04/12/2026
There is a specific triggering experience in the toxic family which is being told to be the better person in an abusive dynamic or situation.
You may have heard any of the following from family:
“You know how they are, just say you're sorry and be done with it.”
“You don't have problems like they have, so just let it go and support them. They can't help it.”
“I know they crossed a line, but they do have a point about you.”
In reality, the childhood trauma survivor is being told once again to put away the abuse they just went through and show up for the general good or for the perpetrator, who is never challenged by the system.
This is profoundly wrong because we are being told to betray: reality, healthy consequences of abuse, and ourselves.
In these moments, we are being manipulated to keep the status quo of the toxic system going, which means enabling perpetrators in their abuse. The abuser doesn't have to change because they've just been validated.
In healthy systems, there are consequences, and the offended must look at their behavior and seek repair, not the victims.
How batsh*t is it to be abused and then be told to show up as the accountable one?
