13/01/2026
💛 Important share for parents & carers 💛
This is a topic many families live with quietly — and often carry a lot of shame around.
When a child becomes physically aggressive toward a parent or sibling, it can feel frightening, isolating, and overwhelming. Too often, families feel blamed or judged, when in reality this behaviour is very often a nervous system response, not a choice.
This post offers general information only — not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Every child, every family, and every situation is different.
👉 Please always seek individualised guidance from your allied-health team, particularly where safety planning is needed.
What we appreciate about this piece is that it:
• Centres safety first
• Reduces shame for parents
• Explains behaviour through a regulation and nervous-system lens
• Acknowledges and supports siblings
• Focuses on connection, not punishment
💛 How we can support families
At Developing Ur Life, we work alongside families navigating these exact moments — not with judgement, but with understanding.
Our team includes trained professionals and support staff who are experienced in:
• Neuro-affirming and trauma-informed approaches
• PDA-informed and low-demand strategies
• Safety planning and de-escalation
• Supporting siblings and the wider family system
• Building regulation skills over time, not quick fixes
Support might look like:
• Coaching parents and carers
• In-home or community-based support
• Collaboration with your existing allied-health team
• Helping families understand what the behaviour is communicating
If this content resonates with you, please know:
✨ You haven’t failed
✨ Your child isn’t “bad”
✨ You’re not alone
Sometimes behaviour is simply communication when a child’s system is overwhelmed — and with the right support, things can feel more manageable over time.
Sharing for awareness, compassion, and support 💛
What to Do When a Child Becomes Physically Aggressive Toward You or a Sibling
Important Note:
This is general information only. Every child, every family, and every situation is different.
Please always speak with your allied-health team (psychologist, OT, social worker, developmental educator, paediatrician, etc.) for personalised guidance and safety planning.
These are broad steps to help you understand what might be happening, not a one-size-fits-all plan.
One of the hardest parts of parenting a PDA or autistic child is when things get physical.
And when it happens, parents often carry shame, fear, or the belief that they’ve somehow failed.
You haven’t.
Your child isn’t “bad.”
And you’re not a bad parent.
Physical aggression in PDAers is often a nervous system survival response, not a chosen behaviour. Their brain flips into fight/flight, and once they’re in that state, they cannot think, reflect, follow instructions, or “behave better.”
Here’s what actually helps in those moments and afterward:
🟥 1. Your FIRST priority is safety, not teaching
A dysregulated child can’t learn, reason, or apologise.
This moment is about:
• staying safe
• protecting siblings
• stepping back
• reducing the intensity
No shame. No lectures. Just safety.
🟧 2. Remove all pressure
Instructions escalate the threat response.
Avoid:
“Stop!”
“You need to calm down!”
“You can’t hit!”
Try low-demand, grounding statements:
• “I’m moving back to keep us safe.”
• “We’ll talk later.”
• “You’re safe.”
• “I’m right here.”
🟨 3. Create space without abandoning
A few steps back.
Turning your body sideways.
Lowering your voice.
If a sibling is present:
• “Come with me.”
• “We’re going to step back.”
Protective, calm, and non-shaming.
🟩 4. Use soft, safe protective strategies
Not force. Not restraint.
Just safety.
• cushions as soft barriers
• slow movements
• neutral face
• sitting instead of standing
• hands visible
Your body language matters more than your words.
🟦 5. After the moment, reconnect, don’t correct
When everyone is regulated (minutes or hours later):
• “Your body was overwhelmed.”
• “Your brain felt scared.”
• “You weren’t being naughty, you were panicking.”
• “Next time we’ll figure out what your body needs sooner.”
This builds skills and safety, not shame.
🟪 6. Support siblings with simple, gentle explanations
Siblings NEED to understand it isn’t their fault.
Try:
• “Your brother’s brain felt scared.”
• “You’re safe.”
• “Your feelings matter too.”
• “You did the right thing coming to me.”
This protects their emotional world.
⬛ 7. Long-term strategies that reduce aggression
🟫 A) Reduce demands (including hidden ones)
More autonomy = less panic.
⬜ B) Build the window of tolerance
Through safety, co-regulation, sensory support, predictable routines.
🟧 C) Repair after rupture
Connection after conflict expands capacity.
🟩 D) Support transitions
This can be a big trigger for PDA kids.
🟦 E) Decode the behaviour
Aggression = “I am overwhelmed,” not “I am bad.”
💛 The Reframe
Aggression isn’t defiance.
Aggression isn’t manipulation.
Aggression isn’t a parenting failure.
It’s a child’s nervous system saying:
“This is too big for me right now.”
And with the right support, connection, and pacing, these moments CAN decrease over time.
