05/09/2025
(ETA: This is not a post regarding my personal life as a parent. My child's school are incredibly supportive and wonderful educators.)
I was not surprised at a recent PSG when I asked about a child's provided autonomy that the adults (professionals) in the room didn't know what I meant.
We were in a discussion about the reward system being used at the school for non speaking autistic children. Rewards were provided when the students would comply with instructions. I asked were the students permitted to opt out of activities during the day, or say no, or ask questions.
"We expect them to always have a go..at least" said one adult in response.
"I'm curious about how you might know when a student wants to opt out, or isn't up to participating" I said, genuinely..
"Why would they want to opt out, though?" asked said adult
"For any of the same reasons we might..those of us who are readily able to verbally express that we're not feeling well, we have a headache, we're in pain, we're tired, we're scared or anxious..any of those things and more". said I, in response.
"We expect them to at least have a go" was the response again.
I was then asked to clarify what I meant.
I spoke to the educators about communication being more than vocal words, AAC, or any other visuals. Communication for non speaking autistic people can be the way they move, the sounds they make, the facial expressions they pull, just as it is with any people. We all have varying expressive ways of showing joy, sadness, etc.
My 14 year old will jump up and down, landing on the ground really hard and looking at me with big, bright, intense brown eyes. That's one of her signs of becoming frustrated. Other times she'll spin around in a circle, letting us know she's becoming anxious. Others who don't have a relationship with her might see those same moves and think she's having fun, dancing, or just enjoying jumping and spinning.
It is so important to pay attention to the communication of others, outside of the communication we're accustomed to tuning in to.
"How will one of your students know when and if they're allowed to say No, and be heard and respected?" I asked.
"Well, once they at least have a go, they can then sit down or move away" was the response.
I asked "How are we providing moments for the students to learn, and feel assured that they have the right to say "No" safely because they just need to say No?"
I was not being understood. The adults were genuinely confused.
When we reward students for their compliance ("having a go", even when we don't want to is compliance), we risk rewarding a student for overlooking their own needs, intuition, and safety. We teach them to overlook and dismiss what they want and need. This is particularly dangerous in the wider world where predators exist, and they do exist.
Predators exist and they seek out vulnerable people. Our non speaking autistic children are particularly vulnerable and if we could take a moment to think about a scenario in which a child is asked to comply with something they don't want to, but have been taught they are to comply with, we can imagine how this might play out.
"They'll move into employment one day, and if they can't comply with instructions, they'll be in trouble" said the same educator.
"..and how will they know when they're being taken advantage of, or harassed, or bullied in the workplace? How will they know when they can say No? How are we teaching them that they're not going to be in trouble if they say No to something unsafe? How will they know that their employment is not more important than their right to safety?" I asked.
It is not over the top, or dramatic to take classroom instructions and apply them to wider world experiences. In fact, it's very realistic.
Providing a realistic experience; many experiences, where non speaking (in fact, all children; all people of all ages!) the opportunity to say No, and to be praised for tuning into their right to exercise choice is important.
When we reward children only for compliance, we risk setting them up for grooming.
It's a hard reality, but it needs to be said over and over and over.
We do our coming generations a huge disservice by only teaching them to comply, without question.
One of the most important things we can teach our children is how to say No with certainty and be heard.
Our greatest challenge, however, is teaching adults that they are safe when children say No to them.
KF
(Image: KF takes a close-up selfie during a snowy outdoor outing. She’s wearing a beige knit beanie, round glasses, and a black winter jacket with a tassel detail. She smiles gently at the camera. In the background, one adult and one child walk across a damp asphalt surface, both dressed in winter gear. Snow covers the surrounding trees, and a “P3” sign is visible near a blue barrier. The image captures a peaceful, wintry moment.)
