The Art of Anxiety

The Art of Anxiety I have set up this page so people can come together and talk about their depression and anxiety. Hopefully we will be able to help one another

Just here to blog and create/find uplifting quotes to help us through our dark times.

17/01/2023

7 whole days Mirtazapine 15MG free! I did a shift with my agency at the weekend and it turns out in the world of support work this tablet is usually seen as a controlled drug?? You learn something new everyday.
Anyway - I’ve been feeling my emotions more and more - I’ve been thinking and trying to be more positive within my mindset. Sometimes my emotions are really good, other times I’ve wanted too and have just cried over the stupidest thing, which to others probably doesn’t matter or isn’t that important, but to me it is huge.
I’ve been dreaming a hell of a lot - Traveling to different parts of my life and amending it and telling my younger self how beautiful and how amazing she is, I’ve really missed these positive dreams, I could sleep forever to have more.
The eating has unfortunately decreased - But then again I have been super busy, organising my workload, walking my dog, I just generally haven’t had ‘time’ to eat, I probably have had ’time’ but the subject and meaning of time is for a different post I think.
This evening I have had dinner, and prepped sandwiches for lunch, so I am making a conscious effort to try and eat tomorrow.
I’m taking each day as they come, and sometimes that’s the best we can do.
🖤🖤🖤🖤

14/01/2023

4 days Mirtazapine free. I’m beginning to feel more normalised, actually feeling my emotions - It hasn’t taken long really 4 days is nothing - Compared to some people who are on antidepressants for years and years. I’m practicing self healing, self care and self love. It’s difficult to look in the mirror and be ok with who is looking back, but I try to give myself one compliment at least. My work definitely helps and that’s where I’m most confident and I take the lead in the most difficult situations- I’m working on being able to apply these methods into my own life and not just my work life. I’m literally taking one day at a time. And that’s okay. 🖤

10/01/2023

Happy new year, let’s hope 2023 brings us all happiness, joy and allows us to let go of what was.
12 long whole weeks of my medication Mirtazapine 15MG this week.
I have been on one hell of a rollercoaster since October last year, forgiving and forgetting court, moving onto different jobs just to be pushed out, finding myself again which is never easy.
I have made the decision to keep up together with this page, especially this year. I have made the decision to spend this year going away with my friends and my family, and this year is going to be mine! I have bagged my dream job, I have begun to learn how to love myself again, and allowed the healing to begin! It is a painful, sometimes very emotional feeling.
I have decided to come away from the medication, this time is now mine. I mean yeah I get anxious everyday, that’s who I am. Some days I get to the point my body is shaking uncontrollably and I end up dropping every item I pick up, whether that be a hair grip or my phone. I still get and feel this way even on my medication - So what’s the difference if I’m not taking it 🤔 I still over analyse my life, my situation, my decisions. The only thing that has improved is my ability to sleep and eat (Those were the original reasons I got put on it in the first place) BUT…. I AM and I WILL make a conscious effort to CARRY ON eating and practice my meditation and my relaxation to be able to get a better nights sleep. I can do this because I am me.
I can breathe for the first time and I am able to relax… And with the right support around me…. I think I’m going to be OK.
I will keep up the progress and see how it goes 😊
🖤⭐️🖤

09/11/2022

3 weeks I’ve been on my new medication, Mirtazapine 15MG. It’s been a mixture of emotions, happy, sad, up, down. Comfortable not comfortable. Eating not eating… But then I was introduced to these tablets. I have been more focused, I have more drive, I’ve had more energy, feeling better about myself in the aspect of I DO deserve to be loved, I DO deserve to be fed and I DO deserve to be watered - I DO deserve to exist. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies, I know that we have our s**t days… Like yesterday for example. I work with challenging behaviours and some support staff just won’t be told when to STOP. Anyway it ended up with me being hit as a result, and it’s such a shame because the relationship I have with this particular person who I support is bullet proof. It’s a shame it’s been set back because of another support staffs stupid fu***ng decisions. Anyway I like to stay positive.. So I’ll carry on with my shifts there until I start my new job. In the meantime I wrote a poem to get some of my feelings out after yesterday’s shift. I’ve named it ‘Demands.’

