20/05/2025
Ik ben niet voor labels maar misschien is dit helpend voor mensen...
Someone who is highly narcissistic has high levels of shame. This comes from a lack of childhood relationship attunement. In short: there was no caretaker to mirror back and validate how they felt, to comfort or soothe, to be a healthy example of how to love, or to set clear boundaries and limits. Remember, limitations are just as important as emotional nourishment to children. Children need an adult who can clearly (and calmly) say “no” “that’s enough” and “this behavior is not ok.”
The highly narcissistic person will struggle to communicate how they feel. They struggle to handle the emotions of others and the boundaries of others. They are highly deflective, which makes conflict very difficult to navigate. Their inner shame becomes consuming in relationships. They easily become emotionally triggered— and often don’t feel good enough. They shut down quickly. They may say things like “I just can’t make you happy” or “this just doesn’t work because you do x.” What they actually feel is out of control. They lack relational skills like conflict resolution, active listening, and often fall into patterns of sulking or the silent treatment. Because they’re prone to chronic dissociation, it usually feels like they’re physically there but a million miles away mentally.
I get asked so often “well how do I make ten relationship work?” Or “how can I get them to see they act this way or that way” and the answer is always the same: you can’t.
The truth about life is we all have our past. We all have trauma and shame and experiences that completely changed who we are. And we all have hope, and opportunity, and ability to dedicate ourselves to healing. We have more information that we’ve had in human history.
If the person isn’t doing the work, the better question to ask becomes: “Can I stay if nothing about this person changes?”
Then you choose. And you always have permission to choose yourself