The Centre for Gay Counselling

04/24/2024

Let us know in the comments what else you'd add to the list! 🏳️‍🌈💜

Exploring the Vancouver gay scene: 28 activities to try today

02/02/2022

HIV is one of the most stigmatized health conditions there is.

In fact, I’ve seen HIV stigma impact people’s mental health regardless of their HIV status.

In this article, I cover some of the most common mental health challenges related to HIV that I’ve worked through with clients in counselling.

You can read the article here: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/2022/01/28/what-gay-guys-need-to-know-about-hiv-and-mental-health/

~ Victor

What things can actually help your mental health?

09/13/2021

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions about self-worth? 🙋‍♂️

1️⃣ How would you define self-worth, and what brings a high self-worth in someone's life?

2️⃣ Are there differences between self-worth, self-esteem, and self-value?

3️⃣ What could cause low self-worth?

4️⃣ What practical steps and/or exercises can people do to start growing their sense of self-worth?

5️⃣ Are there right and wrong ways to communicate with someone with low self-worth? If yes, what are they?

6️⃣ What tools would you recommend for people who want to learn more about self-worth?

I was recently interviewed about self-worth and asked these six excellent questions.

You can check out the answers to these questions by reading this article: https://bit.ly/3E7uWa1

My hope is that the article gives you some valuable insights into your own relationship with self-worth.

~ Jordan

In this interview, Jordan Gruenhage talks about the causes of low self-worth, and some methods to start growing your sense of self-worth.

08/25/2021

Does anyone else view September as a sort of second "new year?" 🙋‍♂️

A lot of gay men will be thinking about starting counselling in September as they strive to make their lives and relationships easier, more productive, and just overall better. 🌱☀️

But knowing where to start is where you might be stuck. You might be wondering:

❓If I’m gay, does my counsellor need to be gay?

❓How do I know if a counsellor is even “good?”

❓And how do I know if a counsellor isn’t right for me?

I know that choosing a counsellor can be difficult. So I wrote an article about how to find a gay counsellor (and if your counsellor even needs to be gay) that you can read here: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/2020/12/20/how-to-find-a-gay-counsellor/

Knowing how to select the right counsellor is such an important topic because your fit with a counsellor is one of the biggest factors in determining a beneficial counselling outcome.

Have a read and let me know if you have any questions. 🙂

PS here’s a link to the article again: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/2020/12/20/how-to-find-a-gay-counsellor/

~ Jordan

Does your counsellor even need to be gay? And how do you actually find the right fit?

06/28/2021

Iced coffee has often been humorously stamped as a part of gay culture. 🏳️‍🌈

And although there are no actual statistics on the proportion of gay men who enjoy iced coffee, I can confirm that this post was written while sipping one.

Jokes aside, one of the counselling intake questions I ask people is if they consume caffeine regularly. I ask this question right alongside questions about other substances.

And there’s good reason for this. 💁‍♂️

While caffeine’s prevalence in many people’s everyday lives can make it seem like a neutral fixture, it's important to remember that it’s actually a powerful psychoactive substance.

So what are the ways caffeine might be affecting your mental health? 🤔

Read this article I wrote to learn what research suggests are the potential benefits and drawbacks of that iced coffee you might be sipping: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/2021/06/28/iced-coffee-gay-mental-health/

~ Jordan

Keep sipping while you read what research has to say on caffeine and mental health.

06/01/2021

The historical and current treatment of the Indigenous people of land now called Canada is a human rights astrocity.

For too long, our leaders have said performative words of allyship and failed to take meaningful action.

We at The Centre for Gay Counselling are done with this. We know our role as settlers and our responsibility to reconciliation. We’re hoping you’ll join us in learning more and doing better.

Indigenous crisis supports: https://www.lifevoice.ca/crisis-supports/indigenous-crisis-supports

Additional information for settlers: www.ONCANADAPROJECT.ca/SettlersTakeAction

05/31/2021

As pride season approaches again, I’ve been thinking about the research I did a few years ago on gay, bi, and q***r men’s experiences of holding hands in public.

One of the findings from these research interviews was that when some participants felt anxious or fearful about holding hands in public, they also reported feeling disappointed, sad, or ashamed about their fear or anxiety.

Why did this happen?

In this article I explain why I think some of the participants felt this way, and the implications this might have for some gay men.

You can check out the article here: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/2021/05/25/what-if-i-dont-feel-pride-as-a-gay-man/

~ Jordan

Research on emotions provides some surprising insights about feeling pride.

05/28/2021

These words were first published in 1997…

Brian McNaught in their book “Now That I’m Out What Do I Do?”

