Renée Willis: Freed & On Fire

05/04/2026

We talk a lot about red flags and they certainly have their value. Yet, we also need to know what is healthy as well. It may sound odd but many of us never had it so telling us to go forth and be happy which means knowing healthy is kinda cruel because we do not know what that looks like. So here are some examples of what that looks like in a relationship. Of course we will need to learn emotional regulation skills, and how to communicate effectively. And yes, how to do conflict because in healthy relationships there will be conflict! :-)

And if you find yourself relating to this struggle, I wish I could give you a tender nurturing hug because it means that you did not get your needs met when you were very little and on-ward. Many will never understand that. I do. And there is so much sadness you would be feeling in a forever kind of way, even though you are moving forward to create happiness in your container.

Go easy, but bring love with you always.

Warmth, clarity and you - the heart behind Freed And On Fire Counselling.
Renee Willis

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐨𝐛𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬. 𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬.

You pause before reacting defensively. Instead of immediately protecting yourself or counterattacking, you give yourself a second to actually hear what they're saying.

You communicate your needs directly instead of testing them. You stop creating little scenarios to see if they'll prove their love and just say what you need.

You can trust without needing constant reassurance. Their "I love you" this morning still counts this afternoon. You don't need them to prove it every few hours.

You take responsibility for your own emotions. You stop making them responsible for fixing how you feel or blaming them when you're struggling.

You stay present during conflict instead of shutting down or running away. You don't disappear for days or close off completely when things get hard.

You believe people when they show you who they are. You stop making excuses for behavior that doesn't match their words. You trust what you see, not what you hope for.

Healing doesn't mean you never get triggered. It means you respond differently when you do.

05/04/2026

I think we do talk about it but we need to talk more honestly about it. We tend to dance around it, excuse it even. I have heard many interesting ways to normalize it but in truth it is unhealthy behavior - you are not born that way. And we enable it often because we don't know better. However we need to call it out even when we understand why someone is acting the way they are acting. People act with unhealthy behavior as a way to manage, not well, their hardships and unresolved wounds. And yes, there is a pain story there that will break hearts however they are responsible for how their affect our lives. So we need to call it unhealthy behavior, emotional abuse, abuse, etc. And saying the correct language is powerful.

Warmth, clarity and you - the heart behind Freed and On Fire Counselling
Renee Willis

💯

05/03/2026

It’s no longer dismissing your needs just to be in a relationship.

05/02/2026

Something different today. 🧠☝️❤️

05/01/2026

This book saw me (and the person I love) more clearly than I ever did. I picked up I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me because I was exhausted. Not sleepy-exhausted. Soul exhausted. I kept getting whiplash from someone I loved, one day I was their whole world, the next I was the enemy. When I first heard the title, I almost laughed and cried at the same time. That’s exactly what it feels like on the other side of the table.

Let me be honest: reading this book hurt. In a good way, but still hurt. Because Kreisman and Straus don’t just throw around the term “borderline personality disorder” like a diagnosis-shaped gr***de. They walk you through real case examples, like “Marilyn,” who slashed her wrists after her therapist went on vacation, then screamed she hated her when she came back. I recognized that terrifying, desperate logic immediately. It wasn’t crazy. It was pain dressed up as fury.

The third edition also covers newer brain research, smaller amygdalas, overactive insulas—which actually made me cry. Not because I’m a science nerd, but because for the first time, I saw proof that the person I love isn’t choosing to be this way. Their brain literally floods with threat signals during a minor disagreement. That changed everything for me.

If I have one complaint: some of the patient stories still feel a little “1980s psychiatric ward,” and I wanted even more on how BPD looks different in men (since men often get misdiagnosed with anger disorders or PTSD). But honestly? That’s a small grip. The book gave me language I didn’t have before.

I’m not going to pretend everything is fixed now. But I stopped taking the “I hate you” parts so personally. And I started setting one tiny boundary they suggest, saying “I’ll come back in 20 minutes when we’re both calmer”—and for the first time, they didn’t chase me. They waited.

If you’re confused, heartbroken, or just tired of walking on eggshells, read this. Not as a weapon. As a map.

5 Lessons That Actually Stuck With Me

1. The “I hate you” rarely means hate, it means “I’m terrified you’ll leave.”
There’s a line in the book that hit me like a truck: “The borderline patient often attacks precisely because abandonment feels imminent.” I used to hear rage. Now I try to hear terror. Doesn’t make the rage okay. But it stops me from spiraling into my own hurt.

