10/27/2025
How To Discern Whether Your Unbalanced Relationship Is Fixable- Or Not
Pop psychology uses a lot of lingo to describe various imbalances in relationship:
Overfunctioning/ Underfunctioning
Narcissist/ Codependent
Neurotypical/ Neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, etc)
Caregiver/ Disabled care receiver
Falsely empowered/ Disempowered
One up/ One down
Giver/ Taker
Perpetrator/ Victim
But all of these tend to refer to different ways power dynamics play out, giving and receiving happens (or not), and who controls who in relationships. In healthy relationships, giving and receiving are reciprocal, if not in a bean-counting literal way (some will provide more beans, others may provide more nurture emotionally), then at least in a Gestalt sort of way. I always say that as long as both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the relational deal, things are probably pretty fair and balanced, and there’s a lot of gratitude floating around.
But when things get too unbalanced for too long, resentment builds. Entitlement can run high. One person’s needs may be sacrificed at the expense of someone else’s. And when we throw our own parts under the bus for long enough, relationsickness is all but inevitable. If you’re not getting your needs met in a relationship, or if you’re doing most of the grunt work of adulting and someone else is benefitting from how easy you make their life, or if you’re working your tail off and someone else is freeloading, or if you’re simply a burned out caregiver, it’s not easy on your nervous system, body, spirit, or life force. As Jeff Rediger and I are writing about in our book, these kinds of unbalanced relationships can make you relationsick- either physically or with regard to your mental and spiritual health.
But not all unbalanced relationships are created equal. In next week’s IFS community of practice around relationships LOVE SCHOOL, we’ll be talking about these various types of relational imbalances- and what you can and can’t do to rebalance them.
In our book Relationsick, which comes out Fall 2026, we’ve divided up unbalanced relationships into 4 categories, which are predictive of whether they’re receptive to healing and rebalancing, so you can discern whether it’s possible to achieve optimal health while staying in a relationship or whether the severity of the imbalance is too extreme to be compatible with good health. Let me review those categories here.
Level 1 Relationships
In these unbalanced relationships, there’s no malice, no abuse, and no exploitation. There’s just one person with greater capacity, caregiving someone else with less capacity. Maybe an able-bodied person gives more to a disabled person, who would love to be doing more to help the other but is physically incapable of doing so. Or maybe someone neurotypical with efficient executive processing does more of the mental load and task organization (overfunctioning) for someone who has ADHD and really struggles with executive functioning, causing them to underfunction and leaving the overfunctioner burned out, resentful, and relationsick. In Level 1 relationships, there’s no obvious power imbalance, even though the differences in ability can make it appear so. Nobody is going significantly “one up” and nobody is getting dressed down or going down a notch.
Remember, someone disabled or neurodivergent can still go “one up” or “one down.” If so, that kicks them up to a Level 2 relationship. In Level 1, the treatment for relationsickness is clear and simple- when possible, get additional support for the one who’s giving too much, so they can get a break, avoid burnout, and focus on their own healing and recovery.
Level 2 Relationships
The second level is one of the most common kinds of unbalanced relationship. This would be the classic one up/ one down (narcissist/ codependent, powerful/ powerless, give too much/ take too much) power dynamic. But to classify as Level 2, there needs to be no extreme patterns of manipulation, coercive control, and Machiavellian intention to exploit someone else. There also needs to be no criminality- no domestic violence, sexual assault, theft, con artistry, fraud, etc. Level 2 can still include disabled folks or those who are neurotypical or neurodivergent. Those issues are separate from the power issues at the heart of Level 2 relationships.
It’s our position- and couples therapist Terry Real agrees with us- that many willing, cooperative Level 2 relationships can be healed, and relationsickness can get better, if you have two people willing to do the relational recovery work to rebalance the power dynamics. One person has to be willing to come down from their one up position and get off their high horse. The other has to be willing to step up, out of shame and disempowerment, to get into relational health. It definitely takes two, and if only one person is willing to do the work, the relationship is unlikely to get better enough to improve relationsickness.
Level 3 Relationships
This is a Level 2 relationship- plus coercive control, but without other criminal behaviors. Coercive control is a crime in Connecticut, the UK, and several other places, and it should be a crime everywhere IMHO. But it’s not. When a relationship is marked by coercive control, healing from relationsickness becomes all but impossible.
Coercive control is a pattern of domination in which one person seeks to entrap another in an ongoing system of subjugation through psychological, emotional, financial, or physical means. Coercive control operates through chronic, subtle tactics—such as gaslighting, intimidation, isolation, surveillance, and the erosion of autonomy—that gradually strip the victim of their sense of freedom, safety, and self-worth. It’s not defined by how loud or visible the abuse is, but by its cumulative effect: a relationship dynamic in which one person’s will, choices, and identity become increasingly constrained by fear, manipulation, or dependency.
Victims of coercive control, which describes almost all cult members, need to get out from under someone’s thumb before their nervous system is likely to be calm enough to allow the body’s natural self-healing mechanisms to kick in. If you stay in a coercive control situation, your nervous system will simply be too jacked up to let your body heal, no matter how much medical care you get.
Level 4 Relationships
If add other criminal behaviors to coercive control, such as r**e, assault, stealing your money, committing fraud, money laundering, labor trafficking, and such, you’ve got a Level 4 relationship. The treatment for Level 3 and Level 4 relationships is to get professional help, get law enforcement and lawyers involved when necessary, seek out social services, and get safe. Relationsickness is unlikely to get better until victims of Level 3 or 4 relationships are removed and brought into safer situations, where their nervous systems can finally relax enough for the body’s natural self healing mechanisms to flip back on.
Unbalanced relationships don’t just refer to romantic relationships. You can have Level 1, 2, 3, or 4 dynamics with a parent, a sibling, a close friend, a boss or employee, or a mentor, healer, shaman, priest, or therapist who abuses their power. Regardless of the form of the unbalanced relationship, it can make you sick, as we’ll explain in more detail in our book and in our upcoming LOVE SCHOOL gatherings.
Wherever your relationships fall, if you’re in an unbalanced relationship, and especially if you’re relationsick because of it, my heart goes out to you. I hope you get the support and empathy you need to be optimally healthy, happy, and whole.
We’ll be previewing some of the content from our book in LOVE SCHOOL on Monday. We’d love to see you there! I'll post the link in the comments below in case you want to join us.
