CAGED HEAT: a summer of nicolas kim coppola, hammy wide-eyed iconoclast

CAGED HEAT: a summer of nicolas kim coppola, hammy wide-eyed iconoclast Nick cage himself once said:

the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: "theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you

07/22/2021

been a while. got a few to catch up on.

Let's catch up before the sion sono movie plays at fantasia?

07/07/2019

(also: i promised several other top-10 lists. i found all those lists. i never finished putting the images and text together, but I will soon.)

07/07/2019

WHAT'S NEXT FOR NICOLAS CAGE (AND CAGED HEAT)? AN INVESTIGATION-STROKE-COMMITMENT TO MY POOR POOR READERS

Hi followers, long time no talk! I watched two more Cage movies, and I'll post those reviews sometime soon. I know, I know... "only two? you're slipping, Will." ACTUALLY I'M NOT, NICOLAS CAGE IS? "ONLY TWO MOVIES IN THE LAST NINE MONTHS, NIC?" I hear you say. Actually he isn't slipping EITHER; his flicks just haven't been releasing at the speed he creates them. I did a little research about Cage's (and Caged Heat's) future, and there are 8ish (?) movies listed on his IMDB that are in some stage of production right now. They all sound... pretty amazing, in different ways?

Anyway, two reviews will come out soon, because it's hot out again and Caged Heat is not a winter activity (for some reason). One of those reviews will involve me getting sprayed with a garden hose (NOTE: does anyone I know in Montreal have a garden hose?) But, before then, here is what I know about his "to be released" movies. It is important to note that I DIDN'T MAKE ANY OF THESE UP. It would be extremely on-brand for me to make one up, but I didn't. I couldn't have. They're so perfect.

REVIEWS COMING SOON: 89. Between Worlds and 90. Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse. Then... someday...

91. A Score to Settle (2019) - Probably the most predictably this-era-Cage-sounding movie on the list, a mob enforcer gets out of jail after being locked up for 22 years, plans to get revenge, but forms a relationship with his presumably (if I understand years correctly) now-adult son. Ok, fine!

92. Primal (2020) - NOW IT GET JUICY. A big-game hunter is moving big game on a boat, presumably to… put in a zoo? But there's also an assassin on board who is assassinating, I guess, by RELEASING THE BIG GAME. This is a Hitman game achievement and Snakes On A Plane rolled into one Nicolas Cage movie. Is he the hunter? Or the assassin? Or someone else? I honestly don't care. Let me watch this. (EDIT: I read more and he's the hunter. and the assassin is just a… mercenary who does it for… reasons? I'm still on board. Also he is filming in Puerto Rico to raise money for the rebuild there, which feels so long ago now but really wasn't?)

93. Kill Chain (2020?) - I don't know much about this one yet. Apparently it's a noir, "three strangers lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for," and according to IMDb trivia, "The 7th time Nicoles [sic] Cage play [sic] a character named John[.]" The other two strangers are Veronica Mars's dad and Sookie Stackhouse's brother. Sold!

94. Running with the Devil (2019) - It has a poster already, and it's one of those "let's put 8 actor names on the poster" movies. LET'S LIST EM... Nicolas Cage. Laurence Fishburne. Leslie Bibb. Adam Goldberg. Uhh… Barry Pepper? Clifton Collins Jr.? Cole Hauser and Peter Facinelli? Okay. There's co***ne being stolen and they're trying to figure out how. I bet there's a gun in this movie!

95. Color Out of Space (2019) - For real: a South African director who dresses like Crocodile Dundee is making his first feature length movie since the 90's (clarification: 1996's Island of Dr. Moreau!). If IMDb is correct here, and it's an HP Lovecraft adaptation with Nicolas Cage. Richard Stanley (said director) made Hardware, which was apparently a Terminator knockoff that had Lemmy and Iggy Pop in it aaaaand I now need to see Hardware. But also I need to see this. CAGE x LOVECRAFT 2019. SIGN ME UP.

96. Grand Isle (20??) - A dad is charged for murder, he didn't do it, blah blah blah WAIT KELSEY GRAMMER IS IN THIS. DOCTOR FRASIER CRANE VS (or teamed up with, idk) THE HUMANITY BUREAU'S NOAH KROSS? WHO IN THE BLAZES READ MY DREAM JOURNAL, NILES

97. The Croods 2 (2020) - You saw the first one. You'll see the second one. It will be 2020's Citizen Kane. It will be a masterpiece, the likes of which we have not seen since 2013's Citizen Kane, The Croods.

98. Prisoners of the Ghostland (2020) - A notorious criminal must… break an evil curse… to rescue a girl… and… it's directed by SION SONO. I'm sorry, what? The director of Su***de Club (which I... think I liked, but I definitely rented on DVD, to give you an idea of how long it's been) is making an (presumably) English debut with the master, Nicolas Cage? Didn't Sion Sono make a six-hour rom-com about an up***rt pervert? CAN SONO AND CAGE SERIOUSLY BOTH STUNT AT THE SAME TIME? I might even watch some Sion Sono movies in advance of this.

99. Jiu Jitsu (????) - This is apparently not only a movie, but a start for a brand-ass-new franchise. Finally!!! A new Cage franchise! From the creator of Kickboxer: Retaliation, which is definitely a movie I knew existed (lie)! It's also going to have Tony Jaa in it, which is awesome, and Randy Couture, which is… definitely a thing. ONG BAK x NICOLAS CAGE FINALLY

100. 10 Double Zero (????) - If my math is right, this will be Cage's 100th release. I think ten with a double zero (instead of a single zero, of course) is a hundred. Damn. Who cares what it's even about? (it's about cops getting revenge against cop killers, ugh). A HUNDRED CAGES!

