Seaside Holistic Psychology, Sydney (2025)

06/09/2025

Growing up, I didn’t think boundaries were possible or even an option.
They were met with dismissal, derision, disregard, mockery & at times outright hostility.
If you were taught that your needs & wants were not important or even ok, you learn to not stand up for yourself.
Over time you start believe to believe that you’re not worth standing up for.
As I started to do more work on myself, making sure my actions aligned with my value system, with who I am & want to be, I realised that boundary work was really at the centre of it all.
Self worth & boundaries work in a loop.
They are intertwined.
Boundary work asks what YOU think, want & need.
Over time you start to realise that your thoughts, needs & wants are also important.
That you matter & you are worth standing up for.
That’s what boundaries do, they stand up for you.
If you grew up believing your wants & needs were not as important as other people’s, you might have resorted to fawning & pleasing, hoping somewhere in there you’ll also get what you need if you make the other person or people happy first.
Changing these patterns that were set up in childhood is not easy.
It is uncomfortable & for some, down right scary.
They were met with hostility, bullying, isolation & exclusion when they tried standing up for themselves.
We learnt at a young age that our worth was tied to having no boundaries.
Being loved meant not having our own thoughts & feelings.
Boundaries meant we were being difficult & felt guilty.
It is time to change these patterns.
Unhealthy boundaries create feelings of low self worth.
Healthy boundaries are kind, they give clarity to you & me, they allow us to live with integrity & accountability when we treat ourselves like we have equal value & worth x

24/07/2025

Hope is a good thing, however there is a difference between what Martha Stark calls ‘relentless hope’, that is the pursuit of the unattainable.
Versus a hope that is sustainable & rooted in reality.
We hope that one day this person will stop drinking, gambling, cheating, maybe even ask you how your day was without being prompted!
We hope that once they stop the behaviour that is causing us pain, life will be better. They will be the partner, parent, boss, friend, that we know they have the capacity to be.
Maybe they were different when you first met & you miss that person. Or maybe you see so much potential in who they could be one day.
But what if this is it?
Do you like who this person is as they are? Do you want to be around this person, spend time with them if they never ‘change’?
For some, when things are good, it is hard to remember or hard to imagine that things were ever bad! Or when things are bad it can be hard to imagine or hard to remember that things were actually good.
We may even be painfully aware of the need to let go of the hope that this person will change & accept the reality of who this person is. However to get from relentless hope to acceptance of what is, there is grief. Relentless hope is a way to protect ourselves form feeling the pain that goes with that grief.
The reality that this person will never change hurts too much so we hold on to hope. We probably even try harder to make things work!
Where relentless hope is a way of keeping us from the pain of what is. Realistic hope is having the capacity to accept what is & the heartbreak & grief that comes with that acceptance x

21/06/2025

Emotional abuse & emotional neglect wear a person down over time.
If you were on the receiving end you may not even have realised you were being abused.
For many, this trauma began in childhood.
A child who has been emotionally abused may grow into an adult who sees malice, attack & criticism everywhere.
They may shut down or strike back in response.
Growing up with name calling, insults, inappropriate & unreasonable limits or control can lead to us being demanding, critical & expecting perfection.
Braced for the next attack, perceiving danger & threat (even when it isn’t actually happening), we react accordingly.
A child who has experienced emotional neglect may grow up feeling confused & empty. When our parents fail to notice our struggles or show interest, we can grow into adults that have learned to suppress our needs, worried that they are too much for others.
We learn to put other people’s needs first, solve problems & take on every request made of us. As a result we lose touch with who we really are & struggle to set limits & boundaries in all areas of our lives.
Trauma isn’t just what happened to us, it is also acts of omission, what didn’t happen. Sometimes we may not be able to point to one particular thing that did or did not happen, we just have a sense that for a significant amout of time things were “off”.
Emotional neglect, being an act of omission, can be even trickier to identify, it’s hard to remember or even understand what didn’t happen but should have.
Especially if you came from a family that met all your physical needs.
So you learn to ignore, minimise or even be ashamed of your feelings as an adult, feeling ungrateful about “complaining”.
Emotional abuse & neglect don’t leave marks on our bodies but that doesn’t mean they are “invisible”.
They leave a lasting impact that effects every area of our lives x

