03/16/2026
This quote floats around a lot in therapy spaces, and it can easily sound like victim blaming if we interpret it as people *choosing* chaos.
A more compassionate way to understand this is through the nervous system. Our nervous system is wired to look for familiarity because familiarity signals predictability, and predictability can feel like safety (even when the situation itself isn’t actually safe).
Imagine you are completely lost in a city.
You have no idea where you are, and the feeling of being disoriented and out of control is overwhelming.
Then, suddenly, you sigh because you recognize the neighbourhood.
The problem?
It’s not a safe neighbourhood.
But in that moment there can still be a sense of relief:
"At least now I know where I am" .
Our nervous system sometimes does the same thing with emotional patterns. If we grew up around chaos, conflict, or unpredictability, our system may learn that intensity feels familiar, so situations that create drama can feel strangely recognizable to our body. Not because we *want* suffering, but because our nervous system knows how to navigate that terrain.
Meanwhile, the deeper trauma underneath might still feel too overwhelming or unsafe to process. What can look like chasing drama is often something very different:
A nervous system trying to find orientation.
A protective strategy developed to survive.
A body choosing the familiar over the unknown.
True safety can feel unfamiliar at first, and that is okay!
