14/07/2019
Long read but worth it. Written by my son, a M**h user, during detox in prison. You want to understand why people would use this stuff even with all the education about it's dangers? Why would anyone use som**hing that is derived from poisons? It's an eye opener.
What’s good old friend? I know it’s been a while since we last kicked it. To be honest I was kinda nervous to write you. Even though it’s been so long, I would be a liar if I said I didn’t miss you. It seems like lately, due to my current situation, I keep picturing you back in my life. I know what you must be thinking. Me, nervous? Me, missing som**hing? When we were together, I was never like that. To be honest, I don’t think I was ever this full of emotion. Sometimes I think that taking you out of my life left a gaping hole in me somewhere. A hole that from time to time emotion just flows through like the breaking of a dam. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a scar. Sometimes I wonder if it’s permanent. I never thought it was going to be me. I remember I use to watch you with others. I’ve seen people turn into monsters when they are with you. Nervous wrecks that reflect only a glimmer of their former selves. At first it seemed like we would never be like that. I guess that’s part of the reason I always thought we were great together.
For real I think I’ve always known you. When I was real young I watched you chill with parts of my family, or other people I knew. I always seen you from afar. As I got older we were introduced a couple of times. I guess that tends to happen when we are both involved with the same people. You came in and out of my life, but we never got to know each other. To be honest the only reason I dealt with you was because you and my family were business partners. I kept my distance. There was a lot of rumors about you. All of them involved you hurting people, destroying their lives. As I got older I stopped listening to all the drama that revolved around you. I was a mouse, and you were the cheese in a mouse trap. I gave you a chance. I was older I thought. I was wise and more educated about the life style that revolved around you. How could you hurt me when I was aware of the danger?
All the negative hype seemed misplaced. What did they know? You and I were great together. We seemed made for each other in every way. I was an unfinished puzzle and you were all of the missing pieces. Do you remember the first couple months? We climbed the highest mountain together, and never came down. I didn’t so much as sleep a wink when I was with you. How could I sleep when we had so much to do together? You feed me all these brilliant goals, and dreams. You taught me to keep my schedule open. To live in the moment. I was a stronger worker. I thought I was a strong worker before I met you. I was better, faster, stronger. You improved my game outside of work as well. I was the perfect salesman. No longer a pushover I would take every penny I could get from people. It felt good to no longer be taken advantage of. I was a superhero, and you were my in-human strength.
I couldn’t keep you to myself, though could I? You were amazing and I had to share you with others. So naturally I picked the closest person to my heart. At first, like me, she didn’t know you. All she had ever done is observe you from afar. She had met you through others, but also like me, she has heard all the negative publicity, society has to offer about you. At first I thought she was jealous of our relationship. She use to say stuff like, “your acting different” or “your changing”. Her and I would fight about you. Sometimes I felt like she was just trying to get under my skin. However, with the aid of your strength I could easily brush off her advances. You made my skin impenetrable to negativity. I was bullet proof. It didn’t take long for her to hop on board though. Her, just like me, discovered that she misjudged you. All three of us became one. We were inseparable, unbreakable lovers in the throes of passion. I loved her with all of my heart and together we both loved you. It was us against the world. You taught us to care little about what others thought or felt. You showed us that all we needed was each other. You made the most boring part of our lives interesting. With you I could draw for hours, or be content doing nothing outside of work for days. We never needed anything more than you. It truly was an amazing couple of months. It was the most excitingly boring destructive waste of time in my life.
The grace period ended, didn’t it? They say all things come to an end, but they never prepare us for a crushing halt. It’s like one day I woke up and you just weren’t there. Like all we had done together was a dream. Of course, you were still around, but it’s like you stopped liking us. You weren’t doing all the things you promised me you would. The real you was missing. I still obtained the bullet proof shell to everything around me, but the happiness you once brought into my life was gone. I kept taking more of you in, looking for you. Searching for what we use be. It didn’t take long before I was caught for the bad choice of life style I had chose to live. You see during those couple of months I neglected a lot of responsibility other than work. I neglected my probation and now my poor choices had landed me in jail. Then, I was completely without you. Stripped of your protective coating I was forced to live with all the harm I had done. Where were you? What happened to the strength, that over time you had convinced me was my own? I started to realize the beautiful mask I had allowed you to place over my conscious. I began to hate you. I was alone, I was scared, and you were out there continuing to embrace the love of my life. You didn’t care about me. Your only need was to have someone to live off of. It was long after I learned that I had allowed you to infect me, that I began to hate myself.
All the dreams we had thought up together were a giant waste. We had gone nowhere. I thought you made the boring parts of my life interesting. In hindsight, having you around just made it easy for me to be okay with not accomplishing anything. I thought living with you was like living with no regrets. You never told me that the regret was just piling up. It consumed me like a tidal wave. What had I done? I trusted you so much that I even introduced the girl of my dreams to you. Now I watch as she is slowly destroying herself and her relationships with people. Even after I choose to rid you from my life she still needed you. You eventually became a wedge between us. A wedge that would eventually destroy a relationship, leaving a gaping bleeding hole in my heart. I haven’t talked with her in quite a while now. I know she is still struggling with you. I hope she comes to realize your true colors. I know now how horrible you treat the people you are with.
I think it would be good to tell you that I’m making a stand against you. I’ve finally found the strength to educate the people around me about who you really are. The 9th of this month makes 2 years since I was last with you. I still miss you for some reason. I guess I miss what you would consider the “good times”. I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you because after all the pain I’ve caused others while I was with you. I hate you because I still miss you every day. So, this is good-bye. Just know that the next time we cross paths it won’t be because I need your strength. It will be because I’ll be helping others discover who you really are. It will be because I have my own strength. The strength to stand against you. Goodbye m**h. I would say it’s been real, but I’d be tweaking
Never yours,
