28/01/2026
This is really useful for all parents who are co-parenting in different households, but especially if your child/children has PDA
Co-Parenting With an Ex Who Doesn’t Understand PDA
Co-parenting a PDA child is hard enough when you're on the same team.
But co-parenting with an ex who doesn’t understand PDA… that’s a whole different level of emotional work.
Especially when they revert to old-school lines like:
“Just make them do it.”
“They’re manipulating you.”
“You’re too soft.”
“They’ll toughen up eventually.”
And suddenly, the child is stuck between two completely different parenting worlds, one focused on safety and connection, and one focused on compliance and control.
Here are some things that could help in this situation:
1. Stick to your lane
You cannot control what happens in the other house.
You can only control the safety, environment, and connection you offer in yours.
Your consistency matters more than you realise.
2. Communicate through facts, not fights
Instead of debating PDA, keep it simple and neutral:
“When he’s overwhelmed, demands create shutdowns. Here’s what helped today…”
or
“Here’s what made things worse last week, so we might want to avoid that.”
You’re sharing information, not trying to convert them.
3. Focus on the child’s nervous system, not the label
Sometimes saying “PDA” triggers defensiveness.
But saying:
“He’s not coping in survival mode, this is fear, not misbehaviour,”
lands better.
Everyone understands fear.
Not everyone understands PDA.
4. Keep a predictable, low-pressure home base
You’d be surprised how stabilising it is for a PDA child to know:
“At Mum’s house, I’m safe.”
“At Dad’s house, I’m safe.”
Even if BOTH homes don’t feel that way, ONE safe home changes the entire dynamic.
5. Don’t carry the blame
You are not “soft.”
You are not “making it worse.”
You are not “creating the behaviour.”
You are responding to the nervous system in front of you.
And the best thing you can do is keep doing what works, even if the other parent isn’t on board yet.
6. Protect your peace
If communication with the ex is heated, short, or unproductive:
Use email.
Keep it brief.
No long explanations.
No debates.
Just the facts.
7. Remember: kids grow up and they understand who made them feel safe
Children might not have the language today, but they absolutely know:
• who scared them
• who pushed too hard
• who regulated with them
• who made room for their nervous system
• who helped them feel understood
Your relationship with your child is being built moment by moment, not through compliance, but through connection.