2. Splitting isn’t manipulation, it’s emotional survival.
They describe how people with BPD can’t hold “good” and “bad” in the same person at the same time. So you’re either the perfect rescuer or a monster. I used to feel crazy trying to defend myself. Now I see it’s not about me. It’s about a mind trying to stay safe by oversimplifying. That alone took 50 pounds off my shoulders.

3. Validation first, problem-solving never first.
The book taught me the “VAL” technique (Voice, Affect, Listen) and I tried it during an actual meltdown. Instead of saying “you’re overreacting,” I said “You are really scared right now. I get why you’d feel that way based on what happened before.” They blinked like I’d spoken a foreign language, then calmed down way faster than usual. Validation is like emotional CPR.

4. Boundaries are not cruelty; they are love in structure.
There’s a whole chapter on the “SET” system (Support, Empathy, Truth). The truth part is the boundary. Kreisman gives an example: “I care about you, and I see you’re suffering, but I will not stay on the phone if you scream at me.” That’s not abandonment. That’s teaching safety. I had to learn that desperate boundaries feel mean, but without them, we both drown.

5. Recovery is real, but it’s not a DIY project.
This third edition made me cry because they say straight up: “Love alone does not cure BPD.” They talk about DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and how it actually rewires emotional responses over time. I used to think if I just loved harder, tried softer, stayed longer, it would fix things. That’s a beautiful lie. The hope isn’t my martyrdom. The hope is them getting real help, and me getting real boundaries. Together.

This book didn’t save my relationship. But it saved me in the relationship. And sometimes, that’s the only place you can start.

BOOK: https://amzn.to/4vZh4tj

Enjoy the audio book with FREE trial using the link above. Use the link to register on audible and start enjoying!

05/01/2026

Whoa, wow.

Here is to all the recovering people pleasers, which is one of the most painful trauma adaptations to live. To belong means to have something of value to give to another, it means cutting off your own needs to attend to another and it started when you were a child. However, now it’s time to learn how to change that pattern and get your brain to rest with knowing what healthy love looks like and feels like.

Warmth, clarity and you,
Renee

Some of us learned love as labor first.

We became the calm one.
The useful one.
The one who knew what everyone needed before they had to ask.

And now the work is stranger than survival:

letting ourselves be loved
without performing a function.

Stay if you’re learning that too.
—

05/01/2026

And we all crave intimacy. It’s a need actually. Some try and get it through gossip because they do not know how to do it in a healthy way. Some do it by taking about negative things, complaining because they do not know how to do it in a healthy way.

Warmth, clarity and you,
Renee Willis

05/01/2026

Believe it or not, we hate busy yes? The kind where we are overwhelmed, busy. But the truth is subconsciously we can create a state of busy to not stop and feel. Though overwhelmed feels horrible, it’s less horrible than feeling our push down truths.

Warmth, clarity and you - the heart behind Freed and On Fire Counselling,
Renee Willis

It’s easy to call it productivity.

To fill your days, stay moving, keep yourself just busy enough that you don’t have to sit with what’s actually on your mind. Because slowing down means being honest. About what’s working, what isn’t, and what you’ve been avoiding.

And that part isn’t comfortable.

But eventually, the quiet catches up with you. And when it does, it’s not there to overwhelm you, it’s there to show you what’s ready to change.

04/30/2026

When you read someone's emotions and it makes your feel not safe, it means unresolve trauma.

04/30/2026

We all have emotions that can be put into 2 categories! Comfortable emotions and uncomfortable emotions. Why are we telling ourselves or telling others 'not to be sad' or 'it is not nice to be angry'? I have witness this for years and years when asking another how they are doing they respond with 'fine'. And fine is a clever way to not truly answer though it often means not good at all. In some cases fine is a give up word that means I have tried and I am tired and I do not have hope that things will get better. Yet we are afraid to tell the truth because of judgement, platitudes, shaming, etc.

I remember growing up in church and when the adults would ask each other how they were doing, they would never tell the truth. They would say 'fine' or 'good' because they had fear of being judged that they were doing something wrong 'as a Christian' if they were suffering. (this is not a post to pick on any religion rather to talk about the facts that we are suffering alone, and it needs to stop because it's a lie and that we need each other to share our sorrows because all humans struggle and yet what is mentioned is manageable when shared with other healthy humans.)

A large percentage of people that are struggling with hard emotions is because of believing in this lie. So today, let's do a 'emotional trim' and cut off the lie that to suffer means we are defective, a failure. To suffer means we are human. And then let's learn then on how to show our emotions with safe people so that we can hold hands and hearts through this life to make it something beautiful even when it is not feeling very beautiful.

Warmth, clarity and you - this is the heart behind Freed And On Fire Counselling,
Renee Willis

04/29/2026

So who takes care of you? 💔❤️‍🩹