23/07/2025
To the people who are grieving,
There are no words that can explain grief. Authors, poets, musicians, artists have tried to explain it since humans have had the ability to hold a pen. It has been documented but never fully explained. And it never can be, truly, because it is so different for everyone. Grief is not something that can be scheduled. It is an inconvenience to everyone, directly or indirectly. Grief isn't linear and isn't something you can make a comparison on. It looks different for every single person that experiences it. It comes completely unexpected, or it comes expected. As time moves forward, the unexpected grief shows up more often. A person can have 30 great days and all the sudden have a really bad day. They can have a year of great days, and the bad one will still show up. But the really bad day is so meaningful because it's needed to heal. There is no stuffing down grief. You can try your hardest, but it will come. It comes in different forms. And it comes in different periods of time. It has no regulations on its own because it does not care about the rules of life. There was a loss of life, so those rules of life go out the window. But people who are not you, will expect you to still navigate the rules of life, even when your game has changed and you are having to navigate both the rules of death and of life now.
It is impossible to understand how someone is feeling unless you have directly been in their shoes. Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a parent. Losing a parent is not the same as losing your best friend. Losing your best friend is not the same as losing a child. There is no comparison for losing someone that is close to you, regardless of the relationship. No one should make you feel as though you have to force the people in your life to understand. Because they won't. They never will. They are not you; they have never even put a toe into the shoes you wear. While it is your responsibility to communicate, it is not your responsibility to make them understand. They either will or won't, and what level is up to them and their own experiences. They will project on to you their own losses or will project on to you the fact that they have never lost. Some people will give you amazing advice; others will give you advice that is meaningless. And yet others will give you advice that is straight harmful.
Grief makes you feel isolated. You can be surrounded by 100 people and still feel alone. And you'll feel pressured to make every person in that room happy, comfortable, not aware of how you're feeling. And of those 100 people, only two will truly care about you enough to give you the space to let your guard down. Whether that means allowing you to speak, or allowing you the space to not speak. That is the reality. What most people don't understand is that grief isn't attention seeking. It isn't wanting every person to bring attention to the fact that you're going through it. Most of us don't want that attention at all. But what we do want is acknowledgement. There is a vast difference between acknowledgement and attention. We don't want people feeling bad for us, but we need people to accept that we are in a much different position than most people are.
No one gives you a handbook in how to deal with a significant loss. Especially if you are young. You will face people that only see the first few days or the first few weeks after death. For them, at that point life moves forward because they are not living in it constantly. You are. For you, life moves forward, but you're still stuck in time. The paperwork is endless. The handling accounts is endless. The figuring out life without that person is endless. There is still work to do regarding loss, even after the person is long gone. If you're fortunate, you can afford to hire someone to help you or have friends and family that will help you. If you're less fortunate, you're on your own. Even with help, you still have and need to do things on your own. That independence in grief is both time consuming and emotionally consuming, but it is necessary. Be prepared to face people who will not understand the value of the time or emotion that goes into learning to move forward. Be prepared that if you fall back on a task because you had to handle yourself, they will only see that you fell back. All that they will see is that inconvenience. They will not understand that tears do not mean a set back. They will not understand the value in crying. They will not understand that tears come in all forms- happiness, sadness, utter despair, or a need to just release. They will also not understand when you don't cry.
So for the people that are actively grieving, I don't mean any of this to discourage you. But it is a reality no one prepares you for. Feel grief in a way that you know in your heart is necessary for your own healing. You can rely on other people for a lot of things, but actual raw emotions of handling your new life, you have to deal with on your own. Take your own space. Demand it. Ruffle feathers if you need to. They will be okay, and you will be okay. But take that space. Don't let yourself feel that you have to abide by someone else's opinion of grief. It is not theirs to handle. It is yours.
