03/01/2026
The word friend means different things to everyone. I notice I use friend loosely as it can be an acquaintance or someone I have known for years. To another, it is vulnerable to call someone their friend.
The first relationships we form are usually with our primary caregivers. They are who we confide to up until we become school age and have more choice in who we spend time with. Play being the primary way we form relationships. How we socialize is taught by our primary caregivers. They demonstrate how to behave in social situations, and we absorb that information unconsciously and consciously.
Once we become children then teenagers, our friendships are complex. Friends are now the confidants, they also provide emotional closeness, and who we “play” with (Wrzus et al., 2017). Play does not necessarily end at any point in time. Play can be an integral to relationships as we continue to age (Van Vleet & Feeney, 2015). Though relationships can be easily built due to attending school or after school activities, loneliness can come up, especially at this stage in life. My own theory as to how this time can bring up loneliness is it is the beginning of the journey of understanding the self. You may begin to feel lost around this time because there is a lot of change and growth.
Loneliness, as described in the article by Dwyer (2024), is an underlying feeling of disconnection from others. I think this is a great way to describe loneliness many people face today. There are cultural factors, like how in the western world society is individualistic rather than collectivist that can increase loneliness. A new common phrase is to “do it alone”, or to “do it scared” (Dwyer, 2024). The “it” could be anything from taking yourself out to eat, to joining a club. This phrase can help individuals push themselves out of their comfort zone and at the same time it may not reduce loneliness.
Self-esteem and perceived social support were found to be just as important, as real social supports to lessen feelings of loneliness in a study done by Yildiz & Karadas (2017). This somewhat correlates with my theory of not understanding the self leading to loneliness. Working on self-compassion, recognizing the realities of those who do support you or do not, and reflecting on how you have supported yourself are 3 steps one can take to reduce feelings of loneliness (Yildiz & Karadas, 2017).
I understand that it is hard to maintain or create friends. I see and hear this constantly in my work and from people in my life. In my opinion, the world has become harder to navigate emotionally, financially and socially. This affects any person but if one is unable to seek social supports as is, no fault of their own, then it becomes much harder to maintain or build friendships. Although, all the work that goes into these things are worth it.
Let’s try to hold two opposing facts at once:
Things are not easy and there are some things going well.
Being vulnerable is not comfortable and over time gets easier.
There is a lot one can change and a lot one has going for them.
There is so much out of control and so much within your control.
It takes time to sit with opposing truths. It is a constant practice to sit and reflect over the things you experienced and what is currently happening in your life through curiosity. Honouring both ones’ emotions and the facts. Begin by listing your realities. What type of comfort do you seek versus what you need? Who has been there for you? When have you been there for yourself? Name what you are feeling and try to communicate this to someone you are safe with.
What you are experiencing is real. At the same time change is constant. You deserve care and compassion.
