21/05/2024
I was chatting with some friends of mine on our beach vacation last week, and they commented on how little my teens were spending on their phones.
"I'd pay good money to get my kid off their phone," they said. "How'd you do it?"
And I replied, "It wasn't easy. I had to show them that there were things worth doing that weren't on their phones--even when I didn't feel like it."
And he countered: "But don't you remember how we never had to be told how to fill our time? We just did it."
That's when I said, "Yeah, but we didn't grow up with iPads on car trips and every toy lighting up and a phone to play with at every juncture. I know how hard it is for me to put my phone down, and I remember a time without them. They don't."
You see, when my kids were babies, I would watch when my mom would get down on the floor with them and play. I just wasn't into it and always wanted them to occupy themselves for a few minutes so I could do dishes or pick up a few things.
She would show them how to stack blocks and how dolls could have tea parties and how a box could become an airplane. She worked as a nursery school teacher many years ago and explained how kids sometimes need to be taught how to use their imagination and learn to play.
She used to say, "It takes time, but it will pay off later when they can entertain themselves."
And she was right. Eventually, my kids did learn to play by themselves more, and I was so appreciative my mom showed me how to do that.
About 18 months ago, I realized my teens were in a bad place with their phones from the pandemic. I often found them in their rooms mindlessly scrolling or watching videos for hours. When I asked them to put their phones down, they usually would, but only to roam around our house moody and sullen until I found them back up on their beds an hour later.
I knew something had to change. I had to teach them things to do without their phones.
So, instead of simply telling them to put their devices down, I would say, "Hey, let's go thrifting." Or, "I looked up a new trail to hike." Or, "Let's watch an episode of that show you like." Or "Do you want to go to the bookstore with me?" Or "Sure, I'll drive you and your friend to X."
Anytime they expressed an interest in something that didn't have to do with their phone, I tried to pounce on it.
When my daughter said she wished she didn't quit piano, I dug our old keyboard out and showed her an app where she could learn her favorite songs. When another said she loved live music, I tried to find every opportunity to take her to some free concerts. When another said she needed volunteer hours, we did a few opportunities together.
Don't kid yourself. My three teenagers did not welcome these opportunities with open arms and phrases like, "Oh, mom, you are the best! Thank you so much for limiting my screen time!"
It was exhausting for me to work and try to fill their phone void. I had to sacrifice a lot of my free time and the things that I wanted to do for myself. I had to endure a lot -- A LOT -- of eye rolls and sighs and how they could turn the word "mom" into three syllables.
But I kept at it.
When Starbucks had half-off days, I took them there. When they mentioned a local place they wanted to go, I scheduled the time to do it. When they wanted to bake a cake at 10:30 p.m. even though I was bone-tired from a long day, I took a deep breath and said sure, why not?
And excruciatingly slowly, I noticed a change.
One day, my daughter asked if she could get some books from the library, so I dropped her off while I ran an errand. She plowed through an entire series, and I tried not to make it a big deal (although I was so happy I could have cried.)
A few days later, two of my daughters and their friends went to watch the sunset with a picnic for a few hours at a local park while the other had some friends over for S'mores. The only time I saw the phones out was to take some pictures.
They are now starting to fill their own voids in healthy ways.
Don't get me wrong. They spend PLENTY of time on their phones still, but when I talk to them about it, they've definitely made progress.
I was surprised when at the beginning of the summer, one of my almost-18-year-olds told me she didn't want to keep her phone in her room at night because she found it too distracting, and my other daughter said she took Instagram off her phone "for now" because she didn't like the way it made her feel.
And now, when they have a bad day, or I can tell something is wrong, I don't see them rushing into their bedrooms and sitting on their phones all night. I see them going for a jog, taking the dog for a walk, or sometimes even journaling.
I don't think they would have made these healthy choices if they didn't know what it felt like not to be tethered to their phones. They no longer use them to soothe their minds or hearts.
Here's the thing: We can complain about technology, phones, and social media. We can focus on how different things were when we were growing up. We can try to put all the monitoring software and screen time limitations we want on their devices.
OR we can do something about it. We can teach them how to live life in a different way.
I'm not saying it's easy. But I am saying they are worth it.
You got this. It's never too late to change the tech rules in your house, and it's never too late to model the behavior you want to see.
*This is a repost
Whitney Fleming Writes
