10/03/2021
The Memorial Ceremony- The Way Forward.
During the extraordinary times we have been faced with recently, many of us have been required to seek alternative approaches to many of the things which we used to take for granted. Eg. There was a process to follow after someone died, although choices were available, a basic protocol was usually adhered to. A burial or cremation was carried out and a funeral or memorial service in keeping with the tradition of the deceased or their family was organised and attended by friends and relatives of the deceased.
The impact Covid has had on these practices has been significant and has changed the way people are responding to death and its aftermath.
With restrictions on the amount of people allowed into services and the inability of others to travel across borders to attend, many people decided to have their loved oneâs remains cremated
and to forgo the funeral service altogether; or they made vague plans to âdo somethingâ later on, however they found that later on never comes or they feel that others may have moved on and/or they donât want to re-open old wounds. While this reasoning may seem perfectly valid given the circumstances, it fails to recognise the purpose and importance of the funeral or memorial service and its significance in the grieving process.
The following (abbreviated) article by leading death educator and grief counsellor, Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. explains the significance of healthy grieving and how this is facilitated by a meaningful funeral or memorial service.
Why Is the Funeral Ritual Important?
Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about lifeâs most important events. Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral/memorial ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief in a way consistent with the cultureâs values, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.
Mourning need #1: Acknowledge the reality of the death
When someone loved dies, we must openly acknowledge the reality and the finality of the death if we are to move forward with our grief. Typically, we embrace this reality in two phases. First we acknowledge the death with our minds; we are told that someone we loved has died and, intellectually at least, we understand the fact of the death. Over the course of the following days and weeks, and with the gentle understanding of those around us, we begin to acknowledge the reality of the death in our hearts.
Mourning need #2: Move toward the pain of the loss
As our acknowledgment of the death progresses from what I call âhead understandingâ to âheart understanding,â we begin to embrace the pain of the lossâanother need the bereaved must have met if they are to heal. Healthy grief means expressing our painful thoughts and feelings, and healthy funeral ceremonies allow us to do just that.
Mourning need #3: Remember the person who died
To heal in grief, we must shift our relationship with the person who died from one of physical presence to one of memory. The authentic funeral encourages us to begin this shift, for it provides a natural time and place for us to think about the moments we sharedâgood and badâwith the person who died. Like no other time before or after the death, the funeral invites us to focus on our past relationship with that one, single person and to share those memories with others.
Mourning need #4: Develop a new self-identity
Another primary reconciliation need of mourning is the development of a new self-identity. We are all social beings whose lives are given meaning in relation to the lives of those around us. I am not just Alan Wolfelt, but a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a friend. When someone close to me dies, my self-identity as defined in those ways changes. The funeral helps us begin this difficult process of developing a new self-identity because it provides a social venue for public acknowledgment of our new roles.
Mourning need #5: Search for meaning
When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this person die? Why now? Why this way? Why does it have to hurt so much? What happens after death? To heal in grief, we must explore these types of questions if we are to become reconciled to our grief. In fact, we must first ask these âwhyâ questions to decide why we should go on living before we can ask ourselves how we will go on living. This does not mean we must find definitive answers, only that we need the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.
Mourning need #6: Receive ongoing support from others
As we have said, funerals are a public means of expressing our beliefs and feelings about the death of someone loved. In fact, funerals are the public venue for offering support to others and being supported in grief, both at the time of the funeral and into the future. Funerals make a social statement that says, âCome support me.â Whether they realize it or not, those who choose not to have a funeral are saying, âDonât come support me.â
Wolfeltâs findings are reiterated by this article on the Batesville website https://www.batesville.com/helping-families/funeral-purpose/ âšwhich provides a definition of The Hierarchy of the Purpose of a Funeral Service.
There are many articles on the benefits of holding a memorial service for our deceased loved ones by well-respected experts in the area of loss and grief who support similar theories.
In summing up the evidence is heavily weighted toward acknowledging that funerals and memorial services are an extremely valuable and helpful resource in the healing process and if neglected could lead to difficulty in moving forward through the grief journey.
Perhaps we should think twice before taking the âeasyâ way out and recognise that in the long run it may well be the most difficult and painful option.
If you have a first anniversary looming and you didnât get the chance to have that get together. Get in touch with one of our Exceptional Funeral Celebrants, theyâd love to help you organise something.
Sue Alexander, is a grief counsellor and a member of the Exceptional Funeral Celebrants. Photo supplied by Adriana Geo Unsplash.
