27/09/2025
I WAS SHAKING AS I LOGGED INTO HIS EMAIL ACCOUNTā¦
My first properly serious relationship was a biggie that affected me for a very long time afterwards.
We got together when I was 17; weād worked together at a gym for a few years by then.
I was pretty young and naive and totally in love. š
Iād hear my mates bang on about how untrustworthy guys were, and Iād be all ānot my man, I totally trust him, heās a terrible liar so Iād know if he was lying tooā!
Ummmā¦ whatever babes. š„¹
Fast forward four years, and I found myself sat in front of my computer, shaking, which I had been for the last hour.
Plucking up the courage to do what I knew I had to do to get the answers I needed.
But logging into his emails went against all my morals - snooping is not my usual style. š§
Weād both always known the passwords to each others emails but this was the first time Iād ever logged into his.
Why was I doing this?
Well, after years of gaslighting, sneaking around and cheating on me (later on, his mate told me heād cheated all the way through), I needed to confirm what my gut feeling had been telling me for ages.
Iād given him plenty of opportunities to come clean with me - asked straight out questions, which he would always turn back around on me, so Iād feel like I was just being paranoid and there was nothing in it. š
By the way - the whole jealous partner accusing their partner of cheating is not my style - Iām a very trusting person until that trust is broken.
Eventually, I really did feel like I was going cray-cray. š¦
If I saw a woman who looked like her (the person he claimed to be āworkingā for), Iād do a double-take to see if was her.
If I saw a car that looked like his, Iād check out the number plate. š
I lost sleep and really disliked the person I was becoming.
So, after years of this, I decided to do what Iād never normally do so I could try and find some answers.
And cor blimey guv, did I find some answers! š«£
Lewd emails to the sister of the woman he was āworkingā with about how said woman was getting her b***s done and how he couldnāt wait to be the first to cop a feel.
By the way, this woman was 54 at the time, and he was 27. She was married, and her kids are older than him.
Once I was in his emails I made a bloody good dent in reading through the pretty graphic emails - Iām no prude, but they definitely shocked me. š®
It was the evidence I needed to call it quits - because when Iām committed to someone, I donāt leave easily.
I packed up his stuff and called him to come over and get them.
He put up zero fight for our four-year relationship, he just denied cheating at all.
The most admission I ever got was āyes I did it, is that what you want to hear?ā which is just a cowardly cop out, IMO.
That was 23 years ago now, and theyāre still together.. So, I guess I wasnāt crazy after all š
My point with this story is to TRUST YOUR GUT.
My gut was SCREAMING at me for months/years that something was very wrong, but each time I tried to talk it through with him heād gaslight me more.
So do I regret going against my own morals and logging into his emails? š»
Fck no.
It gave me the courage I needed to call it quits.
The healing I needed to do after that relationship also got me into a journey of self-discovery and healing tools that became my lifeās work. š¤
Like Vinnie Jones said in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; āitās been emotionalā...
TAKEAWAYS
Gaslighting makes you question your sanity - when you start thinking āam I crazy?āevery second day, thatās your red flag waving furiously in the wind.
Trust isnāt blind ā itās earned, not assumed. Someone who constantly makes you feel paranoid isnāt trustworthy, theyāre manipulative.
Your gut is wiser than your head ā our bodies scream before our brains catch up. Anxiety, insomnia, checking cars/peopleā¦ thatās your nervous system ringing alarm bells.
Evidence isnāt always for them - itās for YOU - sometimes we need that undeniable proof to give ourselves permission to walk away.
Cheaters will always minimise ā āis that what you want to hear?ā = textbook cowardās response. Donāt wait for their confession, back yourself instead.
Your pain can become your purpose ā that heartbreak cracked me open to find the tools that became my lifeās work.
How can you turn your own pain into your purpose?
As always, if you want a guide on your journey, drop me a message and letās chat about how coaching and/or energy work can help.
Catcha on the flip side,
Coach Carly xx
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