05/22/2025
Eating Disorder’s have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses. Below is a perfect description of an eating disorder and what is needed from a parent/caregiver:
Everything about an eating disorder is counterintuitive… makes absolutely no sense.
The best way I can describe it is…
It’s like a terrorist, a demon, has entered your home, has HIJACKED your loved ones’s brain, taken it captive, and has given them a set of rules that they need to live by…
the terrorist is also shouting demands for the entire family.
It’s often very confusing… Because our loved ones are changed right in front of us. We may not have even seen the terrorist take up residence in our home. The brain has changed. It often looks like our loved ones are possessed. In a trance.
The terrorist’s rules often look like… eat only this, don’t eat that, don’t eat fat, sugar, meat, dairy, carbs… often times there are parameters that they can only eat a certain amount of calories per day, certain times of day, they must exercise, purge, manipulate or engage in some behavior if they eat.
If they eat, they must get rid of it. At all costs.
They will only be loved and adored, if they are thin. Everything is about pursuit of thinness, leaness, and is often done in the name of “Health“.
Health, being fit, can be the perfect disguise for the terrorist. You never see it coming.
If your loved one violates the rules, the terrorist beats them up. Tells them they are not valued, not worthy, that they are fat, ugly, worthless, do not deserve to live. So loved ones try as hard as they can to comply with the rules in effort to quiet the noise, the chaos in their head… in an effort to be loved, have life… to please the terrorist. To be PERFECT.
If you try to interfere with them complying with the rules, they scream they’ll hate you, they’ll never forgive you…
They may even threaten violence, engage in violence.
The demands, are to back away, let them be, only buy the foods they’re willing to eat (no fat, low fat, sugar, free, lots of lean protein, fruit/vegetables), only prepare the foods the way they approve, or maybe they refuse to eat any foods you prepare, and will only eat the food if they make it.
Pease know that the venom, the violence, silent treatment, the isolation, is the terrorist, trying to get you to back away, to allow the terrorist to steal your loved.
The terrorist knows exactly what to say and do to get us to comply with its demands…
FEAR is the psychological weapon underlying the acts of terrorism.
Our loved ones fear that they won’t be Valued, loved, worthy, included, perfect. That they will be fat.
Our fear that our loved one will be unhappy and hate us…
Our fear that our loved one will be overweight and unhealthy…
Often paralyzes us. Silences us.
The more you accommodate the terrorist, comply with the rules, the stronger the terrorist, the eating disorder, gets.
We need to intentionally break every single rule, establish concrete boundaries that are applied with compassion and conviction, that support loved ones to get the care that they need and deserve.
Our goal must be to evict the terrorist and get them well… at all costs.
Not to make them happy, not to preserve the relationship… All of those will come as a byproduct of wellness.
If we do nothing, accommodate the demands of the terrorist, back away, we are sending the very clear message that we agree with the terrorist… And the terrorist will grow much stronger, very quickly… And will be much harder to evict.
Silence says we agree. Lack of action says there’s no concern.
It is our ACTION that conveys concern, urgency, seriousness.
It is our boundaries that preserve life. Boundaries that are established very quickly and are concretely enforced, with feet firmly planted, no movement
There can be no negotiation.
Once you start negotiating, the journey will get much harder.
Negotiating with terrorists encourages more terrorism…
Reinforces that the terrorist is in control.
The terrorist, the eating disorder, wins when we negotiate.
Nothing reinforces it’s not that serious, like when we negotiate.
It’s also important to know that the terrorist will often come up with a new game plan, a new strategy, change its mask, change its face… We always have to be watching… Especially in the midst of the journey.
We must convey that we love them so much… And that they have our promise we will do whatever is necessary to get them the care and support that they need and deserve to be free of the eating disorder… To be well.
To eradicate the terrorist.
Life stops until they eat. That must be the approach. It’s like they have been diagnosed with stage four brain cancer… they do not have the ability to see how compromise they are, and you need to make sure that they take the chemo, the food, six times a day in order for them to achieve remission.
This is exactly what it’s like navigating an eating disorder. Do not let anything interfere with the taking the chemo, the food they need, high calorie, high fat food, six times a day.
Also… The food must be the food they need, not the food they want. Because remember, if you buy the food they want, serve the food they want, you’re accommodating the terrorist, you’re giving the terrorist a seat at the table, making it comfortable, and your confirming that the terrorist is right by serving the food it demands.
I get it… You rationalize well at least they’re eating something… And what you don’t understand is that every moment that they’re experiencing an energy deficit, negative energy balance, following the rules and commands of the eating disorder, is the FORTIFICATION of the eating disorder.
It’s also important to understand that the inability to see that they are sick, that they are being held hostage by a terrorist, is a symptom of the eating disorder. It is inherent. This unawareness, blindness, protects the terrorist….gives it oxygen.
➡️ Your loved one is still in there. Yes the terrorist is holding their brain tightly, rarely allows them to speak …
✳️✳️ SECRET: and they want to be saved. They are in a living hell.
Our loved ones need PERMISSION (Boundaries) to violate the commands of the eating disorder. It is our permission that allows them to eat the food they need to be well, receive care, receive treatment, stop behaviors…
In a quiet moment, when they are in their wise mind, they will often “out” themselves. Be the truth teller. Let us know what is really happening. Tell us what they need. They will leave telltale signs of behaviors… Because they’re desperate to be saved.
We must save our loved ones. They cannot save themselves.
No one navigating an eating disorder should ever walk alone.
They are serious brain based biological illnesses… Our loved ones never choose an eating disorder. The eating disorder, the terrorist, chooses them.
50 to 80% of the risk is genetics. The genetics do not have to be an eating disorder. They can be anxiety, depression, OCD, mood and personality disorders, substance use, alcoholism… Any of these things can create the genetic predisposition.
It’s also important understand that only 6% of patients experiencing an eating disorder are clinically underweight.
Do not think your loved one is not incredibly ill because they’re not emaciated. They can be just as compromised.
