05/11/2015
Lately the flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares have really gotten bad. I find myself hard pressed to find the support I need right now which makes me feel so alone and afraid. Most of the memories I have, have been with with me all my life . I hate when public speakers or books or just people say that I may blown things out of proportion, or it wasn't as bad as I think it was.......how do you know. Does that make you feel better because it sure doesn't was make me feel better.
With my cancer back and my kidneys failing, I am in a lot of pain. I dread closing my eyes trying to stay awake for as long as I can, up to 2 or 3 nights until I have to sleep and then comes the night terrors. I wake up sometimes wet with sweat, holding me breath, frozen in my position, not crying out (I was very young when I learned there were consequences for doing so)shaking....it felt like things are just happening.
Here is an example; none of us were allowed to be held,cuddled, or to have any loving physical contact. Sometimes, I would borrow a stool from the kitchen. We were forbidden to remove them from the much because they were used for us when we had to peel potatoe. I would go up to some of the babies that were chewing on their cage (crib) crying constantly. I would put the stool down and patted the baby's tummy and they would stop crying and sometimes they'd smile. Whenever I got caught I was labelled a thief, Satan's child. I'd get spanked, put in the black corner, and at supper it was announced what I did, I had to eat standing up and had only porridge. I was 5 . 6 years old.
This is the mildest type of abuse that I could think of.
