31/01/2024
On growth mindset and school challenges…
This week was the week for the big talk to prepare my Aspie 5-year-old for what a growth mindset will look like for him during his time at school (though it’s never too late for this talk). I have been telling him every day… “I hope you’ve been OK with your mistakes today. You’ll make lots of them you know. And that’s a good thing.”
The underlying issues for him and so many Aspies are perfectionist mindset and performance anxiety.
I asked him what feels hard for him so far at school. The answer was “everything!” But when we broke it down, actually some things were harder than others. Some things were easier than others. Some things have gotten easier already this week than they were last week.
We talked about the three stages that he will encounter in every moment of his learning:
1. Challenge
2. Growth
3. I can do it! (or mastery)
Challenge
School is all about setting up challenges for students: something different, novel, difficult. Challenge sounds like: “I don’t know if I can do this, this is hard, I’ve never seen this before, this is complicated, etc.” That’s how you know you’ve found a challenge.
Growth
My 5-year-old asked “what is growth“? Great question! Growth sounds like: “ahh, OK, I see, I’m getting this, I think this is making more sense, maybe I can do this”.
I can do it
Then “I can do it” just sounds like that… “I get it! I can do it! This makes sense now!”
Until the next challenge.
Without challenge, you can’t grow. If you don’t grow, you never feel like you can do anything more. If you don’t feel like you can do more, you don’t get anywhere in your life. You just stay stuck where you are and you don’t move forward.
So don’t forget, you have to have the challenge first. Then growth. Then “I can do it!” Over and over again.
We can help our Aspie children by ensuring that they understand a challenge for what it is. It is a learning or growth opportunity. And it may take minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years to master. It depends on the challenge, and it depends on the person. Everyone is different. That’s how we are made. It is very important to spell these things out for Aspie kids so that they don’t take a challenge as a sign of personal defeat, or a sign of them not being good enough, or a sign that they are not supposed to be at school where others can see where they fall short. They are not supposed to be able to do a challenge immediately. That would not be a challenge.
And… how do you know what is “just a challenge” vs what requires an adjustment due to disability? Listen out for unnecessary or insurmountable obstacles specific to your child’s disability, that could prevent or delay their growth. These will usually be related to social or emotional overload, management of sensory inputs, or executive functioning delays that require scaffolding. For example, my 5-year-old has had a lot of wet play days last week and has realized that everyone being in the undercover area together for rainy days is unbearable. Because of the “noise“ and “movement “. Having him sit in an alternative space for wet lunches, to allow for reduced sensory overload, so that he can use more of his energy in the classroom, would be a simple adjustment. This would allow him to then put his energy where it needs to go. His energy is needed to quiet down the perfectionist stories popping up in his head throughout his day and to manage social anxieties as he analyzes everything he and others are doing to ensure he’s fitting in. That is already a full-time load in his day. Not to mention learning the curriculum.
Happy first weeks back everyone. It’s a big job laying a foundation for growth mindset, and maintaining it, but it will pay off in the long run. Phew 😅