14/06/2025

Being vulnerable asks that we connect to ourselves, to what we feel & then share it with another person. Brene Brown describes vulnerability as, “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”
It sounds wonderful doesn’t it?!
To me it means the ability to be real & authentic with ourselves. And then sharing this part of ourselves with another person. Not having to worry or be scared of their reaction to our truth.
When expressing our truth is met with repeated criticism, shaming or attack, we learn to silence ourselves & we begin to self blame. We start to question our reality.
Relational trauma is very much the perpetrators reactions to our feelings, how they responded, what they said or did, how they shamed & hurt us when we tried to stand up & express our feelings.
It’s not the expression of our feelings that is the problem, it is the reactions we received that caused the issues.
Using DARVO tactics actively discourages people from speaking up.
It’s a three part strategy, deny, minimise or dismiss what you bring up. Attack your credibility and then they flip roles & play victim. This causes confusion & silences the real victim.
When we speak our truth to someone who can hear you, validate you, believe you, we learn to trust ourselves, to reconnect with our gut intuition & trust our inner wisdom, we regain the things that were destroyed as a result of the trauma x

10/06/2025

When the bystander is forced to take a side, it is easier to take the side that asks you to do nothing. That asks you to ignore, forget, dismiss, minimise, stay silent.
And there are rewards for your silence. You avoid being excluded, isolated, attacked. You get to stay in the fold. Be part of the group or the pack. It is tempting to look the other way.
When you watch another be attacked, discredited, treated with contempt, it is easier to look away & let the perpetrator name & define the reality of the situation.
Even with everything we know today about the way trauma impacts a human, it is the credibility of the victim-survivor, not the perpetrator, that is repeatedly put into question.
It’s not uncommon for the victim-survivor be treated more harshly than the person who abused them. To hear comments like:
“Why are you being so difficult?”
“Why are you making things awkward for everyone?”
“Why can’t you just let it go?”
“Get over it!”
If someone is telling you something about another person, gossiping about someone, it can be seductive to go along & even enjoy the attention that may be given to you by this person. To feel part of the ‘crew’.
Consider approaching the person who is being talked about, get to know them or listen to what happened for them. Especially important if you consider this person a friend.
And if you are on the receiving end, it may be time to let people go & invest in new relationships. It is important to hold tightly to your reality when the tendency is to blame the victim x

08/06/2025

Relational trauma means the trauma happened within the context of an unhealthy relationship, with another person or group of people. When these relationships have a power imbalance & are with people who are important to us, it can leave wounds that are difficult to heal.
Relational trauma can impact our self esteem & ability to have meaningful relationships as we struggle with trust & fears around intimacy. If the trauma happened in the context of relationships then relationships become tricky to navigate!
We want relationships that are safe, we want to find someone we can share our deepest thoughts, feelings & fears with.
Relational trauma can make it difficult to form & maintain healthy relationships.
We may avoid intimacy & closeness. Struggle with intense fears of abandonment. Or we may feel the only way we can be in a relationship is to neglect & abandon ourselves & put the needs of others first. Having needs in a relationship can feel dangerous so we may be completely self sufficient.
These patters can repeat over & over in relationships leaving us wondering how we find the same type of people, what is wrong with us or avoiding relationships believing we are faulty.
We can begin by unpacking how our past relationships have impacted our lives. There can be unconscious need to repeat our unhealed trauma, hoping for a different result. Bringing awareness to this without being consumed by it, can help us understand how past wounds are shaping our present.
How we were shown love & affection will continue to influence our choices in partners in adulthood. Love & pain can become linked & confused, so we also need to understand how our story lives in our body. The physical sensations & feelings that come with relational trauma, not just the words. To heal & release from the burden of relational trauma is a full body experience x

