05/15/2023
The view from here.
I post each year about the struggles of Mother’s Day. I know that social media today will be filled with photos of flowers, seemingly endless praise for mothers, smiling families, tributes to all that is the ideal of motherhood.
For these posts, I am grateful. I am blessed to have a mom, a stepmom, and a mother-in-law who are all remarkable women in their own ways and who love and support me, my husband, and our children. Not everyone is so fortunate.
What’s not shared are the uncomfortable and ugly parts of the noun and verb “mother”...
I see all of you.
I see those who are so overwhelmed by this day because:
* No one posts of being the woman desperate to be a mother but for whatever reason (biological or social) has not become one.
* No one posts about choosing not to be a mother
* No one tags the mother who lives alone estranged from her children
* No one shares that they had a mother who didn’t mother them or for some reason stopped mothering them.
* No one shares their grief at having become a mother and lost their child.
* No one posts about the deep grief of losing their mother
* No one shares about the overwhelming loneliness of carrying the household & family emotional load as a mother
* No one cleverly hashtags about dreading the approach of this day.
For all of you who want to post those things...I see you.
I see the pregnant mommas, still waiting in anticipation, excitement, and fear... the new moms who are trying to figure out how to do this thing that has no instruction manual and the veteran moms who have 2, 3, 4, or more kids and can seemingly juggle the responsibilities of keeping those small humans alive without missing a beat or who wonder when they will crawl out from under the overwhelm.
I see the endless snacks, diaper changes, cracked ni***es, bottle or breast debates, sleepless nights, fevers, scraped knees, loads of laundry, permission slips, and bedtime stories.
I see you as you weep quietly into your cold coffee or sob uncontrollably in the shower.
I see you as you burst with pride as your tiny offspring masters a new skill.
I see you BIPOC moms living in fear for your children in a world that regularly targets and profiles your children.
I see you as you advocate for your child with exceptionalities and your fatigue as the battle against systemic injustice rages on.
I see you moms with a nanny, a housekeeper, and a cook who would love to step away from your busy life to sit on the floor and read a book.
I see you moms who are working your way through the fog and pain of postpartum mood disorders while trying to be the best mom you can be.
I see you moms who struggle to stretch your budget to have healthy meals, keep the lights on, and house your children who dream of a better life for your kids.
I see you moms who have taken the bold step to leave an abusive relationship and are spending this day in a shelter with your kids and I see you moms who are afraid to leave and send this day in the shadow of fear.
I see you single moms who are doing all the things
I see you partnered moms who are also doing all the things.
I see you moms who have amazing partners who support you completely and those who have partners who simply do not share the emotional load of parenting.
I see you moms who are doing all you can to help your child (or grown child) who has anxiety, depression, bipolar, or other mental illness but feel helpless in the face of of the challenges they face.
I see you stepmoms who have wholeheartedly jumped in and embraced a motherly role - loving kids as if they were your own from the beginning.
I see you Pinterest moms with amazing colour-coded chore charts, beautifully arranged snack platters, and perfect birthday parties
I see you moms who do drive-thru 3 nights a week because you are utterly exhausted and this is what works for your family.
I see you foster moms who have children pass in and out of your homes and provide nurturing care they may never have otherwise.
I see you surrogate mothers who give others the gift of motherhood.
I see you moms who have adopted and are fearful your children will seek their biological mother and I see you moms who are adopted and crave a connection with your biology.
I see you mothers who are trying to navigate the conflicting emotions of seeing your children head off to college.
I see you mothers grieving the loss of a child whether born to this world or not.
I see you moms who have the joyful presence of your living children but deeply mourn the absence of your lost children.
I see you moms spending this day alone.
I see you moms who miss so many games, concerts, parent-teacher interviews because your work keeps you away.
I see you moms who want to spend the day with your moms and because of distance, estrangement, death, or other circumstances cannot.
Dear moms, I see you. I sit with you. You are so very loved and you are not alone.
