05/14/2024
I wrote this myself some time ago, and I'm very happy with it - for those wonderful INFJ Personality Types out there (even though you're 1 in 100):
Tips for Caring for and Loving Somebody with an INFJ Personality Preference
1. When in doubt, SHUT THE F*** UP. Just listen. Do not interrupt. Try to understand what the message is “between the lines”. DO NOT STOP LISTENING so that you can begin to formulate your argument about why you’re right and s/he’s wrong. S/he will instantly know that you’ve stopped listening.
2. NEVER betray his/her trust. If you do, then live with the consequences – you’re going to pay a huge price especially if s/he is the type who adopts a “Kenshin” approach which punishes wrong-doing (as opposed to the “Jesus” type who adopts a “turn the other cheek”, forgiving approach). In some cases it may already
be over – second chances are pretty rare. If you get a second chance, you need to get your game on and NEVER f*** up again.
3. NEVER try to deceive an INFJ. You’ll be dead meat. Do not even attempt to tell them something that you aren’t completely committed to – they will know you’re hiding something or deceiving them even if you’re actually deceiving yourself
too. See rule #1.
4. NEVER mistake their laid back, solicitous and conflict-avoidant approach for weakness, insecurity or vulnerability to being manipulated – this will backfire on you so bad, you will rue the day you didn’t see the tactical nuclear strike coming.
5. INFJs can’t usually do casual – especially casual s*x. If there isn’t a relationship of considerable strength, stability and future potential, they will generally not be able to live with themselves (for long) in that relationship.
6. Your INFJ adores you more than they can express with words. Even if they don’t tell you verbally, they will show you how they feel through their patience, kindness, and willingness to please you. NEVER violate this great gift by lack of appreciation or worse, betrayal.
7. Thank your INFJ with sincere hugs and kisses, and tell them you appreciate the things that they do for you. Just knowing that you’re aware of it is reward enough to keep the INFJ overjoyed (and enthusiastically continuing to do all the things you love that they do for you).
8. If an INFJ is in a romantic relationship with you, they consider you their number one priority in life. Your happiness and well-being are the most important things in their lives. DO NOT take this for granted – although it is easy to do, as the INFJ will let this go on rather than take you up on it. Until it may be too late.
9. Your INFJ can sense your emotions even more acutely than if you were telling them with words. They can feel what you are feeling – truly super-empathic. Don’t be alarmed by this as they generally will not ever use it against you. However, this means you can never lie to them. If you try, they will know, it will hurt their feelings as badly as if you had completely betrayed them.
10. INFJs love it when you just walk up to them and hold them. No words. Nothing complicated. Just gently wrap your arms around them and focus on how you feel about them. They can feel it like it is pouring out of you and into them. Don’t be alarmed if they cry or get very emotional when you do this.
11. INFJs love to listen. Don’t be afraid to tell them what is on your mind, even if they didn’t ask. One caveat – if what is on your mind is a criticism of something about them, see Rule #1 and Rule #30.
12. INFJs also love it when you listen to them. Please ask them questions aimed at understanding them better, to show them that you care, and let them talk freely without interruption when you do. Very important. The more intently you are interested in understanding how they feel and what they have to say, the more
they will love you.
13. Sometimes an INFJ needs to recharge their minds, and will sit and stare blankly into space. This is perfectly normal, as your INFJ is rebooting their amazing mind. Systems will be online again shortly. You can often cuddle or snuggle, but do not attempt to engage their consciousness, i.e. by talking to them or asking them questions (see #1).
14. INFJs thrive in a “safe” environment with just you, and a few of their closest loved ones. The more opportunities you help an INFJ create for these kinds of environments, the happier they will be.
15. INFJs don’t do well in crowds for extended periods. They will join you in them if that’s where you want to go, but please be mindful of the duration of contact. INFJs may become unresponsive and even irritable when exposed to crowds for too long. A crowd is different to an INFJ than it probably is to you. 2 or 3 people who they don’t know or trust can be a crowd, especially if they are boisterous, or loud (even though it may be happy).
16. While INFJs are likely to be extremely affectionate with you, they are generally not interested in being affectionate with anyone else outside of a small circle of close and trusted friends, and physical contact with “strangers” may unsettle them. The INFJ’s definition of who is a “stranger” with respect to physical intimacy may be very different from yours – when in doubt, ask them and respect their decision.
17. Your INFJ accepts you for everything you are – often pretty much just as you are. However, INFJs can be especially eccentric. If you accept and even adore your INFJ’s eccentricities and peculiar interests, this will greatly increase their happiness, contentment, and self-confidence and composure.
