Bondipsychotherapy

22/10/2022

Human beings, with emotions like many other species, are closer to animals, in the evolutionary biology sense. This is why we still have wars, and domestic violence and yet collaborate and care, to see the complexity of human emotions requires a less narcissistic lens, one that doesn’t elevate human beings above animals but rather is able to comprehend the complexity of emotion from a biological perspective, more in line with nature than we would like to think.

10/04/2022

A calm, harmonious work place full of mature people bringing their best on a daily basis?
At best this exists in our fantasies.
Just like the fantasies we have about our perfect lives, our perfect bodies and our potential perfect relationships.
Most work places have their share of dysfunction just like most individuals, relationships, families and lives.
Work environments are no different to families, they are complex emotional systems.
We can expect there to be a level of anxiety, of conflict, of avoidance and of symptoms.
It’s challenging to live in one of these systems and yet we have no choice if we are human, live in a family or work in an organisation.
From personal and professional experience the best place to start with managing the anxiety is oneself.
Observing when, where, and with whom we get anxious.
Observing where in our bodies we feel the anxiety.
Observing how we can regulate and take responsibility for calming the anxiety.
Observing when we get stuck in blaming a boss or a co-worker for our anxiety.
Shifting the focus back to self, though difficult in the best of circumstances, is paradoxically freeing.
Because we can only control ourselves, not others.

14/03/2022

There is a dance in some families
I worry about you
I hover over you
I scan you
I am convinced there is something wrong with you
I interpret your behaviour as confirming my fear
I treat you as if there is really something wrong with you
This dance is called Child Focus
It’s a parent’s anxious focus on one or more of their children (usually one)
These steps of scanning, diagnosing and treating begin early in the child’s life and continue
The parent’s fears and perceptions so shape the child’s development and behaviour that she grows to embody their fears and perceptions
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy
The work for the parent is to shift the focus back on oneself
To calm one’s own fear
One’s own concern
One’s own anxiety
And to become more objective
To see what is actually happening rather than what one fears is happening or could happen
The likelihood is that the dance that is playing out has played out in the parent’s family too
Maybe the parent was anxiously focused on as a child, or maybe one of their siblings was
It’s a multi-generational process erapy

13/03/2022

I wasn’t loved enough.
I was loved too much.
I was neglected.
I wasn’t heard.
My needs were not net.
She didn’t give me enough space.
He was not emotionally available.
She has anger issues.
He is a narcissist.
Whilst there may be some truth to how we perceive reality, we are wired to see the problem ‘out there’: in our parents, our partners, our children, our bosses, our friends.
And whilst there is some truth in how ‘they’ play a part in the problem between us, the other part of the truth is we ALSO play a part.
It’s a dance. One we may not like.
But as long as we blame the ‘other’ for stepping on our toes or not dancing well enough, we will remain stuck in a blame game.
Stepping out of the blame game means seeing our part in the dance.
Only then will we be free enough to choose to do something differently.
# systems thinking

09/03/2022

It’s easier to see the problem in the other, much harder to take responsibility for one’s part in the dance.

21/02/2022

Try to catch yourself in an interaction with your partner (or family member) when your focus on being right prevents you from working toward a common purpose.
- Adapted from Harriet Lerner’s Marriage Rules

23/01/2022

12/01/2022

It’s easy, when conditions become challenging enough, to narrow our thinking into things no longer being possible, the reality is often we have lost our connection to choice and to perspective. Choice is always available, now.

03/01/2022

There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in …
Happy New Year

23/12/2021

After 3 long and at times painful years today I received my Master of Social Work testamur! Life post-Master has just begun…

17/12/2021

When you think of what impacts your health what do you think of? Having a healthy diet? Exercise? Sleep?
Research shows that people with healthy and supportive relationships live longer and that these effects are surprisingly strong. Our mental state directly impacts biological processes in our body.
When we experience stress our bodies go through a series of changes - output of cortisol increases and our cardiovascular system activates its fight, flight, freeze response. Stress effects the immune system, inflammation increases and our ability to fight off viruses decreases.
Investing in our relationships (marriage, children, family, friends, colleagues, significant others) may be the best and healthiest thing to do!