Jacob Langford: Massage Therapist

Jacob Langford: Massage Therapist *** THIS PAGE IS NO LONGER IN USE ***
I'm still available for bookings but please direct all enquiries to the Universal Massage page.

Best of luck to my clients that are competing tomorrow in the .barbell Atlas Classic.Come hit me up for a poke/prod/scra...
01/12/2023

Best of luck to my clients that are competing tomorrow in the .barbell Atlas Classic.
Come hit me up for a poke/prod/scrape/stretch before or after your event.
I'll be lurking and possibly shouting somewhere.

*** ANNOUNCEMENT ***About 2 years ago I messaged a prominent local powerlifting coach offering my services doing pre and...
05/11/2023

*** ANNOUNCEMENT ***
About 2 years ago I messaged a prominent local powerlifting coach offering my services doing pre and post event stretching and massage for his athletes at an upcoming meet.
2 years later and my message is still left on read and hasn't been replied to because I assume they're too important for me.
But .barbell aren't!
Atlas are nice!
We like Atlas.
In fact we like Atlas (and the fact that they're not pretentious and don't see themselves above lowly remedial massage therapists) so much that I'll be volunteering my services to the athletes for pre and post event stretching, mobilizing and massage for the upcoming ATLAS CLASSIC on the 2nd of December.
No need to book or anything, just track me down on the day and tell me how I can help you.
But if you feel inclined to bring me a cuppa so I can work harder I won't say no.

I use lotion for my remedial treatments on your meat suit.Why don't I use oil you may ask?Many reasons!I like lotion bec...
25/10/2023

I use lotion for my remedial treatments on your meat suit.
Why don't I use oil you may ask?
Many reasons!
I like lotion because:
Lotion will absorb into your skin and nourish it while I make you regret your booking.
Lotion when used sparingly still allows for enough grip to perform trigger point therapy and myofascial release.
I don't use oil because:
I find oil compromises grip and control with scraping tools and cups and will eventually damage cups.
Oil is difficult to clean up in the work place.
Oil smells weird.
Oil is used for cooking.
Oil is s**t for massages and always makes me feel like a big greasy sosig that can't touch anything till I go and have a shower which takes FOREVER to stop feeling all slippery and I have clients that want to go back to work and not ruin their clothes.
Ok so maybe I don't so much like lotion as much as I despise oil.
If YOU don't enjoy a greasy sosig massage, book in with me.
Or Molly.
She's learned to love lotion too.
Or hate oil.
I haven't asked.

Our family dynamic is unusual.Our relationship is unconventional.And we are immature.Thank you  for 13 (contractual) yea...
23/10/2023

Our family dynamic is unusual.
Our relationship is unconventional.
And we are immature.
Thank you for 13 (contractual) years of being unusual, unconventional and immature with me.
You really could have done better.

Our family dynamic is unusual.Our relationship is unconventional.And we are immature.Thank you for 13 (contractual) year...
23/10/2023

Our family dynamic is unusual.
Our relationship is unconventional.
And we are immature.
Thank you for 13 (contractual) years of being unusual, unconventional and immature with me.
You really could have done better.

My clients are stranger than yours.Sorry.🖤
19/10/2023

My clients are stranger than yours.
Sorry.
🖤

Find yourself an RMT that's squeeze your obliques like a tube of tooth paste when you complain of lower back pain 🖤
23/09/2023

Find yourself an RMT that's squeeze your obliques like a tube of tooth paste when you complain of lower back pain 🖤

"I almost threw up in my mouth from that one. Good job!"- Happy(?) Client.Have I mentioned before how much I enjoy worki...
20/09/2023

"I almost threw up in my mouth from that one. Good job!"
- Happy(?) Client.
Have I mentioned before how much I enjoy working the subscapularis?

What does a treatment session look like?Well I can't show you properly because my hands are usually a bit busy so let me...
26/07/2023

What does a treatment session look like?
Well I can't show you properly because my hands are usually a bit busy so let me tell you about my first client today.
Client presented with left side dominant lower back pain.
Palpating revealed tenderness around the iliolumbar ligament but TESTING showed a jamming in the right sacroiliac joint, lowered range of motion in the right lat and lowered external rotation in the left femur.
The session involved dry needling, trigger point therapy, MET stretching, deep tissue stripping and pin and mobilising of select tissue.
Along with general faffing about to calm muscles down.
Target areas were the right lat, left glute minimums, both glute medius, both quadratus lumborum, both external obliques, both erector spinae complex, both tensor fasciae latae, the left adductor complex with focus on the adductor Longus, right pectoralis major and minor and some nice spleni and TMJ work to tie it all together with a sub occiput release by way of apology.
In lay person, the quadratus lumborum are the muscles of the "Lower back" (there's a lot more but that was the indicated area of discomfort.)
As you can see, they were included, but what was focused on was everything around them that were screaming for a bit of a calm down with a cuppa and a nice bikkie.
This is what you get for your money from Remedial Massage.
This is what you can expect from treatment with me.
And this is why I ask so many bloody questions and always shout "WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE?!" when you tell me what you perceive as a disconnected and irrelevant detail about your physical activity or general body stuff.
Also this is why you don't come to for "Just a Massage"

In case you weren't aware, Molly likes the idea of working late of a week night!Which works out amazing for you on a Wed...
29/05/2023

In case you weren't aware, Molly likes the idea of working late of a week night!
Which works out amazing for you on a Wednesday or Thursday because it means you can sneak a midweek massage treatment in without having to start work late or coming in during your lunch break!
Hit the link in the bio or story to book her this week!

