08/07/2025
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Thursday, August 7, 2025
The air felt different this morning. I knew the date was nearingโCory and I had just been speaking about it last night, though I was sure it was still a few days away. But I woke up with the vivid image of Jax standing in a field of green grass. I fought to stay asleep, to hold onto the dream, but I woke up with tears in my eyes, the certainty washing over me. Today was the one-year anniversary. I grabbed last yearโs journal just to confirm it. One year. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it went by so quickly. The smell of cigarette smoke was a familiar comfortโI knew my dad was close by. I sat and wrote two full pages, a flood of emotions pouring out.
I still have no regrets. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and I know I gave it everything. Jax was my world, so to decide to end it was agonizing. But it wasn't a decision made overnight; it was a decision that took over a week of careful, painful thought. Jax had crossed a line, a boundary, and there was no going back. There was no way to gloss over it or pretend it wasnโt a big deal. It was. It was a boundary that had been crossed, and the decision had to be made. Although I miss him every day, I can now see how his crossing that one boundary forced me to recognize how many people I had allowed to cross my boundaries before. I simply hadn't had them. I'd been so used to accommodating others that I didnโt even realize I was being taken advantage of.
On my morning walk, I started comparing Jax and Roman, as I sometimes do. Jax was my comforter; he made me feel safe and secure. Roman, on the other hand, is my explorer. He makes me laugh, he's always learning, and he is my teacher. My mindโyes, it driftedโthank you, Mercury Rx. I thought about my mom and how she treated us kids differently through my lens. Maybe it was her way of showing her love for us, or maybe it wasnโt. Then I thought about how I mothered.
Then I starting thinking, the act of making a decision on behalf of someone else often stems from a place of love and care. We might genuinely believe we are doing what's best for themโavoiding a difficult conversation, protecting them from pain, or steering them toward a path we see as more beneficial. However, without a clear, open conversation, we are left to interpret their needs and desires through our own lens. Are we truly acting for their benefit, or are we making the decision for ourselves? Are we doing it to alleviate our own discomfort, to maintain a certain dynamic, or to fulfill our own sense of responsibility? It's a subtle but crucial distinction.
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Establishing boundaries is a powerful act of self-love and self-respect. They are not meant to punish others but to protect our own well-being. When a boundary is crossed, itโs a clear sign that a decision needs to be made, regardless of how difficult it may be. Sometimes, the most loving decision we can make for ourselves is to walk away, to say no, or to end a relationship. It is about being honest about our own motivations. Remember, you can still love someone and mourn the loss of a relationship while holding a firm line. It can be a powerful realization to admit that sometimes, we make a decision for our own peace of mind, and that's okay too.
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