Craig Facey - Psychologist in Jervis Bay

12/08/2025

04/12/2024

Imagine relationships as a shared garden, where each partner brings seeds, tools, and expectations for growth. The relationship’s success depends not on perfection but on tending the garden together, accepting droughts and w**ds while nurturing blooms. Yet modern love often suffers from "quick-fix gardening"—hasty diagnoses like "narcissist" or "gaslighter" becoming the equivalent of blaming the soil when plants struggle. These terms, while sometimes accurate, are often misused, poisoning the garden rather than fostering understanding.

Healthy Boundaries: Pruning with Care
Healthy boundaries are like pruning a thriving plant—necessary for growth but requiring precision. Speaking sternly to set limits, such as saying, “Let me finish my thought,” then walking away to de-escalate, isn’t yelling—it’s pruning a conversation before it becomes overgrown with emotion. Boundaries teach respect without uprooting trust.

Toxicity, by contrast, is pruning with hostility—lashing out, shaming, or cutting too deeply. Over time, it stunts the relationship’s growth. Mislabeling sternness as abuse can escalate minor challenges into unsolvable crises. Imagine calling every small w**d an invasive species; soon, partners stop cultivating altogether, fearing judgement for mistakes.

Oxytocin Bonds: The Fertiliser of Forgetting
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, acts as fertiliser for relationships. It encourages partners to focus on the good—shared laughter, intimacy, achievements—while softening the memory of minor conflicts. This "selective fertilisation" is why people often remember the honeymoon phase more vividly than later struggles.

However, when relationships falter, the oxytocin wanes, and the fertiliser dries up. In its absence, partners may shift from nurturing to toxifying, focusing solely on grievances. This is where modern social habits—venting to friends or airing frustrations online—turn a once-shared garden into a battlefield.

Emotional Affairs: Gardening with Outsiders
Talking about your relationship outside the relationship is like inviting a neighbour to critique your garden. Occasional advice is fine—friends can offer perspective. But venting for nearly an hour daily is akin to handing them the shears. This "emotional affair" diverts energy from your partner, creating a wedge of misunderstanding. The neighbour sees only the w**ds you show them, not the vibrant blooms.

When repeated, this habit plants seeds of resentment. Friends, loyal to you, may call your partner a "narcissist" or "gaslighter" without understanding the full context, reinforcing your frustrations. Their support feels validating but ultimately undermines the garden’s future—making reconciliation harder.

Societal Pressures: Fast-Food Gardening
Modern relationships are shaped by "fast-food gardening"—the belief that love should come effortlessly, like an instant happy ending. Social media amplifies this by showcasing perfect couples, fostering unrealistic expectations. When w**ds (conflicts) appear, many assume the garden is doomed. They uproot prematurely, labelling their partner with terms that imply cruel intentions—words like "narcissist" or "gaslighter" becoming shorthand for normal disagreements.

Yet true love thrives on patience, forgiveness, and effort. Boundaries are crucial, but so are growth and compromise. Labelling every boundary-setting moment as manipulation blocks this process, creating an unyielding garden where nothing grows.

Toxicity vs. Growth: Choosing Your Tools
Certainly, some relationships are abusive, and recognising patterns like gaslighting or narcissistic traits is essential for safety and healing. But overuse of these terms can transform challenges into insurmountable dysfunctions. A partner forgetting an anniversary isn’t gaslighting—it’s forgetfulness. Expressing frustration without screaming isn’t abuse—it’s humanity.

When couples learn to distinguish between challenges and dysfunction, they reclaim the tools of growth. Instead of poisoning the soil with labels, they can fertilise with forgiveness, water with communication, and prune with care. Accepting that w**ds are inevitable in any garden allows love to deepen beyond infatuation, becoming a flourishing bond built on mutual respect.

The Path Forward: Protecting Your Garden
To build lasting love, couples must protect their garden from unnecessary outside interference. Occasional conversations with trusted friends are fine, but regularly venting about your partner—especially in emotionally charged terms—becomes its own kind of betrayal. When you frame every conflict as their failure, you deny the shared responsibility of growth.

Instead, cultivate the garden together. Discuss boundaries openly, fertilise with affection, and w**d out toxicity through shared effort. Love isn’t perfect, but with patience, commitment, and care, it becomes a deeply rooted connection that weathers any storm.

