Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW Help for parenting, family life, relationships and individual issues: www.yoursocialworker.com, He/Him All services are provided using ZOOM.

Working from my home in Keswick, Ontario, I provide a range of counseling and conflict resolution (peacemaking) services to support people and their relationships.

02/22/2026

I had Power of Attorney (POA) for my mom with regard to healthcare decisions.

Mom invested that in me knowing it would be easier for me to effect difficult decisions. I never had to exercise it.

However, I did help her with the process and appointments for MAiD. Along the way, I communicated each step with my two brothers (and respective families).

We were open about the process which allowed for everyone's support of my mother as well as everyone's opportunity to process what was happening.

I attended mom's assessment meetings with the two physicians who would determine capacity and criteria for MAiD. The content of those meetings were also shared with my brothers and families.

The open process truly allowed for everyone's adjustment. This is not to say it was easy, but people were able to understand what was happening and how it was facilitated.

Mom chose to pass at home. That meant also having funeral arrangements in place and arrangements for pickup and transferring of her remains. I managed that too.

We, as a family walked with her through all aspects of her passing. We were there for each other as well as for her.

I could only wish so positive an experience for others. However, I am not that naive and know for some this process is fraught with tension and conflict.

Hopefully though, where the process or acceptance is problematic, communication can still be had. For the most part communication can facilitate collaboration if not acceptance.

For more challenging situations, then it may require boundaries and managing a tighter flow of information. Of course people can also be self-selecting and choose more limited conversation to manage big feelings that may occur.

Knowing one's death date. It certainly puts a focus on what's important.

The value of managing the process with an appreciation of the impact on everyone, is not only good for them, but is in the interest of the person choosing MAiD.

We want their passing to be as smooth as possible and respectful of their wishes. It's about them, our loved one.

02/22/2026

I'm not into hockey, but even I'm watching.

02/22/2026

God and faith is not something I typically discuss.

I do however discuss behavior.

My view is that I will not truly know you through the beliefs you profess to hold or follow.

I will however come to know you by what you do.

Behavior speaks louder of the person than their expression of faith.

With some, there is quite a distance between the faith they profess and the behavior they engage in.

Behavior shows me who you are.

I believe behavior.

02/22/2026

Coming from the same family does not mean we have the same experience of that family.

As children we enter our parents lives at different points in their life.

Our parents experience us and parent us in the context of their growing up experiences, the demands of the time when we arrive and the experience they may or may not have gained depending on our birth order.

Then of course there is our temperament and particular unique differences causing us to be cared for differently, one child from another.

So even from the same family, our experience of that same family can be remarkably different.

Add to that gender biases, illnesses, hardships of the day and our experience of our family, compared to that of our siblings can be so radically different.

Remember this when a sibling expresses a different perspective on growing up in the family.

It can be radically different, for better or for worse.... or just different.

It is not something to be argued.

It is something to be understood.

02/22/2026

Mom had already had friends who chose medically assisted death. She wasn't new to the concept or impact.

When she was diagnosed with colon cancer, her mind was already made up. Her family doctor spoke of the medical treatments. I was there and raised the thought of medically assisted death. Mom was a hundred. My raising it opened the door for her to speak of it to her doctor.

I didn't get the feeling he was quite in favor of it. He referred her to an oncologist surgeon to discuss all her options and said she could ask him further about MAiD (Medically Assisted Death in Dying).

We went, she heard her options and she asked about MAiD. It's a legal option in Canada and requires two interviews with different physicians. I supported mom through the process. My brothers and families were supportive. We were fortunate.

It wouldn't be everyone's choice for any number of reasons. That's OK.

However, to know one's preferences requires a conversation. For some, that is a difficult conversation.

Those in a position of seeking MAiD may be fearful of upsetting their adult children. The adult kids may feel awkward and don't want to be perceived as wishing or promoting death. The whole topic of death itself can be awkward.

Where it may be contemplated but difficult to discuss, a forthright conversation is likely still necessary. For many this comes when a loved one is already facing a terrible illness and challenging treatment options. It is all quite painful.

If having difficulty discussing, consider using a social worker to support the conversation. If in hospital, there is likely someone on staff who can assist.

We all leave this world. The only question is how.

Many of us wish for a quiet and uneventful departure, hopefully in our sleep.

Truth is, something like that can be facilitated.

Mom chose to have our entire family present, upon our offer. We were all there. We were among the fortunate. Love filled the room. We saw her off.

