11/17/2025
How do we “befriend” parts of ourselves? The answer is: the same way we befriend anyone. We show interest and curiosity — we want to know what makes the other person tick — their likes and dislikes, fears and fantasies, habits and growing edges.
That means listening — really hearing this other being. To learn how to listen to our parts entails a radical leap of faith and a willingness to believe that our distressing feelings, thoughts, behavior, impulses, images and dreams represent communications from parts. Rather than assuming that shame is evidence of our defectiveness, we be curious about it:
“Notice that feeling of shame as the ashamed part trying to talk to you—notice what she’s trying to tell you. Is she feeling responsible for the angry part? Or is the judgmental part making her feel bad about herself? What is she saying?”
“If that dream were a communication from some part of you, what would that part be trying to say?”
As clients gradually increase their ability to befriend the parts, we can begin the work of developing internal trust and connection. Whether we are talking about our internal relationships or relationships with significant others, our attempts to induce others to change are dependent upon establishing trust and connection, and building trust and connection is dependent upon how well we “get it.”
In Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, as well as in Richard Schwartz’ Internal Family Systems, we “befriend” parts and gradually earn their trust by using mindfulness-based techniques focused on moment-to-moment awareness of the ebb and flow of thoughts, feelings, bodily responses and parts of the personality. Mindfulness helps us to increase the capacity for curiosity and interest, for compassion, for calm in the body, for dual awareness and perspective. A mindfulness-based perspective encourages noticing more than narrating.
