Jennifer English Counselling

01/08/2026

01/07/2026

01/05/2026

01/04/2026

Toxic families, friend circles, and work environments tend to dance around the most toxic person. You can spot a toxic person by how they react to being challenged or given feedback. ⠀⁠
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If they respond with high reactivity, revenge, passive aggression, or profound victimization, it's a perfect clue about their toxicity. ⁠
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As childhood trauma survivors, we often miss such clues due to our shame or toxicity being so familiar. As a result, we also never have seen healthy accountability. ⠀⁠
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Examples -⠀⁠
Don't rock the boat with mom. You know how angry she gets.⠀⁠
Don't rock the boat with dad...you know how neurotic he is. ⠀⁠
Don't tell that to your brother right now. He's got too much going on. ⠀⁠
Don't tell your mother about that. She'll lose it. ⠀⁠
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Systems cater to the most toxic and...f**k that. ⠀⁠
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Our tolerance for such systems diminishes as we grow, mature, and heal. It's a good thing. ⠀⁠
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What would happen if you didn't take part in the catering of the most toxic person in your family? If you've stopped, what was that process like? How'd it go down? ⠀⁠
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It's often a choice about reserving space for ourselves instead of the most toxic, and in my experience, it changes everything but is hard to do at first.

01/03/2026

What makes one's family toxic is usually aggressive denial or minimization of problems, abuse, and dysfunction.⁠
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The hills they will die on are actually choices they make between their relationship with their children and how they look to the outside when it comes to their part.⁠
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"I never said that."⁠
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"That never happened."⁠
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"We remember it differently, I guess."⁠
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"You were fine; we were a normal family,⁠
what is your problem?"⁠
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"You've always been the problem, and mom⁠
was right about you from the get-go."⁠
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"I'm happy to lose a sister who just wants⁠
to trash-talk her family and tell everyone⁠
the family business."⁠
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"So what if I hit you...you were rotten."⁠
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And the damage comes from how easily and quickly they take their high ground.⁠
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In our healing journeys, we have to ask what is at stake for them and what are they choosing.⁠
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While it would be hard for anyone to hear and process abuse they are responsible for, no one is going to die if they acknowledge, ask about, or admit failings.⁠
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What would it mean to the survivor if they heard: ⁠
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"I've been hiding from that, and I'm proud of you for bringing it up."⁠
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"I wasn't in my right mind, and I know you suffered because of my choices."⁠
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"I want to hear more and not be defensive and make this about me."⁠
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Those would be coming from someone valuing a relationship with their children over the shame and reality of their parenting.⁠
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It's a choice, and while the healthy examples seem idealistic, they do happen in families that recognize they could lose us.

01/02/2026

01/02/2026

Sometimes it’s hard to stop acting in certain ways, even if you no longer want to. ⁠
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And that’s because, whilst part of you may be able to see how that behaviour is affecting you negatively, another part of you is actually getting something out of acting in this way, albeit unconsciously. ⁠
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So if you are struggling to stop being a ‘fixer’ - ask yourself why you adopted this behaviour in the first place? What did it help you to get from others? What did you receive ‘in exchange’ for behaving in this way? ⁠
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And then look at what your inner child or teenager might STILL be getting from the people around you when you adopt this same behaviour? What need in you, however unconscious, is it meeting? ⁠
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In short, how was and is this behaviour SERVING you? ⁠
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Exploring what you are GAINING through doing something, means you can then put this against what it might be TAKING from you. ⁠
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And it’s from this place, that you can make a conscious decision to stop. ⁠
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Because you can then meet whatever this need is in a DIFFERENT, perhaps healthier, way (such as inner parenting from within, instead of relying on your needs to be met externally by others). ⁠
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There is nothing wrong with receiving support. But you don’t want to be dependent upon others in order to feel safe and loved because others will never be as dependable as yourself. ⁠
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⁠Here are some of the ways in which you can work with me when you are ready: online, self-led foundational course (Finding Freedom); online supported programme alongside twice-monthly group coaching calls (Making Peace With Your Past), one-to-one guidance (Private Client work) ♥️