13/02/2024
This came up in my memories of six years ago. Tomorrow it will be 18 years since he took his life. This post still fits.
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12 years ago tomorrow..on Valentine's Day, my old world, my old life ended.
That "me" died, to be honest.
Here is part of that story. Kinda hard to put this all out of my personal page, but it's what I need to do.
*Trigger warning*
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“Why can't I just be happy and positive like she is?” I asked. And my husband, Zé's answer had such power, and in such a short phrase, that has stayed with me for these last couple of weeks.
With his eyes looking right into me, he said, “Because she hasn’t gone through the trauma that you have, querida.”
This conversation was hours after I told him about yet another flashback I had earlier. That morning, I was about to go meditate, and as I began to relax, the image just came in so fast! —
Going back 12 years ago….
— Months after my late husband’s death, the police finally freed his belongings. They wouldn’t return his clothes, as they said it really wasn’t recommended.
I went and picked up the package at the sheriff’s office…alone, as was the usual since his death. I brought it home to open in the privacy of my own house, and prepared to open it.. I really wasn’t prepared for what happened. — The very first item that came out was his blue and black fleece beanie that I had lovingly chosen the material for.. that I had sewn and given to him. —
—and this love-filled-beanie was also filled with my dear soul mate’s brain matter, blood, and bone fragments. —
There is absolutely NO WAY for me to express the terror of what I endured. Having this in my hands provoked yet another intense panic attack.. the kind I started to have two weeks after his death. And again, I was all alone now.
Lance was for me, my soul mate, love of my life, dearest and best friend in the world, my brother, my father, my mother.. my everything in this world.
.and I found his body out in the meadow by my house. And I was alone. And with the remants of his brain in my hands, my head cracked, the insanity of it all rushed in full force. And I was alone.
Planning my own su***de during those months and years was the only “relief” I found back then. Planning to do it without fu***ng it up, that is. His death, his su***de, and my own planning..are the reason that I am now living in a different country and culture. And after 12 years, I am not “over it”.. I am a survivor of it, but it still defines me. I still feel that my name is “Kristen-the-widow-whose-husband-su***ded.”
FOR THAT REASON, I am not, nor will ever be, a fluffy, happy-go-lucky, “positive-vibeing” person.
“SHE HASN’T GONE THROUGH WHAT YOU HAVE, MY DEAR.”
I have tried to conform over and over again, to the standard of what I see in so many of my online groups… FOR WAY TOO LONG!!
“Speak positive words only”, they say. “Only focus on the good in everything”, they repeat. “Look at the sliver lining”, they continue. (and my personal favorite, “Cut out the negative people in your life”.. OUCH!! — I guess I am that negative person that you are cutting out, then. One very famous teacher of the Think Positive movement says, “I want to be at such a high state of vibration… seeing others well…. that I DON’T EVEN NOTICE WHEN THEY ARE NOT!!!”
May I NEVER ever do that to a living soul EVER! May I always have the compassion and sense when other’s are down, and needing love. May I never CUT someone out of my life, because they are struggling.
Cut them out!!!?? — Well I can assure you, that if you cut me out, you will also be missing out on the wealth and depth of what I now have to give. .. Birthed in pain and suffering…depression and anxiety… I have lived in the Underworld.
and I came out.
(thank you, Zé!)
I AM a Healer, and Teacher. I can help others BECAUSE of what I went through, and still go through. not IN SPITE OF this.
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Do not, dear soul, EVER let someone put you down for being, what they term, as “negative”. Those so-called negative vibes that they are feeling are simply an activation of their shadow-self.
Just as a tuning fork, vibration only activates what is on the same frequency. — They are REPRESSING, DEPRESSING, DENYING, AND REJECTING those parts in themselves that are pushed down in their own shadow. They don’t want to look at what is inside there. — And YOU, my dear, are the easy target.. a scapegoat. They look outward at YOU, and push blame and shame on you. But this blame and shame is really directed at themselves, on a sub-conscious level.
So, it’s NOT YOU they are rejecting and blocking. It’s themselves.
FOR YOU: I would say, LOVE yourself completely and deeply for who you ARE. You are not your feelings. You are not your behavior. You are not the problems that you are going through. You are not even your thoughts! — YOU ARE DIVINE! — It’s just your personality (your name, who you call yourself) who is going through what it’s going through. The pain and intense emotions are how you are learning and evolving. — ACCEPT YOURSELF, accept what you are going through. and DON’T feel that you have to fake what you are feeling. This deceives no one! What is DOES do, is just make “the other person” feel better. —Be kind and gentle to yourself.. Only warning I have, is just don’t fall down into the victim trap.. You WILL rise out of this.. in time, in your way.
FOR THE OTHER: When someone triggers you or when their “perceived” negativity triggers something in you, DON’T REJECT IT. and DON’T REJECT THE PERSON. Ask yourself: “Why is this triggering me now?” Get quiet. It’s triggering because the frequency is INSIDE of YOU! Allow the feeling to wash over you. What fears come up? That feeling you feel about the other person: how is this active in YOU? Where do you feel it in your body? What is that feeling trying to tell you? — Listen to it. Spend time with it. LOVE IT. It’s an aspect of your shadow.
You will find that when you ACCEPT and LOVE, instead of rejecting and denying (sometimes hidden under the guise of “protecting my own energy”… that you can now BLESS it, and just let it go.. let it pass right through you.
And you will see that it wasn’t really the negativity in that “other” person that you needed to “protect yourself from”.
Love is the answer. Love ALWAYS is the answer. The shadow needs love, too!
Many blessings.
Namaste