03/06/2025

Chronic, ongoing, prolonged, repeated trauma develops into a form of post traumatic stress disorder that impacts our sense of self. It is known as complex post traumatic stress disorder or C-PTSD.
And if the chronic abuse & neglect began in childhood, the body remembers. Decades later that toxic emotional stress can cause inflammation, autoimmune disease & a challenging variety of health hurdles. Our early stories shape our biology.
The adversity does not have to be ‘severe’ in order to create deep changes in our biology. The daily reality of living with a parent who puts you down, humiliates you or ignores you is deeply hurtful.
Chronic tension between parents, lack of communication or constant bickering in the family are damaging to our developing brain. Being teased all the time, or growing up with a hypercritical, narcissistic, addicted or mentally unwell parent can affect us.
Chronic abuse & neglect play a strong role in the health problems we face today. Creating a sense of safety & healing is anything but linear or simple. It is personal & complicated. It is frustrating & discouraging at times, as issues that you thought were put to rest, reappear again.
It is also the most empowering, intoxicating & freeing journey you can embark upon, it helps if you can accept the shift are gradual. Sometimes it’s a case of two steps forward three steps back. Other times it’s just two steps forward.
And rest.
Until the next steps needed become clear x

31/05/2025

When I ask people what they want, what they like, what they’re passionate about, I notice they find it easier to tell me what they don’t like or don’t want or have zero interest in.
Some of these might sound familiar…
What would you like for dinner?
I don’t want pizza.
Ok, what do you want then?
I don’t care, you choose, anything but pizza.
Thai food?
No I don’t want Thai food either.
So what do you want?
I don’t care.
What do you want to do this weekend?
I don’t care, you choose.
Ok let’s go for a walk!
No I hate going for walks.
Well what would you like to do?
I don’t care, you choose!
Maybe you follow people online who hate the same things you hate?
Or you & your friends bond over things you dislike?
I swear to you, nothing bonds people quicker than a shared enemy or dislike of someone or something!
It is easier to say what we don’t like.
It is harder to work out what we do like & what we are passionate about, what we stand for.
Tim Michin goes on to say “Be pro-stuff, not just anti-stuff”.
Do you define yourself by what you love, what you are passionate about & what you stand for? When you walk into a room what do you want to be known for? Something to consider this weekend x

27/05/2025

Early childhood adversity leaves a mark on our biology.
Inflammation, depression, addiction, disease, chronic pain, relationship issues & what appears to be a never ending list of symptoms & diagnoses.
We pay a physical, emotional & psychological price as a result of childhood adversity. That early emotional trauma has far reaching consequences, more than we every realised.
And it’s not just deep childhood wounds that cause this, it is also the chronic, day to day variety of humiliation & stress that impacts us just as much.
The past does impact the present, it can tear you down & it can also be a push for growth.
Early childhood experiences can be very powerful, many of us (including myself at the beginning of my own journey to being a trauma informed psychologist) may struggle to believe that what happened a long time ago can be shaping our health & relationships today.
Many of us also don’t want to open up a Pandora’s box of memories. Because seeing the connection between the past & the present does take a bit of time. It is worth it though.
Understanding our past, making sense of our story, opens us to a life aligned with who we really are. Rather than just repeating the same patterns over & over wondering how we got here.
When you look in the mirror, see the eyes of the child you once were, the child that is still in there.
We can all embark on a quest to love, to heal, to become wiser, better, stronger for that child we once were x