27/11/2024

Imagine the journey of a romantic couple as a shared road trip in an unfamiliar landscape, where their vehicle represents the relationship. They traverse through the "forming, storming, norming, and performing" phases as natural terrain, each with unique challenges and rewards, reflecting the complexity of building deep, enduring love.

Forming: Setting Out on the Road
At the outset, the couple eagerly packs their car, full of hopes and ideals (infatuation). The "forming" stage is akin to driving through scenic routes in sunshine—everything appears harmonious, and conversations flow with light curiosity. This period typically lasts weeks to a few months, as the couple discovers shared interests and compatibility. Events like frequent dates, trying new experiences, or meaningful discussions accelerate the journey here. However, avoidance of deep topics can delay departure toward the next phase.

Accelerators: Open communication, shared goals, or tackling small challenges together (e.g., planning a weekend trip). Delays: Superficial interactions, one-sided effort, or ignoring red flags.

Storming: Encountering a Storm
Sooner or later, clouds gather as differences emerge. The "storming" stage resembles navigating a sudden storm—arguments flare, insecurities bubble, and the road becomes slippery. This phase, lasting 3-6 months or longer, forces the couple to confront their mismatched expectations, attachment styles, and vulnerabilities.

This turbulence is crucial, not a failure. Disagreements, when handled maturely, clear the skies for mutual understanding. However, unresolved storms (e.g., patterns of trauma bonding) risk pulling the couple into endless cycles of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn dynamics. Trauma bonding, in mild forms, may manifest as shared resilience over adversity (e.g., financial struggles). Yet, when overlooked or exaggerated, it becomes toxic: the storm escalates into hurricanes of distrust and dependency, derailing progress.

Accelerators: Healthy conflict resolution, vulnerability, or external support (e.g., therapy, mentorship). Delays: Avoidance of conflict, excessive people-pleasing (fawn), or reactive behaviours (fight/flight).

Norming: Charting Shared Coordinates
If the couple braves the storm, they find themselves in the "norming" phase—like coasting along a smoother stretch of road. Norming is the mutual agreement on shared values, roles, and rhythms. Lasting 6-12 months, this phase deepens trust and paves the way for collaboration. Small rituals (e.g., weekly date nights or shared hobbies) build intimacy, helping the couple’s "vehicle" to feel steady.

Couples here learn to spot patterns that destabilise (e.g., when unresolved trauma fosters dependency or chronic avoidance) and reframe them. Minor trauma bonding (e.g., overcoming a shared hardship) can be adaptive, as it forges resilience. However, unchecked patterns of chronic rescuing or enabling create potholes, slowly weakening the relationship.

Accelerators: Celebrating milestones, teamwork (e.g., planning a trip, cooking together), or shared accountability. Delays: Over-functioning by one partner, resentment, or stagnation.

Performing: Reaching New Horizons
In the "performing" phase, couples evolve into co-navigators, driving in harmony toward shared horizons. This deep love emerges after 12-24 months, marked by emotional intimacy, interdependence, and secure attachment. The road becomes a scenic stretch, where both partners contribute equally to the journey while respecting individuality.

True performing involves transcending the commitment vs. infatuation binary, building instead a bond based on trust, respect, and mutual growth. Couples accept imperfections, leveraging them as fuel for growth. Trauma, if present, is seen as a shared story rather than an identity, allowing the relationship to remain dynamic and not entangled in past patterns.

Accelerators: Co-creating a legacy (e.g., shared projects, supporting each other’s goals), or continuous emotional check-ins. Delays: Complacency, chronic avoidance of unresolved issues, or external pressures.

Trauma Bonding: The Hidden Flat Tyre
Trauma bonding—like an unnoticed flat tyre—slows the entire journey. In its milder form, it reflects the couple’s ability to support each other during hardship, strengthening attachment. However, when one partner consistently sacrifices themselves (fawn), or both spiral into reactive patterns (fight, flight, freeze), the vehicle veers off course. The storm becomes perpetual, preventing deep love from forming.

Normalising these bonding phases requires reframing conflicts as necessary detours, not dead ends. Deep, whole love emerges not from avoiding storms but from learning to navigate them together. This "road trip" is not linear but cyclical—partners revisit earlier phases as new challenges arise. Mastery lies in continuously tuning the vehicle (communication) and the map (shared vision), allowing both individuals to thrive without sacrificing the journey.

13/11/2024

The INT page has new trainning and info rolling out.....

