03/19/2026
In our world today, there is so much aggression and violence, which is something as a therapist, I have spent a long time studying and treating in the therapeutic space. In light of this big problem and truly, undoing of our society, institutions and relationships on micro and macro levels, I figure I’d write a bit about it.
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Aggression takes two forms which are equally destructive: verbal and physical. When it pops up, verbal and physical aggression is a mask. It’s what is underneath that mask is what needs to be seen in the light of day, made conscious and treat. Underneath the mask of anger and aggression are deep-seated, painful emotions.
This human experience is so well documented in the emergence of depth psychology, going all the way back to the 1930s with the rise of Sigmund Freud’s work on the subconscious, continuing on with Carl Jung’s work on collective unconscious and personas. But you can also see excellent examples of masks of the human mind through great literature such as Robert Lewis Stevenson’s story of Jekyll and Hide…frankly there are too many great examples to list.
Key to understanding relational aggressiveness is understanding their fear, shame or beliefs of inadequacy or insecurity has nothing to do with anyone else, it is rooted in what is underneath the mask being worn, by either someone else or ourselves or both at the same time. It is common in psychological literature to understand anger as a secondary emotion to more deep-seated emotions such as fear, shame and inadequacy. These emotions when triggered by something in the present day experience happen like a flash, then become communicated as aggressive verbal or physical behaviour. Of course, they can be communicated in other ways too, through avoidance behaviours and shut down/withdrawal.
Relational aggression transcends gender and age. Girl and boys, men and women of all ages relate to each other this way. Also known as bullying, it changes from bullying to relational abuse when it is a continuous pattern, and it happens in all kinds of relationships and spaces: Friendships, families, communities and workplaces, institutions and societies.
Well, when we become aware we suffer from terribly human behaviours and are ready to move past stigma, shame and suffering to have a better life the question becomes, “ so, what do we do about it”?
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If it was only possible to have a sign pop up with "fear" or “shame” on it in these real life situations. A pop-up notification isn’t something we have the luxury of receiving from the body’s sympathetic nervous system that holds all unprocessed traumatic memories giving us alarm bells of urgency to warn and protect us from these situations happening again. I mean, truly our bodies are brilliant, they don’t forget and they do a great job of keeping the past close to the present to protect us. They’re just doing their jobs. Except it isn’t always appropriate and when it is, there are better ways to handle the problem besides becoming aggressive, running away or shutting down, i.e., going into a trauma response.
I’ll say it again, when old traumatic material that we are aware we have or are unaware we have is triggered by a current day situation in our lives we do not get a memo from the brain and body to indicate our previous traumatic experiences are now triggered and we are in a trauma response, meaning the past is in the present, distorting the situation at hand and wrecking havoc with aggressiveness.
We just simply don’t get that clear message given to us.
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But with good, trauma-focused EMDR therapy that is customized to each client’s mental and physical health needs and current life situation, we develop stronger emotional regulation and therefore become aware in the moment that the aggression that is erupting in our bodies and brains is fear or shame arising in the moment. We become aware (or more aware) we are triggered and we have the tolerance for the difficult emotions involved in re-experiencing of the trigger (anger, fear, shame) through the stabilization process of learning EMDR regulation tools to better cope. We use them, and then becomes possible for the aggression (fear/shame response) to be slowed down, emotionally regulated and addressed at its root: fear.
This is how it’s done but it is a process of feeling safe enough to come out of denial, access therapy support, develop those emotional regulation tools, use them every day and clear the old mental wounds that created the fear and shame in the first place. In my experience as a therapist for close to 20 years, nothing does it better than EMDR therapy. Talking does not process your trauma, it might help you feel validated, understood and reassured which is part of the therapeutic process indeed, but if that’s all you get out of therapy, the patterns will continue to repeat themselves. Talking doesn’t process the trauma at the root, but EMDR processes it, and it processes it like a boss because when facilitated with a treatment plan applying precise EMDR protocols and careful integration of comprehensive trauma informed models such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) approaches that customizes client needs, the trauma at the helm of these intense automatic reactions do not stand a chance.
At the same time it is crucial to recognize and communicate that NO emotion is ever wrong. We 100% have the right to feel whatever it is we are feeling as it is our experience and no one can understand that like us. It is not the feeling of anger, fear, shame or thoughts of inadequacies and insecurity that is ever wrong. It is the behaviour that stems out of unchecked anger that is aggressive and/or verbally/physically violent towards another person that is wrong. Later, that aggressive behaviour turns in on oneself, which so many of us can relate to if we get humble and honest. But feelings? No, they are never wrong. It can be very helpful and life-changing to separate and validate the emotion from the behaviour as problematic and workable.
It is my hope that people, one by one, find solace, resolution and inner strength, confidence and stability through trauma treatment, such as EMDR therapy. We must first acknowledge the source of nearly every mental health condition, which is trauma and come to understand the many subtleties of trauma itself: trauma is not always what we think it is. If you struggle with mental health conditions or symptoms whether you are diagnosed or not, embrace the fact you are re-experiencing traumatic experiences in your day-to-day life and reach out for help. You deserve it, no matter what you might think.
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