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Saskia Rose Carr, Sydney (2025)

17/10/2023

Research shows that people tend to feel more safe and satisfied when they are in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style.

And the intensity of our anxious attachment is deeply impacted by the partner that we choose to be with.

When your need for closeness in a relationship is met with the other person's need for independence and distance, it can heighten the fear of rejection and abandonment.

For example, I know that if I was in a relationship with someone who was detached and distant it would ramp up my feelings of insecurity and anxiety (even though I would consider myself to be very securely attached in my current relationship).

Being in a relationship with someone who is available, responsive, reassuring and comfortable with closeness was a key step in me healing my anxious attachment style and embodying a more secure attachment style.

Not only will a secure partner help to prevent abandonment wounds being triggered with the same intensity, they will also be more likely to nurture you when this wound gets activated.

This is not to say that an avoidant/anxious partnership is doomed for failure, or that a healthy relationship isn’t possible…

However, because the intimacy needs of anxious and avoidant partners are mismatched (and often conflicting) it can be a challenging mix, and for the relationship to work it will take deep inner work and commitment from BOTH partners to help create a greater sense of security.

Ready to move from from anxious & insecure to secure in your romantic relationships? Join the waitlist for my brand new 6 day FREE training 'Transforming Anxious Attachment' by following the link in my bio.

09/10/2023

And I don’t just mean paying lip service…

Not ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’...

Or brushing them off with a half-hearted ‘I get it…’ (when really you don’t).

I mean truly seeking to understand, and trying to explore and make sense of another person’s feelings and their point of view, without dismissing them and without judgement.

This is of course easier said than done, especially when we are feeling angry, hurt or triggered!

Sometimes the idea of deeply listening, and being open to understanding a reaction (that we wouldn’t have) or an emotion (that we feel we wouldn’t experience in a similar situation) can feel really hard to get our heads around.

But in doing so we are able to reduce feelings of separation and division, and it creates a sense of unity and shared understanding.

It allows us to see through the eyes of our partner who we might be feeling some distance from, and learn more about them.

It gives us the opportunity to reconnect with our hearts and to a sense of empathy, which often gets hijacked when we are stuck in judgement, fear, anger and hurt.

What would shift in your relationship if you were able to explore your partner’s experience with more curiosity and compassion?

08/10/2023

If you loved me you’d…

“Know how I was feeling and what I need without me having to say anything"
“Cancel the night out with your friends”
“Drop what you were doing, and answer my call straight away”
"Never have any disagreements or conflicts with me”
"Always prioritise me above everything else"

For the anxiously attached, seeking proof of their partner's love might involve trying to ‘test’ their commitment and loyalty.

For example, they might intentionally try to create distance by not initiating contact or pull away emotionally, to see if their partner will actively pursue them or express their love and concern.

Or they might try to make their partner jealous, to see how they react.

And whilst there is nothing wrong with seeking reassurance, sometimes the desire for confirmation and hard evidence can mean that we engage in game playing and behaviours that lead to disconnection with our partner (rather than the connection we are actually seeking).

Testing your partner's love can create unnecessary tension and actually heighten feelings of insecurity within the relationship. And it isn’t a direct and open means of communication.

Instead of trying to test them, try talking to your partner openly about your feelings of insecurity and anxiety.

Perhaps there are underlying insecurities or past experiences that are contributing to this behaviour that you could share with your partner so they have a better understanding of what is coming up for you.

I know how scary this can feel, but this type of vulnerable communication sets the foundation for a strong and long-lasting partnership, and will get you closer to the deep and emotionally connected relationship that you desire.

04/10/2023

This is why the partner we choose is so important!

If you have an anxious attachment style and have a deep fear of abandonment that has stemmed from your past experiences (in childhood and in previous relationships) it’s so important to choose a partner who makes you feel safe.

Finding a secure partner can help prevent abandonment wounds being triggered with the same intensity. That’s not to say that it won’t happen, but a stable partner will be able to reassure you and help support you through these intense feelings and fears when they arise.

A secure partner will help to pacify you when this wound gets activated, whilst an emotionally unavailable, ungrounded and unpredictable partner will act like fuel for the fire of fear and inadequacy.

However, what we know from the research is that people with an anxious attachment style are often drawn to people with an avoidant attachment style who tend to push them away and want to keep their distance.

But why?!

There are a couple of reasons for this.

Firstly, if you have a core belief that people are going to abandon/leave you then choosing a partner who is unable to fulfil your needs for intimacy & availability might feel familiar (and we often choose the familiar even when it doesn’t serve us, or when rationally we know that it is unhealthy) and also confirm your deep-held beliefs about how people treat you in relationships.

Secondly, you might equate the feelings of anxiety and obsession with this person and the relationship with passion.

But don’t confuse anxiety for love.

It is so important to choose a partner who doesn’t constantly intensify your deep-rooted negative beliefs about yourself or others.

A secure partner is consistent, reliable and reassuring, and they are comfortable with closeness & commitment. And for someone with anxious attachment, this can be such a healing force!

