, never mind share with anyone else.

I am a liar.

I am a manipulator.

I am disgusting.

I am jealous.

I am needy.

I am superior.

I am mean.

I don't feel worthy of love.

In fact this last one is often the reason we do the others. We are afraid if people see these ugly parts, we won't be worthy of love.

And sure, we may not be those things most of the time. But when we pretend we are never those things, and hide them in the shadows, we perpetuate our belief of not being worthy of love and belonging.

And then we see this show up in our life.

We feel unloved. We feel like we don't belong.

If instead, when we own these shadows, acknowledge and accept they are a part of us, they lose their power over us.

We become deeply in love with all parts of ourselves - we know we are worthy of love and belonging.

And then this is what shows up in our life. Others fall in love with us too.

If you're ready to own your shadows and fall deeply in love with yourself, come and join us for Shadow Play, a real and raw, fun and playful series of in-person workshops. Click on the link below for details:

https://events.humanitix.com/shadow-play-ygn7wc8a

Photo by Finlayson
Dress by Maya Krasna

03/11/2024

On Trust

How deeply do you trust yourself?

We often think about how much we trust other people, rather than how much we trust ourselves, but in fact the two are inextricably linked.
It just hurts less to blame other people.

As babies we are innocent beings with innate trust in ourselves and our surroundings. When we repeatedly get told we're wrong we stop trusting that innate knowing we are born with.

Instead we look to others to tell us what is right and wrong. We seek love and validation from outside ourselves, and say others are untrustworthy when in fact, we hand over our power, and then are not treated how we want to be.

And perhaps that person isn't worthy of trust - but really the responsibility lies within us. Why did we hand over our power in the first place? Why did we stop trusting ourselves?
..well, probably in the hope of love and connection (and this is a survival strategy for children, so nothing to be ashamed of).

But it will never be a deeply-rooted, genuine connection if it requires abandoning our inner truth. Instead, it will likely breed dependence, or resentment, or both. Not because of the actions of the other, but because we have abandoned ourselves.

In fact, our greatest fear is our own self-abandonment.

So how do we come back to trusting ourselves:

• To say no, despite the possibility of disappointing someone?
• To be discerning when choosing how (and with whom) to spend our time - and let go of the overwhelm that may be familiar?
• To keep loving ourselves even when we do or say something another may not want to hear?
• To hold ourselves through the fear of stepping into the unknown?
• To not run and hide when life gets hard?

Firstly, we need to be aware of when we are self-abandoning or handing over our power. A good indicator of this is when we repeatedly blame someone in our life for the same kind of wrong-doing.

Secondly, we need to take full responsibility for this choice to hand over our power. Even though it may feel like we ‘have no choice’, this is almost never the case. Even just changing your narrative around your choices can call back some of your power. For example:

“I am choosing to go this birthday party even though I’m tired” or

“I am choosing to stay in this job and to follow my manager’s directive, even though I might have a different opinion”, or even

“I am choosing to undertake this medical treatment even though I am scared as hell”.

And certainly, taking full responsibility is more than just changing our narrative, but it can help highlight where we are not owning our power.

Next, we must fully accept our choice to not choose our deepest desire. For example:
“I acknowledge that I am abandoning my inner truth by continuing in this relationship/ work/ friendship dynamic.”

And I don’t mean just saying the words, but rather deeply owning it, and accepting that that is what you are choosing to do.

Being witnessed in this makes it even more powerful, and things begin to shift.

And when we really truly own these pieces, we start to take back our power and can genuinely trust ourselves again.

Only when we deeply trust ourselves can we genuinely lean into the delicious surrender of trusting someone else.

Where would you benefit from calling back your power?

28/10/2024

On Being Met

I often have clients tell me that they've seen other therapists before, but when they told the therapist about 'x' (often dark trauma) the therapist "freaked out" and this increased their shame and feelings of 'brokenness'.

Or others say: "yeah they were ok at first, but after a while it felt like it wasn't really going anywhere, like they didn't really get me."

I'm not exactly sure what I do differently, and yet I hear time and again:

"I feel like I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me." or

"I never know where our sessions are going to end up, but it's always deep and it's always what I need."

I love holding people in those dark places where the truth feels unspeakable. Because this simple act can be transformative.

I think this is why I love working with sexuality - because so often this topic feels taboo. Excruciatingly hard to speak and open up about - even for people who might have no trouble opening up about other things.

I too know what it feels like to be unmet. To feel too much. Like no-one, even my therapist doesn't get me, or doesn't want to hold the really big stuff.

And when you do find that place; that person - and you can really go there and bare your soul.

Ah the sweet relief.

You can lay down your sword. Let go of the pain in your chest. The heaviness in your belly.

And leave feeling lighter and more free.

If you struggle to feel met, and want the sweet relief of freedom, get in touch for a session.