05/27/2021

\\ Do you ever beat yourself up for feeling a certain way? //

This issue comes up a lot. Not just for gay men, but men in general.

This is because many men were raised to believe some of these myths:

1️⃣ “Some emotions are bad, and others are good.”

2️⃣ “Emotions are irrational.”

3️⃣ “If you feel ashamed about a particular emotion, then you shouldn’t be feeling it.”

4️⃣ “If you're feeling an unwanted emotion, you should just try to ignore it and feel a different emotion.”

➡️ But in fact, the reality is:

1️⃣ Emotions might FEEL “good” or “bad,” but emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They’re morally neutral. Emotions are simply pieces of information that are trying to tell you something.

2️⃣ Emotions aren’t irrational. Emotions are an incredible ability we evolved to orient ourselves to the world and take action on a “gut” level without having to think too much. This ability is indispensable for split second decisions.

3️⃣ A “feeling about a feeling” is something we’ve learned in our past. These are called “secondary emotions,” or “meta-emotions.” Secondary emotions of shame can come from being shamed about feeling a particular way, expressing needs that others deemed unacceptable, or even for expressing who you are.

When you feel ashamed about a specific emotion, what you’re usually feeling is the discomfort of an adult from your past who didn’t know how to handle their own emotions, so they couldn’t handle yours.

The sad truth is that because men are often discouraged from expressing their feelings, they internalize the message that emotional expression is wrong. This belief can then be passed on to other men and boys who then repeat this same pattern.

This is where phrases like “man up” come from.

4️⃣ When you try to ignore an emotion, it will keep trying to get your attention. There is another option though. And that’s to learn how to listen to what your emotions are telling you sooner, and then deciding how you want to act based on your observations. Emotions are not a final destination, but they are a signpost worth stopping to look at along the way.

➡️ So how do you get better at “doing feelings?” The next time you feel some unwanted emotion, try observing it curiously and non-judgmentally. Imagine you’re like a scientist whose job is just to neutrally understand what’s going on. 🔬

With a bit of practice, sitting with your emotions in this way is often enough for them to be heard, and then just keep floating by like leaves on a stream. 🍂

Professional online counselling for gay men in Canada. 🏳️‍🌈🇨🇦

05/26/2021

This article is a concise and thoughtful explanation of why a lot of people seemingly go from identifying as straight to LGBTQ+ overnight.

Check it out: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/202104/why-do-some-people-think-they-are-straight-until-they-come

Colton Underwood of "The Bachelor" reveals much about us.

05/25/2021

Sometimes clients will ask us: “what use is talking about the past?”

And we get it! It’s totally understandable to want to get away from something distressing in your past.

But your brain will often have other plans for you.

Another way of putting the quote from this post is:

“We unconsciously repeat what we don’t consciously repair.”

When you’ve experienced a distressing or traumatic experience in the past, your brain can keep trying to resolve the original experience by guiding you into similar situations in the present.

Often, this looks like repeating specific relationship or behavioural patterns.

This is sometimes also called “trauma reenactment.”

One of the ways counselling helps is by bringing these patterns into awareness and allowing your brain and body the conscious space to process and move on from a traumatic or distressing experience so that you’re no longer stuck repeating the pain from your past.

If you’re ready to start your own process of repair, head over to our website and book a free consultation with one of our counsellors to get started: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/get-started/

05/24/2021

Have you ever wondered how to effectively raise an issue with someone close to you without it causing a fight?

It’s not a skill that many people learn when they’re younger, so if you don’t know how, you’re definitely not alone.

I’ve seen that this can be an especially difficult thing to do in romantic relationships for a lot of people.

So one of the skills I’ll help clients develop in relationship counselling is something called “gentle start-up.”

Gentle start-up is a simple formula for communicating that goes like this:

I feel (insert feelings), about (state an objective report of the issue), I need (insert a positive need).

Why is a gentle start-up so important when communicating?

Often times when something isn’t going right, people will do a “harsh start-up” to let someone else know that there’s a problem.

This usually involves criticism that invokes a defensive response from the other person.

Unsurprisingly, this communication pattern doesn’t typically solve much (not to mention that it usually feels terrible).

Here’s an example of what a harsh start-up might look like versus a gentle start-up:

You’re such a slob, why can’t you ever clean up the kitchen in the evening?

➡️ I’ve been feeling really stressed lately, and I feel even more stressed when I come home late from work and see dirty dishes in the sink. What would really help me is for the kitchen to be cleaned up on days when I’m working late so that I can totally relax when I come home.

