30/03/2025
Posted • Something I see very often as a therapist is adults who carry a deep fear of getting in trouble, even though they aren’t children anymore. This fear usually doesn’t make a lot of logical sense in the present, which is why so many people feel confused by it. But it makes perfect sense when you look at where it started.
If you grew up in a home where mistakes were met with anger, withdrawal, silence, or shame, your nervous system learned early on that getting it “wrong” wasn’t safe. You learned to associate mistakes with emotional consequences-disappointment, rejection, or being made to feel like a burden. Over time, your system adapted. You became cautious. You learned how to avoid conflict, stay small, and stay out of trouble.
Now, even though you have more control over your life, that fear is still in your body. It gets activated in moments that seem harmless on the surface, but your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between then and now.
Tips-
Start by noticing when this fear shows up. Awareness is the first step to interrupting the old pattern.
Remind yourself that you’re not in the same environment anymore. You’re allowed to take up space, make mistakes, and be human.
Give yourself the reassurance you needed back then. Even just saying to yourself, “I’m not in trouble. I didn’t do anything wrong,” can be calming in the moment.
Get curious instead of critical. Ask, “What does this part of me need right now?” instead of pushing it away.
For parents who are unsure how to address mistakes without being too harsh or too lenient, when a child makes a mistake, the most important thing you can do is stay connected. That doesn’t mean ignoring the behaviour, it means addressing it without shaming them. Mistakes are an opportunity to teach, not to punish. Speak to them calmly, help them understand what went wrong, and remind them that they’re still loved, even when they mess up. That’s how you build a secure attachment, by showing them that their worth isn’t tied to being perfect.
