09/28/2024
When children have mothers that never accepted them for who or what they were they learn to hate themselves unconditioally. They have to find the love from a mother in strangers and that I did at times. When I was abandoned strangers friends came out of no where to save my life and guide my path forwards. It s sad knowing at 37 tht no matter how kind I am loving compassionate happy upbeat caring empathic I can ot change how my mother sees me. It is an old verso and needs to be updated by more then 20 years. Even having three degrees i nsocial work I canot change the dydamic that was created around me when I was 7. Raising disabled children can lead to dysfunctional family dydamics. Its lso hard to have a mother that refuses to let you have a disability. She does not live in any reality so it would not matter what I said. All she can do now is try to tell me im a horrible person. Or abuse me verbally about my disability. I knew I could no longer have my mother when she " the day you cant walk up the stairs into my house is the day you are no loonger welcome. She does ot accept me and I hav done nothing to deserve it. She can hang on to old delussions to justify her behaviour but its not going to cange the fact that she rejected me years now. I must love my body and disability as I am now. I also cannot read my mother I am very unsure if she feels normal emotions for me becuase it seems out of stress fatique or a mental break she had to turn off all her emtions towards me. All interactions are hurtful and unessarrry, and everyone in my family denies it leaving me to feel crazy. It is hard to loose your mother in this way because she is still alive and you desperatel want to reach out to her and say " I love you- I am not your enemy. She started even saying that I was 37 and did not need a mother I was not baby. I just wanted an adult relationship with my mother. I know alot of trama created this but soetimes I wish love could win. Hate resentment I wish that could all disapear and the belief system that I am a burden. I only see my family on christmas and they cant even agree on who is picking me up because they find the task to me a burden bc of my walker. I am grateful for my adobted family that taught me I was funny lovig amazing and nothing about my disability was a problem and there was no need to yell and scream and me or physically hurt me in anyay. I have to let this story die. It is the past. I have big things cming. It swhy I didnt die. I am writing a book I am making a youtube channel called the little enlightened one. If you were a victim of arrristic abuse know it was a spiritual test to make you a warrior.
