Mohamed Rima

28/07/2025

Not only is it normal for couples to fight and disagree, it's necessary. It's necessary so couples can learn from each other and grow closer together.

Healthy relationships go through a cycle of:

1. Harmony: In this stage things are good. There is no build up of stuff swept under the carpet. There is no passive-aggressive insults and remarks. Couples are in sync with each other. Needs are met for the most part. This stage is the most longest for the most of the relationship.

2. Disharmony: Couples disagree and fight. They are out of sync for a short while. There's some disconnection. Hard conversations are had. Each partner feels strongly about their position. Strong emotions are visible. Despite their disagreements and negative feelings you can still see mutual respect in words and body language even if they hurt each other with words. This stage does not drag on. Healthy couples do not give the silent treatment or stonewall. They may take a break for a short while but they return at the next best time to talk about the problem. This stage is not longer or more frequent than the harmony stage. They do occur, frequently even, but they don’t last long.

3. Repair: This is where couples notice the conflict is escalating but they value their relationship and their partner more than winning the fight, so they make repairs to de-escalate the conflict and not make things get out of hand. They don't have a "need to win" fighting style.

Then the cycle repeats making the harmony stage stronger and better.

It's not about not fighting, it's how you fight and disagree that matters. There must not be criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling. Body language must not show disgust and physiology should not be heightened with adrenalin. Breaks should be taken to sooth and return when calm.

The most important stage however is the repair stage. According to research, what distinguishes healthy couples from those who later divorced or remained in dissatisfied relationships was those who make and receive repair attempts. Frequent failed repairs is a big sign contempt has settled in.

Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. A repair attempt is any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.

Repair attempts are hard to recognise during heated conflicts. Emotionally intelligent couples are able to notice when their partner is making a repair attempt and are able to receive them well because the overall health of the relationship is full of positive interactions and they are able to draw from their emotional bank account during times of conflict because their account is not in the rears due to frequent negative interactions. They make more deposits than they do withdrawals. There's a culture of appreciation and respect between the couple.

Repair attempts during conflict can look like:

• "I apologise for X, that was not nice for me to say"
• "I take full responsibility for my actions"
• "I see your point"
• "Can we take a break?"
• "Nice ear rings, they suit you"
• "That's a hectic beard trim you got there"
• A hug
• "Let me take that back and reword that"
• "I'm really messing this up, hey?"
• "You look sexy when you're mad"
• "I love you"
• A mutual joke or an inside funny gesture
Every couple can have their own repair attempts. It's not about the words of the repair attempt but more about knowing when they are made and the intention behind them, to reconnect and de-escalate.

These repair attempts prevent the conflict from escalating and puts them back on track ready to process and have those hard conversations listening to each other's differences and perspectives that lead to taking responsibility and apologising which creates an intimate closeness between the couple.

What do your repair attempts look like? Sit down with your partner and talk about how your repair attempts look like and agree to accept them when made.

Note: this advice is not intended for abusive relationships or family and domestic violence situations.

27/07/2025

There’s a new wave of misleading bu****it harmful relationship advice circulating online. Influencers with no training or background in relationship science where one day they’re religious scholars, the next day they're personal trainers, and other days they are selling shilajit are pushing the idea that for a relationship to work, one partner must love the other more. Men are saying women need to love harder. Women are saying men need to love deeper. And both are wrong.

Let’s be clear. The idea that love must be unequal to be sustainable is not only unsupported by research, it’s a distortion of what healthy intimacy actually requires. Relationships thrive not because one person is more invested, but because both are emotionally attuned, secure, and committed to mutual growth.

What matters most is reciprocity. Secure relationships are built on shared vulnerability, emotional safety, and a balanced investment in each other’s wellbeing. When one partner is always chasing and the other is always retreating, it creates an anxious-avoidant dynamic that leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional instability.

Love isn’t a competition. It’s not about measuring who gives more or who feels more. It’s about co-regulation, shared responsibilities, and emotional maturity. The healthiest couples are not keeping score. They’re building trust, practicing empathy, and showing up consistently.

So if someone tells you that one person needs to love more for the relationship to work, ask them for peer-reviewed evidence. Ask them for clinical insight. Ask them for anything beyond recycled TikTok tropes and romanticised dysfunction.

Because real love isn’t about imbalance. It’s about alignment.

And the truth is, the relationships that last aren’t the ones where someone loves more. They’re the ones where both people, quietly and wholeheartedly, believe they got the better end of the deal. They both low-key believe they won the prize. Where gratitude and admiration flows both ways. That’s the kind of love that endures.

25/07/2025

Behaviours that are repeated become habitual over time and eventually become part of your personality, whether good or evil, this is how you will be known by those closest to you first.

Try to desire to do good deeds both in public and at home and long to perform them regularly even if they are small deeds. Over time they will become part of your personality. This is how good character, from an Islamic perspective, is achieved. Good character is not acting pious in front of some people in public spaces and oppressive and total opposite in private. It is also not something you can get over night. It needs to be built up by small deeds often, in all settings of life starting with your household as they are most deserving of the better version of you than anyone else in the world.