14/09/2023

This is such a common misconception…

How many times have you heard someone say:

“If we live together, we'll be able to spend more quality time together and that will solve our problems."

"Getting married will make us more committed to each other, and it will make our relationship so much stronger"

"Having a baby will bring us closer and help us focus on something positive together."

Taking any of these steps with the expectation that they will magically solve your relationship issues, is a recipe for disappointment and unhappiness.

Just because you get married or move in together doesn’t mean your partner is all of a sudden going to morph into someone new or change their personality.

It doesn’t mean that the constant fights will miraculously stop, or that your communication and connection will miraculously improve.

Or that you will suddenly feel more valued, seen and understood.

And having a child together (whilst beautiful and amazing!) can put a huge strain on the relationship. In fact, the vast majority of parents report that they are less satisfied with their relationship after they have kids than they were before.

The answer here is to be proactive about issues in your relationship early, without waiting and hoping that something external to you will create positive shifts.

Dr. John Gottman’s research reveals that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help. Just think about this for a moment. Six years is a long time for resentment, frustration and unresolved problems to fester for!

It’s so easy to get caught in this trap - but sweeping things under the carpet and waiting until things are really bad before you address them is likely just to prolong conflict and make it messier and harder to deal with in the long-term.

If challenging relationship patterns are identified and addressed early, couples can begin to explore strategies to deepen and maintain their emotional connection and work out ways to effectively deal with their differences without waiting for something outside of them to ‘fix’ the issues within their relationship.

06/09/2023

I know what you're thinking...

Yes - it’s true that we commonly judge ourselves much more harshly than we judge others, and that we can be highly self-critical *and* still see the good in others.

But at the same time, when we are hyper-focused on our faults, hold ourselves to incredibly high standards & expect ourselves never to make a mistake, it’s hard not to apply at least some of these unrealistic standards to those around us.

I remember having this realisation on my journey to heal my relationship with food and my body. Overtime I realised that the less I judged my own body, the less I judged other people’s bodies.
⠀
The same is true in our relationships. If harsh criticism & judgement constantly shows up in your relationship to yourself, you might notice this creeping into the way you view you partner too.

Maybe it looks like always focusing on their faults & what is going wrong in your relationship, rather than focusing of what is going right.

Or it could look like not giving them the benefit of the doubt and nit-picking at all the little things that annoy you or that they’re doing wrong.

Starting to become more self-compassionate (even when you’ve failed or made a huge mistake) creates the foundation for a more accepting and positive view of other people in your life too. When you are kind rather than judgmental about your own flaws & mistakes, you are more likely to extend the same grace to others.

A 2012 study by Kristin Neff showed that the degree to which a person is self-compassionate predicts how caring, accepting and supportive that person is of a romantic partner.

People who described themselves as self-compassionate tended to be described as being much more affectionate, intimate and accepting in their relationships.

In contrast, those with lower levels of self-compassion were described by partners as being significantly more controlling, detached & critical.

What are your thoughts on this? I would love to hear your reflections in the comments.

06/09/2023

Can you relate?

You yearn for connection and a long-lasting partnership, but feel afraid of losing whatever relationship you’re in.

It leaves you feeling panicky and overwhelmed.

You desire a deep, secure and stable connection…

But the truth is, you obsess over every relationship you're in, and you’re constantly observing & analysing your partner's mood and energy for indications that something is wrong.

Your mind goes back & forth incessantly, and you find yourself constantly catastrophising and second guessing yourself and the relationship…

"They haven't texted back. Are they angry at me?”
"Are they in a bad mood because of me?"
“If I was different they would love me more”
"Maybe I’m just not good enough for them"
"What if they’re not interested in me anymore?"

You often find yourself googling ‘why does my partner [do this or that]’, searching for answers about why they behave the way they do & what it might MEAN.

And often the people you attract are emotionally unavailable, which of course triggers a deep seated fear of abandonment and heightens the feelings of anxiety & insecurity even further.

You feel like there is something wrong with you & you wonder if you’ll ever be able to find the right person or feel safe in a relationship.

I want you to know that you are not broken. Feeling insecure in your relationships is not something that is set in stone. An anxious attachment style is a malleable tendency that can change & shift over your lifetime, and it is absolutely possible to heal your past wounds, patterns & beliefs and become more secure in your relationships.

I know, as I have done it! When I first met my partner I was riddled with anxiety & insecurity, and yet 24 years on we still have a deeply connected and thriving partnership that I feel so safe in.

Healing involves finding an understanding partner who supports you to feel calm & safe, learning how to soothe yourself and regulate your own nervous system, and reprogramming your thoughts, beliefs & fears about yourself, your partner and relationships.

If you want become more secure in your relationships DM me 'SECURE' to set up a free Anxious to Secure Relationships Roadmap Call.

06/09/2023

Emotionally safe people are emotionally available.

But what is emotional safety?

Emotional safety means that you have a partner that you can count on, and who is connected & responsive.