Do not place demands on me, when I am angry,
You’ll be disappointed when I, just stare you blankly.
When I don’t listen to your demands, somehow it becomes my fault?
Your constant repetition you’ll see, results with the ending of an assault.
Then you’ll be feeling left overwhelmed,
Which leaves your support for me, being withheld.
Do not place demands on me, when I am upset,
Because if I lash out, it’ll be something you’ll regret.
Our relationship is bonded, and it is strong,
So I do not see that I am doing anything wrong.
I can be left feeling lonely and frustrated,
Those demands you placed on me, they could have just waited.
We’re not in a rush, we have all day? The way you support me, results in the behaviours I will display.
Do not place demands on me, that are unrealistic,
Because as my support staff, you have to remember… I am autistic.
🖤🖤🖤

24/10/2022

Seven whole days on my new medication Mirtazapine. 15MG. I have been sleeping a lot better (in fact the tablet just wipes me out, almost like a sedation effect) I have been eating 3 times a day (which was the main reason my GP put me on this particular medication) and just generally feeling more boosted. I have joined an online mental health forum where I can rant and express myself, I have been participating in workshops through IAPT and just generally getting on with life. Don’t get me wrong, I feel I still have a long way to go yet, I still feel down - Well today was the first time I’d felt down since starting this medication, and I think that was a mixture of overthinking work commitments and just feeling like I was having the p**s taken out of me. But my employer has sorted it like they always do, they have my back 🥰 For which I am extremely lucky!!
So now is just taking each day as it comes, I didn’t get p**sed over the weekend as this medication states on the box no alcohol, yea I had a few beers but nothing mental like I usually do. And it felt so good to get up and enjoy my day without the anxiety of the hangover increasing into my brain to the point where I can’t breathe lol. So alcohol is a definite no no whilst I am healing. Onwards and upwards as they say. Deep breath in, deep breath out. 🖤🖤🖤

Day 2 complete.I must admit last night (18.10.22) didn't have the same affect as the first night 17.10.22 - Where I felt...
19/10/2022

Day 2 complete.

I must admit last night (18.10.22) didn't have the same affect as the first night 17.10.22 - Where I felt all lovely and calm in my head. Last night I felt quite irritable, lots of tossing and turning, and I have been reading up on the side effects of these little things, and apparently there is 'restless leg?' Has anybody ever experienced this? Surely not from only 2 tablets?? Well I was getting shooting pains down my legs, and for some reason they just wouldn't stop twitching, the need to move them constantly was some what frustrating.
This morning I didn't wake up feeling sedated either, I felt more groggy. I still had the thoughts of 'what if' 'am i going to be ok' but didn't have the panic that goes with the thought (same as the 17.10) So this I suppose is a positive.
According to online forums and the packaging of this medication itself, you can expect to see an improvement within 4-6 weeks, I'm wondering what if someone doesn't have 4-6 weeks? Are they just expected to wait?? Or speak to Samaritans or some other similar charity that offer 24/7 mental health advice?
I've been trying to take the tablet around the same time (I know I'm only 2 tablets deep but for those that know me know my issues with time) We have a love hate relationship.
Anyway will pop back on tomorrow, to see how the third one of these little bad boys has affected me, good or bad.

Yesterday (17.10.22) marks the day I began Mirtazapine 15MG.I have always been sceptical of anti-depressants, anti-psych...
18/10/2022

Yesterday (17.10.22) marks the day I began Mirtazapine 15MG.
I have always been sceptical of anti-depressants, anti-psychotic drugs and anxiety medications.
But literally I am at breaking point. I have referred myself for help from IAPT - Which is improving access to psychological therapies here based in good old Wiltshire. Anyway enough of that I'll come back to that in a second.

So back in July me and my partner split up (We were together almost 3 years) and to have my heart ripped out from the 3rd time (I'm sure this is supposed to be the lucky time) of falling in love, I can easily say it has been an extremely difficult journey to adjust. Not because I can't cope on my own (because I know I can) It's just change of routine, not having that 'person' to open up too, basically it is like grieving for a lost one, or a close best friend. How does one adjust from being stuck together all of the time to being completely alone??
I have put myself into work, completed in depth training with my rescue dog (sad I know) trying my hardest to keep myself relaxed by meditation, relaxing, sleeping.
BUT...
There is/was always something missing. I am always waking up with some sort of dread of 'What will be next?' 'Will I be OK?' 'Can I even manage??' All of these thoughts spiral into such a big deal to the point I haven't been able to eat, relax, even sometimes go to work. yes I have let this whirlwind of anxiety even potentially ruin my career.

I am healing from my sexual abuse I suffered as a child - I have only started to speak about this over the last 2 years and went to court.. That's a different story for a different day, so to go through that, alongside everything else and then break up with my partner.. A whole week I didn't eat anything and I literally passed out at work lol. I know I know, it's not funny.

