02/08/2023
Repost of Whitney Fleming Writes. Absolutely worth a read. ❤️
I've been listening to Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart on my morning walks, and there was a line that stopped me in my tracks. "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen."
She also said, "Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment."
And oof, this one was like a sock in the gut.
So many of my relationship issues in my past stem from expectations I had for others that I did not make clear.
Expectations for what my family would do around the house.
Expectations for the way something should be celebrated.
Expectations for my husband to know what I needed.
And this was amplified during the beginning of the teen years, when my kids didn't meet my expectations, when we didn't have the relationship I expected, when their behavior wasn't the way I wanted.
Looking back, I believe I felt disappointment because I thought their unexpected behaviors meant I wasn't parenting well. I think I worried that the behavior would get worse or spiral out of control. I became disappointed in myself for feeling the disappointment.
The turning point for me to control this sort of icky feeling I was carrying around (and Brene talks about this too) was understanding that there is a difference between standards and expectations, and knowing the difference between the two can help you manage your emotions.
So, when I ran into a problem with one of my teen's not telling the complete truth about events, I recognized that when it came to certain things--safety rules, knowing where she was, contributing around the house--those were important to me. My expectation was she would comply with these things, and I set some boundaries and consequences to manage those behaviors. I tried to communicate these clearly and unemotionally.
But then I had to deal with my personal expectations, maybe even hopes for the way I wanted things to be, such as wanting her to tell me certain aspects about her life or always keeping her room clean or her attitude about some things, and well, those things were on me to control.
Instead of feeling disappointed, I tried to recognize the feeling and not engage (picking and choosing your battles.)
Instead of needling her on the behavior, I tried to back off and stay available (you don't need to react to every emotion your teen throws out at you.)
Instead of confronting her at every opportunity, I walked away (shut the bedroom door.)
Instead of focusing on achievement, I celebrated the journey (maybe they decided to quit something, or their grades weren't up to s***f, but they survived a tough semester.)
I started giving her guidance on certain issues but allowed her to make decisions to end power struggles. I gave her more freedom in some areas. I let her fail a few times even though I could have solved it for her.
And I noticed by understanding the difference between standards and expectations, my disappointment waned, and my attitude with her improved.
Sometimes our teens let us down. They make a bad choice or do a bad thing or fall short on their potential. It's all part of growing up.
Expectations can lead to disappointment, which can wreak havoc on relationships. When I shifted my expectations to include that my teen and I are both learning and growing through this time, it took a lot of pressure off the both of us.
My job is to help them be the best version of themselves, but the path they take to get there has to be their own.
My worth as a parent cannot be defined by their successes or their mistakes.
And when they make that mistake--which they all do--I can't let my disappointment define them. I want them to know that I always believe in their goodness and that every misstep is a learning opportunity for us both.
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. When you let them go, watch your relationship change for the better.
I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm saying they're worth it.
xoxo,
Whitney Fleming Writes
