05/10/2023
🌞 A new journey is beginning today. Just three weeks after the completion of the ConSensual - Embody Your Temple Journey 2023, we are starting today with the first of the three Pathway I retreats that build the group and new team for the 2024 journey (🙏 already a third booked out 🙏). But even more importantly TODAY I also start a radical new journey for myself after a beautiful deep body work session (internal family constellation) with my beloved team member Bas van der Tang (🙏🙏🙏).
The last three weeks were spent in support of completion of many of the pilgrims in the previous journey, and welcoming 14 new ones, AND in confronting myself with the dire reality of what it requires of me to fully step out of my co-dependency with narcissism and entitlement.
I spent 20 years in desperation and neediness to crack through this wall and be able to meet from the heart, share a reality, and some sort of fair deal. I loved so deeply and dreamt that at some point this love would be received. A story of many lives I have done before with somebody 'possessed' by the 'demon' of narcistic entitlement and me staying a victim of my love illusion - the illusion and the pain I caused myself with it is ALL of my own making (no victim in sight). I was radically confronted with it by my teachers and my family in March 2021 and left. Since then actually finding true love, conscious relating, filling my cup to the brim, and the power to bring forward my soul calling and the growth of ConSensual. A spirited beautiful life I will never cease being sooo grateful for 🙏🙏🙏🙏.
But I continued for almost 3 years to believe there is always a peaceful solution, that we can share from the heart and find each other somewhere, that I just need to continue offering more, paying without return, proofing myself as a father, moving towards, explaining again and again, calculating rational solutions, offering and offering, no matter what the costs were for me, my safety, my love, my health.
Confronting myself radically with my co-dependency pattern and the huge temptation to continue pleasing this 'demon' was a damn tough journey. The building of my illusions has come tumbling down and now I stand in the rabble of destruction - in its energetic and material sense. As soon as I no longer supported the beam that held the last bit of that illusion together, the building crashed.
Our divorce mediation was declared failed this week because one party cannot be mediated and seemed mentally incapable of understanding the base principle of willingness to resolve. I have deep empathy, I know the narcistic structure does not allow anything else. But it is time for me to love from distance.
I have no idea what will happen now. I acknowledge my new journey will contain fighting tough which is not my nature. The warrior in me is at peace though. And ready. I know there will be temptations on the way for the old pleaser. I will allow that to be seen too.
I am ready to start Pathway I, ready to connect upstairs and allow love and power to stream in service to all in this consecrated space. And ready to be vulnerable about the rubble of the crashed illusion. May a new pathway journey begin!🌞