I referred myself to IAPT - I had my call with them also yesterday 17.10.22 - This seems to be a relevant date in my life now, anyway the lady I spoke too was extremely kind, patient and took a genuine interest in what I thought made me sound so pathetic. She has put me onto some self healing 'workshops' I have one beginning Thursday 20.10.22 called 'cognitive reconstructing' which can help you improve how you feel. I will write about this after I've had the session.

But what the whole point of this post was to actually blog about my first time taking this medication (But as per my undiagnosed ADHD takes me round the block, onto a ferry and to an Island to collect firewood)

I fell into what was a VERY heavy sleep, I only woke up once (Where-as the last 12 weeks since I have been on my own I have been waking up with extreme panic from around 3AM and not going back to sleep) No dreams, no panic breathing. My mind was totally blank, totally quiet.

The first thing I thought of this morning was NOT 'Am I going to be OK, what's going to happen?' It was 'S**t, I've slept in for work' Its a good job my work colleagues know my situation and feelings with time.. That again is a story for another time.
I must admit for the best part of the day today at work I have felt somewhat sedated, there has been no fast heart rate, and I get the thought of an anxious time 'What if' 'How will you manage' 'You don't deserve this' You know the usual s**t BUT something else was also in my head today with a huge STOP SIGN... Shouting NO! We are NOT entertaining this today, we are comfortable with who we are ((we I mean me and myself) and we going to manage! So you best p**s off to be brutally honest!'

I'll probably get sectioned after this post because I've made myself sound like I was literally arguing with myself - Well yes, it's not something that is new for me, BUT the positive inside of me stood out and outweighed the negative impact my self usually has.. Well.. On myself.

I'm not sure if it because it is from one tablet, or how this is going to pan out.

I'll probably carry on writing about I feel when I can be arsed, and maybe share the other stories I've talked about in this blog/post. Whatever you kids call it these days.

But never forget you are never alone in these situations, and I for one have always been s**t scared and HATED the idea of being on medication to subside my own thoughts and feelings on how I am towards myself and towards life. But I think after feeling pretty positive today, I'll take another one of these bad lads tonight, and see how I go.

🫶🫶🫶🫶

We do NOT need to be reminded of ‘what was.’We do NOT need to be reminded of ‘what could have been.’We do NOT need to be...
03/08/2022

We do NOT need to be reminded of ‘what was.’
We do NOT need to be reminded of ‘what could have been.’
We do NOT need to be reminded of what we SHOULD or SHOULDN’T do in order to take basic care of ourselves!’
Because believe it or not sometimes that’s fu***ng difficult, and I’m the first to stand up and admit that!
What we DO NEED however is more love in the world, I’m looking forward to meeting new faces, and going new places 🤍🧘‍♂️
🌸🌸

Exactly this!! ‘Oh just relax you say?!’ ‘Remember to breathe you say,’ ‘Count to 20 you say!’ NONE OF IT FU***NG WORKS ...
26/07/2022

Exactly this!!

‘Oh just relax you say?!’ ‘Remember to breathe you say,’ ‘Count to 20 you say!’

NONE OF IT FU***NG WORKS BECASUE WE DON’T GET TO THE ISSUE

You DO NOT know this in-depth until you experience it yourself first hand!

Write down WHAT it is making you stressed, write down positives that can come from it, and the negatives. Write down WHAT is causing the anxiety, and HOW you can IMPROVE it.

People who have 0 clue will tell you to ‘relax’ and ‘breathe’ to ‘block it out, it helps, it fixes it, think of positive’ DOES IT F**K.

Remember, write write write, journal after journal after journal, message yourself with a happy thought, take photos of the things that make you feel happy. You can use these to calm and rationalise your brain, to then think WHAT is the cause of the stress/anxiety, and how we can get through it and overcome it.

Do NOT tell me to ‘relax’ ’breathe’ ‘alternate my thinking’ because that is IMPOSSIBLE when I or anyone else is NOT in their rational trail of thinking within their brain. True story!!

🌸

This is always a good starting point. And for those who don’t know, this ‘stress bucket relief’ work is incredibly diffi...
20/07/2022

This is always a good starting point.
And for those who don’t know, this ‘stress bucket relief’ work is incredibly difficult, can be extremely painful, and it takes time.
Time is the healer as they say.
Onwards and upwards. I’ve got you 🤍

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