11/10/2021
Anger can be really difficult to deal with as a parent of teens. It’s really helpful to remember that anger is a secondary emotion … there is almost always another emotion underneath it - anxiety, sadness, loneliness.
If you can take some deep breaths and try to see what is underneath the anger rather than respond to the rudeness that may accompany the anger - you have a chance to connect and help your teen move through what is happening for them. They may let you into their world.
I love this question from Karen Young - Hey Sigmund “What would they be if they weren’t angry?”
When we are angry, there will always be another emotion underneath it. It is this way for all of us.
Anger itself is a valid emotion so it’s important not to dismiss it. Emotion is e-motion - energy in motion. It has to find a way out, which is why telling an angry child to calm down or to keep their bodies still will only make things worse for them. They might comply, but their bodies will still be in a state of distress.
Often, beneath an angry child is an anxious one needing our help. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. As with all emotions, anger has a job to do - to help us to safety through movement, or to recruit support, or to give us the physical resources to meet a need or to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean it does the job well, because an angry brain means the feeling brain has the baton, while the thinking brain sits out for a while. What it means is that there is a valid need there and this young person is doing their very best to meet it, given their available resources in the moment or their developmental stage.
Children need the same thing we all need when we’re feeling fierce - to be seen, heard, and supported; to find a way to get the energy out, either with words or movement. Not to be shut down or ‘fixed’.
Our job isn’t to stop their anger, but to help them find ways to feel it and express it in ways that don’t do damage. This will take lots of experience, and lots of time - and that’s okay.♥️