On the one hand our experience was wonderful, on the other, we still felt our grief and mourned. MAiD doesn't spare the pain of loss, it just facilitates a smooth and painless transition.

Ours certainly won't be everyone's experience.

Death is deeply personal. If you think it is something to be considered for yourself or a loved one, have the conversation.

"There is something I have been thinking about, it's difficult to discuss, but..."

Go there if you or a loved one consider it an option. Talk with kin. Work it through. Come to whatever resolution for whatever reason.

Be patient when discussing. There can be many diverse views attached. Listen, don't argue. Be curious. It's rarely at a good time, yet important.

With deep respect.

02/21/2026

Sometimes people say, it's complicated.

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

When not, it may be just gaslighting to explain away responsibility.

02/21/2026

I was at a local store shopping for groceries in our small community.

I was apologized to three times by people in the isles as I was walking through. They each moved their cart to the side.

So Canadian.

Love it, eh!

02/21/2026

Question:

Should children be made to apologize? I brought a kindergarten student to the office for biting another student. The consequence given by the principal was for him to come back later and tell her something good he did. I asked if there was something he needed to say to his friend. She said to him, "I can't make you apologize. That is something you do if you want to." He was 4. Shouldn't he be taught how to show empathy by apologizing and mend the friendship?

Answer:

In restorative justice we want the person offending to hear and understand the impact of their behavior on the person they hurt or offended.

We hope that builds empathy and then the result of empathy and appreciating the impact of the hurt, we hope that person would apologize spontaneously.

It's not a forced but rather a facilitated apology.

We typically seek the same for the preschooler or young child.

We seek to help them understand the impact of their behavior and teach how to accept responsibility and then correct for the misdeeds.

This helps restore and maintain relationships and good feelings between people.

It helps the little one to more likely grow into a caring, respectful and responsible adult.

02/21/2026

Seek not to demean but elevate.

Seek not to attack but be curious.

Seek not to assume but clarify.

Seek not to divide but unify.

Seek not to fault but resolve.

Seek not to stir hate but spread love.

For others to be of their better self, bring yours.

02/21/2026

A fellow told me recently their son was gay. I asked how they responded when their son came out. The reply was that their son was the same person they loved the day before, so nothing changed. Perfect answer.

02/21/2026

Mom was so good at explaining why the behavior was offensive to her child.

She was also good at still providing a consequence as well as having the child apologize or clear up the issue, depending on the situation.

Thing is, the issues continued.

My guidance was simple. Drop the explanation. No discussion.

Go straight to her choice of consequence as well as the follow up of having the child apologize or clear things up.

Interestingly, now there was more pushback from the child, but mom followed through. No explanation.

Within just a few days, something changed. The behaviors that led to issues stopped.

Indeed, rather than misbehavior, the child was better mannered and engaged the parent with positive conversations about their day and questions about life.

Mom responded to these. The child was better mannered and appeared happier.

It an old issue in parenting. Kids appreciate their parents attention. They will seek it and receive it one way or another.

All that explanation to issues of behavior was actually providing the attention and connection the child sought. While not great, it was worth the additional consequence the child experienced.

Without the attention, the child soon figured out another strategy for gaining attention that didn't involve a negative consequence. It even felt better and both mother and child.were happier.

It's not uncommon for a parent(s).and child to get caught up in circular patterns of behavior that just keep going.

Interrupting the pattern allowed for a new one to emerge.

It's weird when talking and explaining reasonably can be part of the problem. It happens.

It's also not uncommon for parents to look for more deep seated explanations of behavior and then more intense or complicated solutions.

Sometimes it is as simple as this, yet overlooked.

It took a therapist talking with the parent and not the child to sort this out.

The parent was resistant at first, given their desire to be kind and thoughtful. Once they realized they could still be kind and thoughtful but more choosy as to when and with what behavior, things changed quickly.

02/20/2026

I remember the images of Saddam Hussein, found hiding in a hole in the ground and his bronze statue dragged to the dirt. I see another world leader with a similar fate.

Address

Keswick, ON

Telephone

+19056284847

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on LinkedIn
Share on Pinterest Share on Reddit Share via Email
Share on WhatsApp Share on Instagram Share on Telegram

Category

Our Story

Hi folks. I work from my home in Keswick, Ontario. People can see me in person or through video conferencing worldwide. I provide a range of counseling and conflict resolution (peacemaking) services to support people, families, relationships and children. Need help? Please see my services and fees on my website: www.yoursocialworker.com