Kardinya Counselling

Kardinya Counselling Marriage, Relationship and Discernment Counselling. Unlike many others, we truly specialise in marriage & relationship counselling, that's what we do.

Welcome to Kardinya Counselling a caring and understanding marriage counselling service for the Werribee, Hoppers Crossing & Point Cook areas located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. Whether it's about trying to work out if you want to stay in a relationship or stay and make a better one, we can help. For more information, please call Andrew on 0412 102 562 or check out his blog at www.courageousrelationships.org.

26/06/2023

An authentic apology is a critical part of repairing the hurt you have caused your partner. However, simply saying, “I’m sorry,” doesn’t mean you’ve properly apologized.

To offer an apology that will reassure your partner, make sure you’re doing the following:

Rapidly address the issue: The sooner you repair this, the less likely it will form a long-term memory and cause future problems.

Be fully present: Remove all distractions. Maintain eye contact with your partner so you can see how they are receiving your words. If you notice something is wrong, stop everything and tend to their pain.

Actively listen: Give your partner the space to share their feelings. Repeat what you think they are saying. Ensure that you fully understand them.

Be specific: Instead of a generic "I'm sorry," apologize for the exact action or behavior that caused your partner pain.

Own your mistake: Take full responsibility. Avoid shifting back to your partner by saying things like, "I'm sorry you felt that way."

Don’t explain your intentions: Your reasons behind the action aren't as important as the impact it had on your partner. Apologize for your behavior, don’t justify it.

Keep these steps in mind the next time you have to apologize. The better you become at sincerely apologizing, the safer you both will feel in your relationship.

06/12/2022

Your brain was wired for war. It was built to rapidly respond to threats and stay alert to any potential dangers. It’s great at picking up dangerous sounds, gestures, movements, facial expressions, and more.
All of this is excellent for survival, but it can make your relationships difficult if you’re not mindful of how your brain works.

27/09/2022

You don’t have to agree with your partner at all times (it’s a guarantee that you won’t), but you will be wise to have their back in front of others.

Disagreeing with them in front of others can make your partner feel betrayed or even feel threatened. You can protect the security of your relationship by publicly backing them up and privately letting them know how you really feel. Plus, they will be more receptive to hearing your point of view if you share it with them this way.

12/07/2022

Island (anxious-avoidant) partners find dependency – their own and others – a central issue in relationships. They tend to distance and have a “do-it-myself” orientation.

Islands fear having their autonomy taken from them. They fear having their sense of freedom and mobility taken from them. This comes from an experience of feeling used or exploited in childhood. In families where there’s a strong emphasis on the self, importance is placed on performance, appearance, regard, money, power, beauty, and intelligence.

NOTE: Attachment styles are not fixed personalities. This is simply a memory system that anticipates threat. It’s flexible. You might be between styles or find that you behave more like an island in certain relationships and a wave in others.

It’s important to learn your attachment styles so you can better be with the partner you picked. Any attachment style can form a secure-functioning relationship with this knowledge.

If you know how one another reacts under stress, you’ll be better able to prevent problems and care for each other when they occur. Without this knowledge, you could compound an issue by behaving in ways that amplify each other’s fears.

Anchors and Waves: stay tuned, you're up soon!

22/06/2022

When you are in distress, you lose the capacity to think using the higher-cortical areas of your brain. This makes it more difficult to think rationally and effectively process information.

If you are saying too much in an argument, and your partner is not fully resourced because they are upset, it will be difficult for them to follow what you’re saying.

That alone will make them more upset.

This is why you want to keep what you’re saying short and have a good back and forth. If one of you holds the stage for too long, you’re in trouble.

10/05/2022

Just because you have problems, does not mean you’re with the wrong person.

Your issues likely stem from not knowing how to handle each other yet. That’s something you can learn – and as you do you’ll find that you picked the person you’re with because something about them was familiar to you.

We pair-bond with people we recognize. They either share parts of ourselves or the people we grew up around. You chose your partner for a good reason. You just need to learn how to be with them specifically.

Commit to becoming experts on all aspects of each other, including your attachment styles, fears, sensitivities, joys, passions, and values. The more you learn about each other, the better you will be able to manage each other and navigate problems together.

09/04/2022

We have to acknowledge that for as loving and kind as we can be, we can also be negative, reactive, and selfish. Our brains are wired for survival. That bent towards self-preservation is great in the wild but can work against us in our relationships.

The best way to prepare for this is to come up with “Shared Principles of Governance” with your partner. These principles are agreements that will act as guardrails for when you slip.

When one of you makes a mistake, you can be reminded of the agreement, and quickly repair the problem. Without a prior agreement, you can easily fall into an argument over who is “right” and who is “wrong.” You’ll be much better served if you work these issues out ahead of time when you’re both feeling calm.

16/03/2022

Take care of your needs as a couple before the needs of others. This isn’t about being selfish or neglecting your friends and family. It’s simply about ensuring that your primary relationship is safe and secure.

Having that relationship be secure will give you the bandwidth you need to strengthen other relationships in your life. It will allow you to feel more at ease, which will help those around you to feel the same.

14/03/2022

Communicating well means being collaborative, responsive, and ensuring what you are saying is clear enough to be easily understood. Pay close attention to:

1. The Quality of your speech. Are you telling the truth? Are you withholding information or lying?

2. Quantity. Are you telling too much or too little? Too little information will leave your partner trying to fill in the blanks. Too much information and you become uncollaborative and hard to follow.

3. Relevance. Are you speaking on-topic or becoming tangential?

4. Manner. Are you making sense? Are you taking care to properly explain or introduce the people/places/things/concepts that you bring up?

Communication is hard. We are misunderstanding each other most of the time. Putting in the extra effort to be mindful about these aspects of your speech will always be worth it, especially if you’re talking about difficult issues.

16/02/2022

Keep your texts positive. Aside from how difficult it is to read tone in texts, it’s impossible to emotionally regulate each other if you are not face-to-face. You can keep each other regulated with eye contact, touch, and your vocal tone.

When you are texting back and forth, you won’t be able to catch mistakes and repair them quickly. This will cause avoidable problems.

Don’t even imply to your partner through texts that you want to have a difficult conversation with them. The brain runs negative, so as soon as they see, “We need to talk,” their brain will be running wild with negative predictions. This will elevate their threat levels, so by the time you see each other, you could be just one wrong word away from a big fight.

Save it for when you are face-to-face.

25/01/2022

If you’ve messed up, “I’m sorry,” won’t repair the problem on its own. A meaningful apology requires attention, specificity, and full ownership of the mistake.

25/11/2021

Having an agreement with your partner to be available to each other at all times can make you both feel more secure.

You’re not going to be reachable 24/7/365 – that’s completely understandable and beside the point.

The point is that you are agreeing to be receptive to your partner whenever they seek you out for help with their anxiety, stress, or just the need to talk. If they call when you are in the middle of a work presentation, they can feel assured knowing you will call them back as soon as you are able.
When you both feel you can rely on each other no matter what, you will help each other thrive in all areas of life.

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Werribee, VIC
3030

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