21/05/2025

Saying ‘no’ is not easy, any time we say no we worry!
Are we being selfish or bad?
Will the person get upset with us?
Leave us?
Stop loving us?
And on top of it all, saying ‘no’ will be followed by unpleasant feelings of guilt.
As kids we learn to say NO before we learn to say yes! It’s why it’s called the terrible two’s! It’s actually a perfectly natural & healthy part of human development.
Kids have 2 needs:
Attachment - we are born helpless & depend on our caregivers to look after us. We want to be close to our parents and be taken care of. It is the most powerful drive because without it, we won’t survive.
But we also have a need for Authenticity, to be ourselves. It’s that gut feeling we all have. It shapes our likes, our dislikes, who we are as a person. It is our authentic Self.
But here’s where things get tricky.
Some us of got the message if we didn’t put the needs & wishes of the parents first, then we would lose their love & acceptance.
If that message was consistent, we learn to choose: Be authentic & risk being rejected or do as the parent wants & be loved.
So we give up our authenticity for attachment. It’s in service of our survival. We learn to suppress ourselves in order to be loved & accepted.
What started in childhood follows us for the rest of our lives, long past its useful date. And guilt is the glue that keeps it all going. Guilt & fear has us saying ‘yes’ when we really want to say NO.

People won’t like it when you first start saying no. There will be consequences to making a shift from yes to no. It’s ok to go slow. We can begin by just bringing awareness to what happens for us every time we give up what we really want to say or do for attachment x

13/05/2025

I realised a while ago that it doesn’t matter if its the workplace or a romantic relationship, a friendship or a family!
The same rules apply.
An abuse of power is at the root of psychological trauma. It is when the will of one person is imposed upon the other that we see suffering.
These concepts of domination & subordination can be applied to any system in our culture. It is not just a personal or individual problem but also a social & political one. Dynamics of domination & control that exist in society, are the same as those that we find within every day families, friendships & workplaces.
The rules of tyranny are about domination & power. The goal is to enforce obedience & control over others, while not being held to accountability.
If the rules for tyranny are about unfairness & injustice, then it makes sense that rules for equality & mutuality in relationships would be about fairness & justice.
Healthy relationships are be based on cooperation, fairness & respect rather than power & control.
A sense of fairness, where everyone has the same rules is important for building a strong foundation in any relationship.
While there is no perfect system or perfect relationship. Perhaps look at the key areas of your life and ask which rules are being followed here? Is there fairness & equality or does it feel like it is more about control & power x

09/05/2025

What if there were no restrictions on you?
What would you be doing right now?
If you didn’t feel guilty, selfish or scared, what would your days look like?
If thoughts of how dare you?! And who do you think you are were banished.
If you didn’t have a fear of failing, fear of drawing attention to yourself.
What goals might you be working towards?
I would often catch myself frozen, scared to move, standing around waiting in case someone needed something. I had dreams & goals that I was going to get around to & flesh out… ‘one day’.
Samuel Beckett’s ‘Waiting for Godot’ kept playing over in my mind! The main characters are waiting for Godot, paralysed from taking any action, kept stuck by hope that any minute Godot will arrive. Spoiler: Godot never arrives.
We need to really become aware of what our real & perceived barriers are that keep us from having dreams & goals for ourselves. Barriers won’t just disappear one day & our dreams will then magically happen.
I didn’t realise I was terrified that if I did anything for myself, I would lose people because it meant I was selfish! It suited others for me to have NO dreams or goals. It was a case of ‘how dare you be a YOU & think you can exist separate from me’!
I thought I was being a perfectionist or procrastinating or just lazy. I would beat myself up. I didn’t realise that what was stopping me was a visceral feeling of how dare you be so selfish! Having goals felt dangerous to me.
Giving voice to our Self & finding what gives us meaning & purpose is important.
Vision boards are great for this!
When we start taking steps to actualise our dreams & goals, we also begin to understand our resistance. It might surprise you to realise what is really holding you back x

Seaside Holistic Psychology

06/09/2025

24/07/2025

21/06/2025

14/06/2025

10/06/2025

08/06/2025

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