See the difference?

This is just one of the skills I’ll practice in relationship counselling with clients from a counselling approach called The Gottman Method.

If you’d like to learn more about The Gottman Method, check out this article about the approach: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/2021/01/29/gottman-method/

~ Jordan

05/23/2021

Serene Sundays ~ These posts are a reminder to pause, take a deep breath, and check in with yourself in the present moment.

It’s common for gay men to constantly keep themselves busy.

This can also look like feeling anxious or bad about yourself if you’re not always “doing something.”

Maybe you can relate.

So why does this happen for gay men?

When gay men have been given the message that they’re not good enough because they’re gay, it can lead to feeling a need to prove your worth through constantly “doing.”

But we’ve got news for you.

You are enough just as you are in this present moment, even if there are things you want to achieve that you haven’t achieved yet. ❤️

Your worth is intrinsic.

You don’t have to do anything to earn your worth, and there’s nothing you can do to lose it.

So take a moment.

Pause.

Take a deep breath.

And check-in with yourself in the present moment.

If you notice something you don’t like or agree with, that’s okay.

Just notice curiously and nonjudgmentally.

You can notice something without agreeing.

Take a few more deep breaths as you just notice:

4 seconds breathing in through your nose.

4 seconds of holding your breath.

4 seconds breathing out through your mouth.

4 seconds of pausing before you breathe in again and repeat.

We hope that these posts will show the value of slowing down (even just for a moment).

What will you be doing to slow down and check in with yourself today? ❤️

05/22/2021

Soothing Saturdays ~ These posts are a reminder to pause, take a deep breath, and check in with yourself in the present moment.

It’s common for gay men to constantly keep themselves busy.

This can also look like feeling anxious or bad about yourself if you’re not always “doing something.”

Maybe you can relate.

So why does this happen for gay men?

When gay men have been given the message that they’re not good enough because they’re gay, it can lead to feeling a need to prove your worth through constantly “doing.”

But we’ve got news for you.

You are enough just as you are in this present moment, even if there are things you want to achieve that you haven’t achieved yet. ❤️

Your worth is intrinsic.

You don’t have to do anything to earn your worth, and there’s nothing you can do to lose it.

So take a moment.

Pause.

Take a deep breath.

And check-in with yourself in the present moment.

If you notice something you don’t like or agree with, that’s okay.

Just notice curiously and nonjudgmentally.

You can notice something without agreeing.

Take a few more deep breaths as you just notice:

➡️ 4 seconds breathing in through your nose.

➡️ 4 seconds of holding your breath.

➡️ 4 seconds breathing out through your mouth.

➡️ 4 seconds of pausing before you breathe in again and repeat.

We hope that these posts will show the value of slowing down (even just for a moment).

What will you be doing to slow down and check in with yourself today? ❤️

05/21/2021

This weekend, see if you can give yourself some space to take care of yourself. 🖤🤎❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

05/20/2021

When I’m working with a client through a confusing or difficult mix of emotions, we’ll often notice that there’s some shame or judgment about another emotion.

This is called a “secondary” or “meta” emotion.

Basically, it’s a feeling about a feeling.

These secondary emotions are learned from your social environment at an early age.

For example, you might love or hate a particular feeling.

But even if you love or hate a specific emotion, emotions can’t be “good” or “bad.”

Fundamentally, emotions are simply signals directing you toward what you need.

This is why emotions are actually morally neutral–they’re just information.

The problem with a secondary emotion that stifles other emotions is that it prevents other emotions from giving you important information about what you might need in the present, or what you might’ve needed in the past.

This stifling can then result in a sense of being “stuck” in a mix of feelings without having a clear understanding of the need attached to an emotion.

If you find that you have an automatic tendency to feel shame or judgment about some of your other emotions, know that this is a common pattern, particularly for gay men.

Sadly, many gay men have been shamed in some way about who they are, and this shame can become internalized.

Once shame is internalized, it can generalize to areas other than your identity, such as specific emotions.

Luckily, there are other ways you can interact with your emotions that are more useful.

When an emotion arises, you can just notice it, and then decide what you want to do, or not do, about it.

It’s through this nonjudgmental process of noticing that I’ve worked with many gay men to help them develop a new level of understanding and relationship with their emotions.

It can be incredibly freeing to confidently know that emotions can be used to your advantage versus feeling like emotions are using you.

If you’d like to develop a new level of understanding and relationship with your emotions, head over to my website to learn more about my approach, and The Centre for Gay Counselling: https://www.centreforgaycounselling.com/jordan-gruenhage/

~ Jordan