22/07/2025

21/07/2025

When power protects oppression and doubt punishes the wounded. When leadership shields the abuser and interrogates the harmed, silence becomes systemic. Many survivors of abuse remain silent not because they lack the courage to speak, but because society still asks the wrong questions. Victim blaming runs deep, turning pain into scrutiny and truth into trial.

21/07/2025

Defensiveness and assigning blame when you're expressing your feelings and needs blocks emotional connection and intimacy and creates a distance that makes you feel emotionally lonely.

20/07/2025

A green flag we don't talk about often.

19/07/2025

We talk so much about chemistry and butterflies.
But the quiet power of love is in the follow-through in being consistent, present, and gentle even when it’s hard.
Feelings can spark connection.
But real love is how we choose to show up, day after day, moment by moment.
Not just when it’s easy.
Especially when it’s not.

16/07/2025

If you are having difficulty in your marriage and finding yourself gridlocked and clashing at every little thing, you can benefit a lot by starting to accept your partner’s influence.

It is mainly husbands who struggle to accept their wife's influence and share power with them. This is not to bash men, women too can be resistant to accepting their husband's influence, but this is to state the overwhelming reality. This is due to the nature of man being the leader and protector of the home, however, there are other factors as well like insecurities, culture, social expectations, and even misunderstanding of religion that can make a husband resist anything and everything wife suggests, in saying this both husbands and wives should work on accepting influence from each other. I know as a man the "locker room" talk of how men boast about not letting their wives have a say or being mocked if a husband says "let me run it by my wife" the standard response is to be called weak or p***y whipped. These unhelpful cultural and societal beliefs are part of what ruin marriages.

The research shows even in bad marriages, wives were already naturally accepting influence even if they were doing so unwillingly, this is why the focus is more on men.

A long-term study showed that men who were not willing to share power with their partner were at 81% chance of divorcing or being in a self-destructing marriage. Whereas those who shared power and were in the habit of accepting influence from their partners were in much happier marriages 9 years later when they followed them up.

Get into the habit of accepting influence from your partner. Those who accept influence from their partner become more influential to their partner. Those who try to force their influence upon their partner and resist influence from them actually end up being what they are trying to avoid, which is being less influential!

This paradox is similar to:

You gotta give a little to get a little.

You gotta be respectful to be respected.

You gotta be trustworthy to be trusted.

Those who share power become more powerful.

Those who accept influence become more influential.

Great leaders aren't dictators. Dictators often get overthrown or replaced once their subjugates gain the power and the means. Same in marriages. Husbands (or wives) who don't share influence out of fear of rejection or losing a sense of control will most likely be rejected and losing their marriages.

A man can still be a Qawwam and accept influence. One doesn't cancel out the other. In fact, it will make him a much better Qawwam. There are many examples of our beloved Prophet ﷺ accepting influence from his wives and his companions.

Accepting influence is really about searching for common ground and taking your partner’s feelings and opinions into consideration. Start looking for ways to say "yes." Look for parts of what your spouse is saying that you are disagreeing about that you can agree with and understand.

Here are some words that demonstrate you are accepting influence:

"Good point."
"I never thought of that before."
"You are starting to persuade me."
"Yeah, I can see that now."
"I can see why you feel this way."
"I wanted your opinion on this."
"I need your advice."
"What do you think about..?"
"Let's go with your idea."
"You make a lot of sense."
"I agree with the part where you said..."
"Tell me more."

Everything in this post is summarised research and years of my own practical experience in private practice, seeing the devastating effects when influence is not accepted. I can say all those I've worked with who divorced had this concept amongst others missing in their marriage. There was an imbalance of too much resistance and opposition on matters that didn't need it. Healthy husbands don't see every single disagreement requiring an executive decision.

16/07/2025

If your spouse and children all agree that you’re often aggressive or passive-aggressive, frequently angry, and difficult to be around, if they dread your arrival because it means unpredictable outbursts and tantrums, harsh criticism, punishment, or barking orders like an angry drill sergeant, then it’s time to stop, acknowledge, and take responsibility for the harm your behaviour is causing. There's a big chance you may well be the problem.

When your household feels that life would be better without you because of your abusive behaviour, it doesn’t matter how popular or well-liked you are outside, what truly matters is how your family sees you, and how safe they feel with you.

It’s never too late to seek help and commit to positive change. There’s no shame in reaching out for support, what’s truly shameful is damaging those you claim to love.

In homes like these, teenagers often count the days until they can leave. Boys may escape into peer groups just to feel a sense of belonging, even when those friendships lead them down risky paths like drugs and gangs. Many girls will latch onto the first man who promises to take them away, even if he’s a walking red flag. Those relationships, too often, end in dysfunction and regret.

15/07/2025

Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. Speak your truth. You're allowed to take up space. There is a type of healing in expressing yourself.

11/07/2025

Social media can make you feel that you are always behind in some way.

Remember, not everything you see on social media is real or true. And you are never one click away to success!

If you want a better quality life, you gotta get up and do the work, and that never happens overnight.

What else can you add?