Molly still has spots available for her first day people!Head to the link in bio to book!
25/05/2023

Molly still has spots available for her first day people!
Head to the link in bio to book!

Best of luck again to Jess!She's in WA today competing in the 2023 CAPO powerlifting state championshipsIt's been a less...
21/05/2023

Best of luck again to Jess!
She's in WA today competing in the 2023 CAPO powerlifting state championships
It's been a less than ideal prep from what I've been told and I've never lost so much sleep thinking about on persons fu***ng knee but you're there now so you may as well disrespect some iron!
There will be a link available in my story if anyone wants to see Jess and other ludicrously strong humans lift some utter nonsense weights.

Things I didn't learn from my formal education: How to deal with Thicc Bois  when you start attracting serious lifters.T...
18/05/2023

Things I didn't learn from my formal education: How to deal with Thicc Bois when you start attracting serious lifters.
Things I learned from the streets: How to throw elbows at pecs of said Thicc Bois cause hands just don't cut it.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Guess what? I won't be loudly singing "I'm all alone" in the voice of Donkey from Shrek when I'm at work for much longer...
16/05/2023

Guess what? I won't be loudly singing "I'm all alone" in the voice of Donkey from Shrek when I'm at work for much longer!
This is Molly.
Molly will be joining Universal Massage as a fellow Meat Suit maintainer as of the 27th!
Molly has a passion for sports and a competitive history in bodybuilding and both Ice and Inline Hockey.
Her treatments have a remedial focus and her background in spa work means she will likely be delivering said treatment with much less body-horror than the terrors I inflict on you lot.
Until I show her some of my more interesting techniques that is.
Molly also offers cupping with her treatments if they will suit your needs.
Molly will be available to book from the 27th of May onwards and will be working the following times.
Wednesday - Thursday 6:15pm to 9:45pm
Saturday 6am to 12pm
(I swear she's not a vampire. She just sleeps less than me which is actually more surprising)
Bookings are already open so get in and get yourself a spot!
Have I mentioned how much I love having a professional business social page and a nonsense one?
(Also the first person who requests anything sensual gets a free lifetime ban and a 5min sound track of me laughing at them in their voicemail)

See, this is why I shouldn't be given spare time...
03/05/2023

See, this is why I shouldn't be given spare time...

Frandly reminder!I'm putting in the order for the first run if shirts tomorrow so DM or text me if you want one and have...
30/04/2023

Frandly reminder!
I'm putting in the order for the first run if shirts tomorrow so DM or text me if you want one and haven't already put it on order!
All shirts come with a bumper sticker of the same design and will increase your appeal to local dogs and some wombats by 47.3%*
*This is a lie.

See that there? That's an Achilles tendon with a cup on it.See that puckering?That's not supposed to happen.Ideally, the...
27/04/2023

See that there?
That's an Achilles tendon with a cup on it.
See that puckering?
That's not supposed to happen.
Ideally, the whole thing should look like the top of an egg.
Nice, round and smooth.
Is this a blockage in energy flow?
Dunno 🤷‍♂️
Is this due to a lack of blood flow?
Maybe 🩸
Is the underlying fascia gummed up tacking the epidermis to the underlying tendon?
Very likely 🎉
Is s**t just plain stuck?
Abso-bloody-lutely! 🦕
So what do?
Lower the tension in the muscles attaching to the tendon.
Apply a myofascial technique (cross fiber, scraping, cupping, possibly needling)
Give it a stretch and send the client off with some stretching and frictioning self care for the area.
But why?
Why not leave it alone?
Because your fascia is one big arse sheet of underlying tissue that lets your muscles and skin slide and glide against each other.
And seeing as it's all one structure, a compromise (stuck/bound) portion somewhere along the line can have a knock on effect elsewhere.
In this case, it can CONTRIBUTE to tightness in the muscles of the lower leg and foot, which can knock onto joint stiffness in the ankle.
Or I'm wrong.
Who knows!
But what I can tell you, is in my experience, this kind of stuff all seems to stack up and what I do tends to help.
So from now on, instead of me keeping my opinions and views to myself for fear of being wrong or having people question me I'll just caveat it all with the following.
This is what I know from my experience, study and stuffing around.
This is the truth as far as I know it and I'm more than happy to be corrected because it means I'm learning, which means I can help treat you better.
Do not take this as gospel, I'm not here to sell you on anything.
Ok. Cool.
So I'm gunna start showing you more s**t like this and will likely get called a quack!
Welcome to the ride!
🦆

That's right folks I finally got off my butt and organized the "band shirts" designed by the gob-smackingly talented  I'...
21/04/2023

That's right folks I finally got off my butt and organized the "band shirts" designed by the gob-smackingly talented
I'm taking pre-orders now via DM or text or something until I can sort out how to organize it through the website.
Sizing info is available if you swipe through the photos.
The WO Maple shirt is in pic 4 and is a "Ladies" design with a shorter body and smaller selves.
Guys I don't judge if you want a Maple.
Ladies I don't judge if you want a Staple.
Dogs I don't judge but I'm curious how you're using a phone.
Shirts are $25 ea.
If you're not a regular visiting client I'll be asking for a deposit before ordering and I'll be processing the order at the start of the next month.
Regulars can pay when they drop in next.
Shirts are available in Black or Black, and each will come with a bumper sticker of the same design in full colour with grey or white background depending on your car colour.
I look forward to seeing people frolicking around town in this amazing design.

Address

Grace St
Sandy Bay, TAS
7005

Opening Hours

Wednesday 8:30am - 8:30pm
Thursday 8:30am - 8:30pm
Friday 2:30pm - 6:30pm
Sunday 8:30am - 2pm

Telephone

+61437752443

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