06/25/2021
It’s funny how certain memories come back to us when we need to see beneath the surface behavior of a loved one who is going through a hard time.
This morning, I was helped by a memory of my then eleven-year-old daughter as she tried to get back into swim practice a month after having extensive oral surgery.
For several days in a row, she tried to participate, but the pressure beneath the water was uncomfortable. I had her re-examined by the orthodontist to make sure everything was okay. The doctor found no reason she couldn’t swim as normal, so we returned.
That day I planned to run errands while my child practiced. She asked me to wait for a few minutes, so I did. The next thing I knew, she was holding the side of the pool with the look of distress on her face.
The first thoughts that came to my head were unkind. Things like:
'It's all in her head.'
'How long is this going to go on?'
'She just wants to go home and play with her friends.'
As I walked from the stands to the side of the pool, I asked for a new way to see and hear this situation that was getting quite tiresome.
As the pool water splashed my feet, four powerful words came to mind. I’d said them to my husband Scott during a white-water rafting experience. Fearing my younger daughter was going to fall out of the boat, I began calling out orders, sharp and gruff.
“Don't be mad,” Scott responded.
“I'm not angry, I’m scared… this is fear talking,” I stated.
Scott’s face softened at my admission. “We got through it, Rach, and that was supposed to be the hardest one.”
I am learning this about myself - when I am scared and anxious, I get controlling and mean. I’m working on a different response, but I’m also learning the benefit of interpreting my behavior for my family, so they know when I need time, space, and understanding.
With this valuable awareness on my mind, I bent down to talk to my tearful child.
“I can't breathe,” she cried. “I can't do this.”
This time I did not hear scheming to try to get out of practice. I heard something familiar. I heard fear talking… and because of that, what came out of my mouth was surprisingly supportive.
“It feels different than it used to, doesn't it? Things are still healing so it feels different, and different can be scary. Thank you for trying.”
About that time, her coach approached, asking if she was okay. When we told her the situation, she suggested Avery grab her kickboard and practice with her head above water. I was grateful her coach provided an alternative so Avery could participate in a way that felt safe to her.
I didn’t end up having time to run my errands, so I sat down and watched my daughter glide back and forth through the water.
As my breathing steadied, I could see clearly. And what I saw was a human being who’d been through a pretty traumatic event and was doing her best to adjust to a new normal.
It was different than what I saw in the weeks prior because I was looking and listening beyond the surface.
When we realize fear is talking
Anxiety is talking
Despair is talking
Hopelessness is talking,
We realize this is not about us.
And that allows us to respond to the hurting person in ways we couldn’t before.
From there, anything is possible.
By Rachel Macy Stafford
*Extending my hand to those finding it hard to catch their breath as we come out of a life-altering period with new, tender places and no set remedy for healing.
