18/05/2025
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The truth is, I'm hurting. Every moment of every day. The smile you see in this picture is courage. I'm smiling because I have to for my children and because deep down I know one day Jesus will make all things new. But, my ache doesn't go away. On December 31 at 11:45 p.m. Jon was working (because that's what you do when you have a special needs child who requires around the clock care) and stepped into a hole loading materials in his truck and broke his leg. He drove himself to the hospital while I stayed behind with the children. The next morning we stared at one another in disbelief. Our worst fear had become a reality-Jon was no longer able to care for our autistic son Jude. That day I reached out to our attendants to help me and I sent most of our children to be with friends while I came up with a plan. Jude did well for most of the day but by late afternoon, a sharp mood swing put me up against the wall with bruises and scratch marks. My son isn't cruel. He is sick. His mind is imprisoned by his autism and he cannot be held responsible for his actions, no matter what you think you know about autism spectrum disorder. I love my son and know that deep down he loves me. I know his heart is pure and his actions are not fueled by hate or sadistic premeditated thoughts. We saw this coming for a long time. It was becoming more difficult for Jon to hold him back when a rage hit so we reached out to Community Health Core over a year ago for guidance. After mounds of paperwork, multiple meetings, tears and fervent prayers, Jon and I made plans to request Jude's admittance into the Lufkin State Supported Living Center. We attempted and exhausted every possible scenario before moving forward on this. On January 30, we received Jude's admit day for February 8, the day after his 13th birthday. However, by the end of the day on January 1, we knew we had to find an emergency placement. So, with the help of two beautiful people, I loaded Jude up in our van and drove him to the Terrell State Hospital. We arrived late in the evening and all I could say through tears to the guards at the entrance was "I need to get help for my son." After a couple of hours of paperwork, evaluation and waiting, Jude was admitted. I peeled his fingers from my hand and told him that I would be back to get him. I wept as soon as I was out of his sight. Driving away, I hated life and felt relief all at once. Knowing Jude was safe brought me peace but leaving him behind left the biggest hole I’ve ever felt in my existence. Because our God is so good, Jon and I were able to see him this week. I wish I could say that it brought me comfort. It didn't. We left weeping and rode most of the drive home in silence. Honestly, I don't have happy news to tell you about this situation in terms of an earthly perspective. There is no guarantee that Jude will be able to come home and live with us again. That's heavy and that's what we're carrying right now as parents. The only good news I can share with you today is actually the greatest news that I could ever share with you. Jesus is going to make all things new. One day, there will be no more autism. No more need for mental institutions. No more sickness, isolation or feelings of despair. Jesus is going to fix ALL of this. He died upon the cross because sin RUINED everything. He gave His life so there could be a happy ending for those who believe in Him. As much as I’d like to tell you that there’s a happy ending for everyone, I can’t. You must hold on to Christ as your Savior for that happy ending. There is no other hope outside of Him.
It took me a while to let the world into what we have been facing these last few years and you can imagine why. It seems like the more honest I am, the more vulnerable our family becomes. We have had three (now dismissed) CPS cases after divulging information in confidence to others to get help for our son. This is why most people like us suffer in silence. But, I feel that now is the time. Because, many of you are in dark times too and you feel alone. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone and there is hope. If I can’t point you to Jesus through my grief, my suffering has been in vain. As a follower of Christ, I have purpose and good intertwined in ALL of my hardship. So, Jon and I have decided to take you on this journey with us. We know we are subjecting ourselves to potential criticism and hurtful comments, but the weight of eternity overrides that inconvenience.
As for the most recent update on our precious son, his unit has been placed into quarantine and we cannot see him. This is torture for us and we ask for your prayers. We get to call him nightly but he cannot say much to us verbally. We ask him yes or no questions, sing “Nothing But the Blood” and daddy prays for him. The Lufkin SSLC has suspended all admits due to a Covid outbreak but we are praying that that will be lifted before February 8. Once he is there, we can bring him home as much as we want for up to 14 days at a time. There will be more opportunities for us to physically engage with him there and he will be a part of a behavior program that will hopefully get his aggression under control.
Again, we ask for your prayers during this time. May God be glorified through it all.