You know that they value you and that you deeply matter to them.

This sense of security is not merely the absence of fear - it is the presence of trust, empathy, and acceptance.

It's the feeling of being seen, heard and ‘got’ by another human.

In this space, you are able to share your innermost fears & dreams, knowing that these will be held gently and lovingly.

It's the knowledge that your pain will be met with compassion, and your joy celebrated.

This sense of safety allows you to explore the the full spectrum of your emotions, and to heal wounds you may not have even known existed.

In the presence of emotional safety, vulnerability is not a weakness - it’s a superpower.

This is not to say that an emotionally safe relationship is perfect. No relationship is perfect - there will be ups and downs and it will still require work & attention. But emotional safety helps to support healthy conflict, and allows for effective communication, understanding and forgiveness.

If you feel anxious within relationships, your choice of partner is SO important.

Finding a partner who is emotionally available and that can offer you a sense of emotional safety is life-changing. And if they can’t provide that to you now (because of their own history or trauma), make sure they are committed & willing to do the inner work to create the type of relationship you are searching for.

05/09/2023

Things left unsaid start to fester…

The dishes left piling up in the sink.

Too much time spent scrolling social media instead of connecting.

Waiting for them to come home without a call or a text.

The off-handed critical remarks.

The big decision that they made without talking it through with you first.

Not feeling like you are a priority.

But instead of saying something early, you wait…

You start to harbour resentment towards your partner, and overtime the irritation, tension and frustration grows, eroding the emotional connection between you.

And when you do finally decide to say something, you find it difficult to calmly and effectively communicate and often explode because you feel so angry, unseen and unheard.

The solution to this is to communicate early and consistently.

Addressing concerns and resolving issues as they arise prevents them from escalating into more significant problems.

Not only does early intervention help lead to quicker resolutions and less emotional distress, it also allows you to express your desires, needs, and vulnerabilities to your partner, which can lead to a deeper, more resilient connection.

What is something that you’ve been waiting to say, that you could share before it becomes a much bigger issue?

04/09/2023

Choosing calm & security over drama in love has been one of my greatest relationship secrets.

I remember hearing people say they *needed* drama to keep things interesting, but let me tell you, peace and stability do not have to mean boring!

Calm relationships can be passionate, fun, and exhilarating! They offer trust & emotional security, and feel soothing for your nervous system (something that we all need more of in our lives!).

Of course it makes sense that if you've been used to chaos in your past relationships, calmness may feel strange & unfamiliar and you may equate turmoil with passion. Our brains crave patterns, even if they're not healthy.

I invite you to reflect on these questions:
Do I really want drama, or do I want a thriving & connected relationship that brings me peace and joy?
Is there actually something missing in this relationship, or am I simply resisting peace because it feels new and different?
How can I redefine excitement and passion within a stable partnership?

04/09/2023

I want you to think about secure attachment as something that is innate…

We come into the world possessing a fully operational attachment system and a foundation of security. As babies, our cries are our signal to express our needs and connect with our caregivers.

However, due to our early interactions & misattunement with our caregivers (and other challenging relational experiences over our lifetime), this inherent security can become obscured and buried beneath layers of insecurity.

So it's not necessarily about "becoming secure" – it's more about returning to and reconnecting to a sense of safety and security that has always been our birthright.

Dianne Poole Heller states: “No matter how unattainable it seems, secure attachment is always there, just waiting to be uncovered, recalled, accessed and expressed.”

Secure attachment doesn't require you to become something entirely new - rather it's about unlearning the responses formed by trauma, reprogramming insecure thoughts, feelings and actions and healing core wounds (such as abandonment & rejection).

At the heart of secure attachment is the art of attunement – the skill of tuning into and understanding your partner's thoughts, feelings & needs. 🤝⁣

⁣Secure attachment is about trust, safety, and emotional connection. ⁣

✔️Honouring both your own needs and the needs of your partner
✔️ Showing empathy and compassion⁣
✔️ Embracing commitment, intimacy, and openly & vulnerably sharing feelings⁣
✔️Maintaining & respecting healthy boundaries
✔️Being comfortable with closeness & confident with space and independence
✔️Feeling relaxed and calm in your relationship
✔️Feeling comfortable and safe with conflict

Remember, you are not defined by your past experiences, and you have the incredible capacity to rewrite your story.

Regardless of your current attachment style, you have the power to reconnect to your secure attachment system and work towards building healthier and more secure connections in your life.

01/09/2023

And of course if the other person felt comfortable answering it...

"I'd love you to let me know how much I matter to you"
"I'd love you to show me more physical affection"
"I'd love to hear that you appreciate me & value me"
"I'd love for you to share your feelings and emotions more openly"
"I'd love you to show me how important & special I am to you by spending more time with me"
"I'd love you to show me that you cared about me by helping me more"

What do you wish was expressed to you more in your partnership? And how would you like it to be expressed?

Saskia Rose Carr

17/10/2023

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08/10/2023

04/10/2023

14/09/2023

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