02/20/2025
As a therapist, here is what I wish people knew about domestic violence, interpersonal violence, partner abuse or spousal abuse.
All are words for the same thing.
It rarely, if ever, starts out as abuse.
Often it starts out with bold gestures, loud professions of love and Cinderella acts of kindness and devotion. They pretend to be who they think you want or need.
Then, the abusive behaviours creep in slowly.
Sometimes there is neglect or not responding to you in a kind or neutral way when you reach out for support. Sometimes there can be both abuse and neglect.
That’s what makes this so disorienting and confusing.
When the abuse starts to creep in, mixed with all the love-bombing. And then, which one do you believe? Our minds find it hard to understand opposing ideas at the same time, which in psychology we call cognitive dissonance.
And so, we don’t notice it as the poor treatment grows, expands and festers and eventually takes us apart, thread by thread, seam by seam, accomplishment by accomplishment.
Abusive people attack you; directly or indirectly on the things that you’re good at, or the things that you’re sensitive or vulnerable about. Both are ways to steal your power and dim your shine so the abusive person, with no solid inner core or self-confidence, can gain some, by stealing yours.
So, if you are in a relationship that has abusive behaviours in it, or newly dating after being in an abusive relationship;
• Watch for the patterns.
• Be objective.
• Educate yourself on domestic abuse.
• Ask the hard questions and listen to the answers.
• And if something doesn’t feel right, seek experienced support such as a therapist with, and * this is important *, domestic abuse training.
Julie💕
