29/07/2025
Yesterday you told your toddler not to throw rocks at their sibling and they managed it, but today you give the same instruction and they just keep doing it?!
It can feel confusing (and exhausting) when you think you’ve “taught” something and then it suddenly disappears. But following instructions isn’t just about knowing what to do.
Firstly, for young children especially, executive function skills like memory, processing and impulse control are still developing. Like any developmental skill, progress isn’t linear. Sometimes they can do it, and sometimes they can’t.
Children also test boundaries. Not in a manipulative or defiant way, but because they’re learning what’s predictable, what’s negotiable, and how safe it feels to say no. This kind of “testing” is a natural part of development.
And importantly, capacity fluctuates. Things like tiredness, hunger, emotional overwhelm, sensory input or too many demands can all shrink a child’s window of tolerance, making it harder to hear, process, or act on what’s being asked.
Think of this scenario. One day, your partner says “Let’s take the kids to the zoo!” and you say “Yep let’s do it!” A few weeks later, they say “The zoo was fun, let’s go again today!” and you reply, “I really don’t think I can manage that today”.
Most parents know that feeling. You’re not saying no because you’re trying to be difficult or you forgot the steps involved in going to the zoo, you’re just tired, stressed, or stretched too thin that day. Your capacity has changed, and your partner would probably understand.
It’s the same for kids. Some days they can manage a particular expectation, and other days they can’t.
And this applies to every other skill or behaviour we expect of children. Inconsistency doesn’t mean defiance or regression, it often just means their capacity has shifted.
