Rachel McGinty - Psychotherapist & Counsellor

22/06/2023

One part of becoming an emotionally mature human is learning to live with duality.

This is the understanding that more than one truth can exist at the same time, even though they may be contradicting or in opposition with each other.

One practice I learnt (and use all the time) is to replace the word "but" with "and".

"But" tends to invalidate everything that comes before it.

"And" allows it to stay true even if we're adding to it.

Rather than saying "I love you BUT you really annoy me some times", I'll say "I love you AND you really annoy me some times".

Or...

"I really want to do this BUT I'm scared" becomes "I really want to do this AND I'm scared".

They're not competing ideas.

Can you let go of the rigidity of singular thinking and allow multiple things to be true at once?

14/06/2023

Therapy Meme Thursday 💕

11/05/2023

We all carry around stories about who we are and how we show up in the world.

A lot of them were handed to us by our family and societal conditioning.

For so long I played roles that didn’t feel satisfying. But they were my go-to personas.

It was so easy to slip into the funny-but-bitchy role, or the helpless youngest sibling.

But I would often walk away feeling shame which was my telltale that something needed attention.

It’s such a turning point when we sit down and reckon with these narratives.

When we acknowledge that we’re not destined to be the same person we’ve always been and that actually, some beliefs don’t even belong to us.

All parts of us serve a purpose. Yes, even the bitchy or jealous or aggressive part. They’re all here to protect us.

But awareness allows us to dictate whether they’re in the back seat or driving the car.

07/05/2023

If you want to be good at relationships, you have to get good at apologising.

Because you’re human and you will mess up.

30/04/2023

Your weekly dose of therapy memes 💕

25/04/2023

Would love to know the little gold nuggets you’ve discovered recently about relationships ⬇️

21/04/2023

Two years of loving and being loved by you. And my god, what to say.

You are the man that taught me that love is not found.

It is created. Slowly. Consciously and intentionally.

When you asked me to be your girlfriend (the second time) we discussed why. Not just because 'it's what you do' or 'because I love you'

We were both clear that we desired to create a space where we could heal, grow and thrive. That it was a priority to both of us to cultivate a relationship so that when life deals its hands, we have a safe haven to run home to.

You've given me the gift of space to let unresolved wounds and unconscious beliefs come to the surface.

You see all of my messiness and hold it. Without hesitation. You get in the mud with me.

You showed me that my needs don't make me needy.

They are actually a gift I can give you to show you how to love me. And you capitalise on every opportunity to let me know I am respected, adored, seen and valued.

You've spent hours sitting with me on the couch, on long walks, in bars, airports, doctors waiting rooms and with a therapist trying to figure out life. In deep, engaging and often challenging conversation.

You are safe, grounded, protective and present. A 6'I bottle of Va**um. You cannot rattle this man. You cannot shake him. He is steadfast in his convictions, clear in his intentions, and solid in his direction. He really is the epitome of all that is good in men.

18/04/2023

It’s not uncommon that the people who do the most damage in this world are the ones who have lots of unexpressed and unresolved emotion built up in their bodies.

12/04/2023

People who have people-pleasing tendencies usually don't actually know how to be loved.

When someone offers them unconditional love (ie. you don't need to perform or serve to be wanted), it can be confronting, challenging and confusing.

We all talk a big game about wanting to be loved. But it's worth looking at how we may in fact be rejecting the love we desire or create dynamics that don't allow reciprocity to arise.

11/04/2023

People who have people-pleasing tendencies usually don’t actually know how to be loved.

When someone offers them unconditional love (ie. you don’t need to perform or serve to be wanted), it can be confronting, challenging and confusing.

We all talk a big game about wanting to be loved. But it’s worth looking at how we may in fact be rejecting the love we desire or create dynamics that don’t allow reciprocity to arise.

07/04/2023

Slowing down isn’t a lesser way of living. Sometimes it’s exactly what we need. When an animal is wounded, it needs to rest.

Slowness isn’t a place we should aim to stay. But it’s a place worth visiting.

Sometimes when clients come to me overwhelmed, having tried a million things to do to fix themselves, and looking for what to do to calm their anxiety I propose something radical.

Do less. Rest. Eat fruit. Watch sh*tty tv. Go and have an hour long conversation with someone who’s thoughts you think matter. Go and see how many shades of green you can pick out in a tree.

01/04/2023

Given that suffering is our birthright, we have two choices.

The first is to do what is in our human nature. We can spend our life running from uncomfortable emotions. We are, after all, wired to move away from things that cause us pain and towards that which is pleasurable.

However, like an immune system that is overly protected and never tested, we render ourselves unprepared and inexperienced with difficulty.

Or we can do what Yoga asks us to do every time we step on the mat. We can learn to dance with suffering. To not only tolerate it but to get good at it.

We can voluntarily lean into discomfort. To invite suffering in like an unwelcome house guest.