18. INFJs are otherwise very self-sufficient, “low maintenance” mates, and can be left to their own little worlds for extended periods. However, infrequent, random, spontaneous, and attentive moments of affection are always appreciated and may be essential, especially if the relationship has foundered a little.
19. Always kiss your INFJ goodnight and tell them that you love them, even if you’re not going to sleep when they do.
20. Always cuddle with your INFJ when they wake up and greet their day with love.
21. Your INFJ will have a reflex to help others. Do not be alarmed by this, as it does not in any way reflect on how your INFJ feels about you, or your relationship. It is simply their nature to help others – sometimes to a degree that can make the ones they love assume they might be less of a priority. Nothing could be further from the truth.
22. Your INFJ is a planner. Sometimes spontaneity leaves them in a position that they cannot plan how to cope, or how to best make you happy, and they may find this unsettling. Don’t associated their unsettled demeanour with your having done something wrong – check first if it is the situation that is causing the problem. In other words, be careful not to take things personally all the time.
23. Your INFJ is very idealistic and principled. If you need them to go against their ideals or principles to make you happy, this can cause them a great deal of conflict, internal turmoil and tension. Please be mindful of their ideals and principles and try to avoid asking them to compromise them.
24. When an INFJ’s ideals or principles are offended, they will often pull away quickly. This may look very similar to their normal modes of being lost in their own heads to the untrained eye, as they do not like to cause tension or disharmony. Try to spot this reaction and quickly make right whatever was wrong, even if it was simply a stated opinion. This will often bring them back to the harmony they need to be their healthiest.
25. No one will EVER love you as much as your INFJ.
26. You may need to TRANSLATE between the metaphorical or non-literal communications of the INFJ to what they may actually be intending to communicate – this requires you to respond sometimes with what you UNDERSTAND them to have said rather than repeating what they just said to you. DO NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS – you’ll be dead meat if you get it wrong. Use gentle, and appreciative inquiry – strive to understand first. They may talk in riddles at times, but that just makes life more interesting (nod your head in agreement right now).
27. UNDERSTAND, most of all, the INFJ’s DREAMS of the FUTURE, and your role in them. NEVER dash these dreams if you can help it. Try to support these dreams as much as possible, even if you tend to live in the “here and now”.
28. INFJs may be very vulnerable to “brittleness” when they are placed in frontline positions where they must serve the public, with many distractions, interruptions, and many tasks to perform without a period of “alone time” or respite from this intense interactivity. Just because they are good at it does not make it sensible to expect too much of it in one dose. Those whose jobs are demanding such as this may need a particular time period to “de-stress” or “de-compress” before they can be their usually relaxed and accommodating selves again.
29. INFJs typically enjoy idealized settings, they may revisit a first date venue, first kiss, marriage proposal site, etc...and be disappointed if their mate does not see the benefit of such activity. Learn to be romantic by giving them gifts of such idealized settings, reminiscences, and historical replays of important events in their lives.
30. DO show Words of Affirmation and lots of love and support for the INFJ. When to be direct and critical towards an INFJ: NEVER. Problems should be addressed by making sure the INFJ is ENLISTED in the solution – and how and why it is important that they contribute to this solution. Remember, they like to help the
underdog and the downtrodden! But they can be DEVASTATED when they think they may not have lived up to their view of perfection.
31. The INFJ’s need for a deep understanding of their situation, especially with respect to their mate, means they may probe for this understanding to the point it actually becomes annoying – especially to the practical, “here and now” types such as SJs and SPs. A suggestion – try to “head them off at the pass” by asking
questions like “where are you going with this?” or “it seems like you’re on a mission to understand something – can I help you with this in some other way than trying to answer a thousand questions – some of which I really can’t answer properly anyway?”
32. Be conscious that the INFJ avoids conflict and may even actively ignore it or shut down completely when faced with uncomfortable or distressing conflicts. BE PATIENT, allow plenty of time, give some time outs or even space if it appears s/he is becoming overwhelmed for a time – they need “alone time” to process the
complexities of a situation.
33. DO NOT browbeat or “attack with logic” an INFJ. They will shut down and resent your attack, while you may have received the impression that their silence or even indirect messages of acquiescence are tacit concession to your logic. Such is RARELY the case. You will be perceived as a bully and your actions to be a
power play.
34. The INFJ who is engaged in problem-solving voluntarily, rather than hiding from conflict, will respectfully, painstakingly and collaboratively work towards a solution.