12/02/2024

Charting New Territories in Psychology: Intergrative Neural Theory isn't just changing the game; it's creating a whole new playing field. By elucidating the five dimensions of self capturing subdomains of all daily neurocognitive states of mind, we offer a comprehensive map of the psyche that promises to enlighten, challenge, and inspire.

02/01/2024

Canvasing the possibilities of your new year,
Let the hues of each idea paint clear,
Stepping out and brushing up to bring your dreams near 😉

05/12/2023

Dear Partner, RE: We need your help with sleep!

As your partner's psychologist, I am writing to provide you with important information and guidance that directly impacts their therapeutic journey. It is crucial to understand that stabilisation and effective strategies for managing emotions and thinking are foundational in therapy. These strategies facilitate progress towards changing habits and overcoming trauma-related patterns.

A key aspect of stabilisation is addressing sleep struggles. Research consistently shows that difficulty in falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up early negatively impacts therapeutic outcomes. This is because a lack of restful sleep leaves the mind in a less mature, less receptive state, hindering progress in therapy. To combat this, Sleep Restriction Therapy (SRT) is highly recommended. Studies have shown that SRT is significantly more effective than medication in improving sleep quality. SRT involves using the bed solely for sleep and limiting the time spent awake in bed, alongside consistent sleep hours and minimal napping during the day.

Implementing SRT may require adjustments within the household. It is essential for your partner to have the option to leave the bedroom if they cannot sleep, to engage in quiet activities elsewhere. This might mean that adjustments will be necessary on your part if their movements disturb your sleep. While this might be challenging, it's a critical component of their therapy. If this poses difficulties for you, I recommend discussing this with your own health professional.

It is vital that your partner avoids lying in bed with negative thoughts, as this can severely hinder therapeutic progress. Your cooperation and understanding in this matter are not only appreciated but essential for the effectiveness of the therapy. Your role in supporting your partner's therapeutic journey is invaluable, and your efforts in facilitating these necessary changes are deeply appreciated.

Sincerely,

Psychologist

11/09/2023

Life is like grandma's cherished roast dinner. If you take her advice and eat the necessities in the veggies first, then when you report back on how the meal was, the dessert sweets will resonate so much deeper. In every sense, earn your pay before you indulge in play each day, and life will become sweeter each day in every way.

31/08/2023

Would you like your train of though to take a rest at the station.....
This unique meditation technique combines elements of deep breathing, posture alignment, focused attention, and mindfulness. It aims to achieve a balanced state of mental clarity and physical relaxation. Drawing inspiration from various traditional and modern methodologies, this practice offers an integrative approach to well-being, only to be used in a safe quiet place whilst not operating anything.

Script for Your Technique
Begin by sitting up straight and taking the deepest breath you can muster. Then, inhale even more air, enjoying the light euphoria that comes from the additional oxygen. Hold the breath until you start to feel a slight discomfort. Slowly exhale, allowing your body to maintain a straight posture as you relish the sensation of warmth and relaxation washing over you.

Next, shift your gaze upwards, as though trying to look beyond your eyebrows to the top of your head. Notice the tension in your eye muscles as they focus your attention and usher in new brainwave patterns. When you're ready, release the eye tension while exhaling, and feel the weight of your eyelids, reminiscent of sleepiness.

Finally, envision your thoughts as carriages on a train. Shift your focus to the gaps between each thought. Gradually, let your train of thought become more about the void between each thought rather than the thoughts themselves. Savour the comfort of this mental stillness as your mind resets and recharges.

25/07/2023

Negatives exist purely because there are positives;
reframing affirmations nourishes an enlightened mind.

04/04/2023

Craig Facey - Psychologist Meditations : Dreamweaver Technique for Self-Reflection: A Creative Approach to Improve Mental Health Based on Neuroscience

The Dreamweaver Technique is a method invented by Craig Facey that incorporates self-reflection, creative visualization, and relaxation to improve one's mental health and self-management abilities. This technique is based on neuroscientific findings that suggest that our internal thought processes a...

03/04/2023

Craig Facey - Psychologist Meditations : Managing Pregnancy Pain and Sleep Disturbance by Exploring the Relaxation Response: The Mermaid's Underwater Adventure

Pregnancy presents numerous difficulties, including pain, discomfort, and sleep disruptions. The depths of the ocean, however, offered an escape from these challenges for the mermaid in our story. The mermaid found the power of relaxation and mindfulness in a bioluminescent forest filled with glowin...