Talk to it. Feel it. Move it through and out of your body. Let it inhabit and transform you. Let it burn off what no longer needs to be there and bring forth what is more aligned.

Because suffering met with compassionate inquiry is akin to a conversation with God.

26/03/2023

I usually hate relationship cliches because they’re often lacking in nuisance or just totally misguided.

But one I know to be true is this: you can either be right or you can be connected.

Some people treat their relationship like a courtroom where they argue all the evidence. They expect that a therapist will listen, deliberate on it, and find them innocent and their partner guilty.

And look…you can win. You can 100% tear your partners arguments apart and present a well formulated thesis for why you are right.

But you’ll leave your relationship in shatters as a result.

You might be right but there’s no more open dialogue between you two because you’ve shut them down and made them feel invalidated.

You may have won but you partner has learnt that you don’t care about their experience and perspective and as a result withdraw from you.

Is it really worth destroying your relationship to prove to your ego that you’re intelligent and always right?

To love it to say sorry a million times. To die you the self and trust that loves transcendent power asks us to shed parts of ourselves that aren’t working anymore.

22/03/2023

16/03/2023

Unconscious beliefs are, by their nature, unknown.

But there is a way we can know they are there. They won’t present as rational thoughts or coherent beliefs.

They show up in your behaviour.

A friend makes an off-hand joke about you being sensitive and you feel so deeply attacked? Well…what stories did your parents tell you about your emotions via their responses to your outbursts?

Someone challenges a political opinion you have and it feels personal? Maybe you overly identify with your intellect and to challenge your ideas feels like a challenge to who you are as a person.

Get curious about those sticky moments. They are your path inward ✨

13/03/2023

Growth happens when we voluntarily approach our darkness and alchemise it with curiosity.

06/02/2023

Part 3/ I grew up with divorced parents. 

Even before they separated I didn’t witness much love. I heard comments like “don’t get married - it’s a trap” and “if I had my time over I wouldn’t have picked this life”.

I didn’t have a blueprint for what love should look like and that led me into a lot of hurt. I most certainly didn’t know what healthy love looked like, let alone that it existed. 

When I met Bev, I admitted to those around me that I didn’t know what I was doing but I had to do something differently. Date differently. Think differently. 

I remember talking to my therapist about the fact that I felt so torn about Bev a few months into dating. On paper, he was perfect. But I didn’t feel an overwhelming conviction that he was right for me. 

This is where my unlearning and relearning began. It started with a simple phrase uttered by my therapist. 

She said “I think you think love is way more exciting then it really is”. And as depressing as that may initially sound, it gave me hope. It gave me permission to let go of my old narrative and be open to a new concept of what love may be. 

What I’ve come to know instead is so much better. 

And it’s that love isn’t found - it is created. Creating a home in another person is less about chemistry and more about cups of teas and conversations on the couch. 

It’s about doing self-reflection work so that you can consciously create your relationship dynamic rather than unconsciously just act out what you saw your parents do. 

Love takes time. You need time to see someone in a lot of contexts. You need to see them stressed in an airport, struggling with money and sick. People can show up real good when it’s easy but watch who they become when things get hard. 

It’s about learning the language of communication. How to say “sorry” properly and how to construct a “thank you” that makes your partner feel deeply seen. It’s about learning to identify your feelings and articulate them because no, they shouldn’t “just know”. It’s about clearly understanding what you need and expect. And it’s also about being able to admit that sometimes those expectations are unrealistic for one person to meet and let them go.

03/02/2023

Part two/ I met Bev at a funny time.

I had just gone through a break up. One of those break ups that cracks you open and has you on the bathroom floor questioning what you did in another lifetime to deserve this. To say I was hurting is insufficient. It wasn’t until I came upon Brenè Brown’s definition of anguish that I really felt like there was a word able to fully articulate what was happening to me.

“Anguish not only takes away our ability o breathe, feel, and think - it comes for our bones. Anguish often causes us to physically crumple in our ourselves, literally bringing us to our knees or forcing us all the way to the ground. The element of powerlessness is what make anguish traumatic. We are unable to change, reverse, or negotiate what has happened.”

A part of me intuitively knew that my healing would happen by going to the Yoga mat (amongst many other things like being out in nature, sitting with myself longer than I’d like to, writing letters I’d never send, being held in the arms of people who loved me and could hold my pain, and, of course, getting my ass to therapy). I needed to start caring for myself and my body in the way I wanted to be cared for in my relationship.

Low and behold, the first class I signed up for was taught by a gorgeous man. I tried not to get distracted because I knew I was in no state to connect. But I definitely walked to his classes a little quicker than my other ones.

It took a few months but we finally went out for dinner. I remember being super intentional about what I wanted from the night. I wasn’t going to see if there was a spark. I wasn’t going to know if he was my future husband by midnight. My only measure of if it was a good date was if there was more I wanted to know about him. And given that in the first ten minutes we realised we were both yoga teachers who were studying to be psychotherapists, I had a lot of questions.