35. An INFJ will accommodate (give in) to others if their VALUES are NOT compromised. So, UNDERSTAND the INFJ’s values, and DON’T EXPECT THEM TO COMPROMISE on them.
36. Solutions that “WORK” for the INFJ most often include the following characteristics: May be idealistic and future oriented; Harmonious to all parties; Likely very “creative”; Embrace compromise, cooperation and communication; Results-focused
37. The INFJ will probably get their feelings hurt during the process of conflict resolution with their mate. While at times it may be best not to avoid this entirely, it is also the case that an adverse reaction may effectively stop the problem solving in its tracks, and may actively inhibit coming back later to the same issue.
38. Because of the above, the INFJ will not get to the point as quickly in conflict, as other types may.
39. The INFJ may tend to exclude those responsible and talk to others first – do not be offended by this and try to be patient. It would be appropriate to ask him/her to observe a reasonable degree of privacy, but understand that s/he may have relatively few friends close enough, with whom to talk things over.
40. The INFJ will naturally ignore details and facts and probably centre on generalized feelings about the situation. Try to listen for understanding of his/her general evaluation of the situation, don’t get caught up in arguing about the accuracy of certain facts s/he may recount. Don’t raise your voice with them.
41. The INFJ will tend to take everything you say very personally despite your words to the contrary – remember that they “read between the lines” with as much capability as the literal messages. As they are easily devastated by the smallest deviation from their ideal of perfection, they can lose their objectivity quickly and have a difficult time regaining it.
42. The INFJ may be too “indirect” in their communication – caution not to take their communications at face value. Ensure you understand completely what they have agreed to (or apparently agreed to) before moving on, even to the point of clarifying in your own terms what the agreement is and what stock you are placing on the apparent agreement. Ensure they understand that it is DESIRABLE that they not say “yes” when they really feel “no”, and that you will love them more for being direct, truthful, and honest with you even if you don’t get what you want otherwise.
43. For harmony sake, the INFJ may move too quickly toward resolution and regret it later, with resentment that gradually builds. Don’t take the “easy way out” with this. You’ll pay the price later.
44. The INFJ thoughts expressed can be too complex and not stated concisely enough for others (see #42 above).
45. The INFJ needs to feel safe with you – psychologically, physically, and even spiritually – i.e. that their values, beliefs and principles are known, understood, and even accepted or respected by you. Dismiss them, or disrespect them, at your peril.
46. The INFJ’s need for cuddling and “together” time can sometimes be opposed by their need for “alone time”. This may put you in a bit of a bind. They may really need both, and you may not know which is the more important – especially if you both have busy schedules and cuddling/”together time” is hard to come by. You CAN combine cuddling/”together time” with “alone time” for the INFJ. Just don’t say a word when attempting to do so. DO NOT use cuddling and “together” time (when “alone time” is also needed), for conversation, especially about weighty matters. (See #1 above).
47. Show your playful side – don’t be too serious. Laughing out loud is sometimes the only time the INFJ can let go of the serious mission of making this world a better place for the downtrodden.
48. The soul, and other deeply spiritual feelings and contemplations, are often important for an INFJ – if you are a “here and now”, practical type (i.e. SJ or SP), try to go along, but don’t “pretend” to “get it” – you’ll be exposed as deceitful if you do. If nothing else, try to see how the INFJ reacts to events of this nature, to see how fascinated, soothed, or contented they may become in the company of such things, and support him/her by simply commenting on how happy it makes you to see them so content – so it must be important what they are doing.
49. NEVER play “one-up-man-ship” games with an INFJ. They need to be considered an EQUAL.
50. A “soul wound” to an INFJ can take years to heal. Do not be impatient with this. Understand and show sympathy towards them.
51. Helping an INFJ get over a death or termination of an important relationship should perhaps give special consideration to the principle of “greatest good for all concerned” – this is a principle which can help them sort out the grief and pain. This process can be aided further by having the INFJ “journal” about the complete life narrative with the person who is gone – which can be a long
process. But in the end, having captured the whole life together (good times and bad), ending the story (journal), and seeing how the greatest good for all concerned might have been achieved, helps bring closure for the INFJ, so moving on can be accomplished.
Acknowledgements
http://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality
http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/counselor.asp
http://personalityjunkie.com/the-infj/
https://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ
http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html
http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/infj/
https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ_rel.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ_per.html
An in-depth look at the gifts and challenges of the INFJ personality type, and advice on overcoming challenges and growing as an individual.