So that's a bunch of movies I will have to watch, because I have formed a life bond with Nicolas Cage now, but at least the pace won't be roughly one a day. One day, Nicolas Cage will be uploaded to the cloud, and an infinite number of Nicolas Cage movies will be released, and I will not be able to keep up, until I am uploaded to the cloud, and then I can keep up. Hopefully by then you're all in the cloud with me. In a way, I feel like we're all already in the cloud together. I have not slept in a while. Thanks for reading!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KINGnicolas cage is 55 today!
01/07/2019

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KING

nicolas cage is 55 today!

I keep taking my time with these damn top-10 lists, but the next one should be soon. In the meantime, please read this s...
12/13/2018

I keep taking my time with these damn top-10 lists, but the next one should be soon. In the meantime, please read this short article about my most anticipated movie of 2019 or 2020 or whatever year it releases:

https://screenanarchy.com/2018/12/nicolas-cage-calls-sion-sonos-prisoners-of-the-ghostland-the-wildest-movie-ive-ever-made.html

We love Nicolas Cage for the unabashed intensity with which he seems to approach any role he is offered, and in recent years, boy have there been a lot of them. The actor was in Macau this past weekend at...

After viewing all of his films, and taking careful notes and doing detailed analysis and lol just kidding I just made a ...
11/29/2018

After viewing all of his films, and taking careful notes and doing detailed analysis and lol just kidding I just made a list, I have determined the ten legitimately best Nicolas Cage performances. If you were to watch these ten films, you could understand why he is considered, truly, one of the greatest actors of his generation. You’ll get why Ethan Hawke said he is the first person to do something new in acting since Marlon Brando (or something).

To be clear, this is not a list of his “greatest performances” in the NICOLAS CAGE!!! way. Don’t worry, I’ve made that list too. And this list is probably incredibly easy to dispute. Many of these movies aren’t even good. I found something in each one that really impressed me; an unexpected vulnerability, a hidden depth, a spark of something. In fact, it’s the movies that are bad or mediocre where it is most impressive. While Cage has been accused of phoning it in a couple of times, he certainly hasn’t sleepwalked through any periods of his career, as this list should attest. In fact, more of this list is from his “direct to video” period than any other!

10. Dying of the Light (2014)

I was just about as surprised as you might be that I ranked this in the top ten. A spy gets tortured, and his torturer is “killed,” but he’s convinced he isn’t killed, so a kind-of bad episode of 24 starts. Cage is so great in this though: the spy in question is suffering from a degenerative brain illness, which causes memory loss, bouts of overwhelming emotion, and the frustration those symptoms cause. He doesn’t overdo it or ham it up, though; he treats it with a delicate touch we rarely see, and an empathetic one.

9. Army of One (2016)

On the flipside is his portrayal of Gary, which is the perfect level of hammy, with good reason: he’s playing a real guy who’s REAL hammy. There are some videos out there on Fox & Friends (who paint him as some kind of tactical expert, because of course they do), David Letterman (where he seems like just a wacky fun Rambo), and other places, and they’re worth checking out if you ever plan on watching this flick. He’s not as animated as Cage is in this movie, though, so Nic and the director made a decision to elevate this eccentricity to match the level of the story (which isn’t that far off real life!). So you get this weirdo with a Peggy Sue Got Married voice, this absurd confidence, and this off-putting, aggressive friendliness. If it were just that, it’d be memorable and fun — but the addition of God, played by Russell Brand, allows Cage to show another side: a groveling, cowering, quivering mess, like an Old Testament NPC. His relentless commitment to both sides (and ability to jump immediately from one to the other and back in the same shot) is the 3D Chess of acting, and a joy to watch.

8. Joe (2013)

I’m not American, so I can’t say with absolute confidence that David Gordon Green portrays the American South in an authentic way, but it certainly feels authentic from up here. This film has a bunch of memorable characters but none as complicated as the titular Joe. Cage manages to play a man extremely capable of harshness and violence, but one who struggles with softness and compassion. And that character is forced to display softness and compassion for a kid named Gary. And he plays “bad at compassion” incredibly well.

7. Looking Glass (2018)

After a career of playing tough guys, or at the very least, brave losers, it was pretty unexpected to see Cage play a cowardly, nervous nerd. This movie is a mess: it feels like it has something to say about “sexual deviance” but it never really gets around to saying it, but it feels like Cage worked backwards from the script to inform his performance: what kind of person would find what is essentially the ultimate peeping Tom hole, and flirt with its use, hiding it from his partner with whom he bought this hotel? What you end up with is this passive, weak, deplorable coward, played excellently by someone whose calling card is often rage and righteousness.

6. Kiss of Death (1995)

Shortly before his three-hit combo of RockAirFace, Cage co-starred with CSI Miami Sunglasses Man in this gritty crime drama which could definitely be described as “also a movie.” Cage as a villain is a great set-up that doesn’t happen often enough, but instead of high camp, Cage brings a degree of empathy that would never have existed with a lesser actor in the role. He’s big, and he’s mean, and he’s dumb, and he’s violent, yes — but behind all of the brutishness is a young man, too stupid to do anything else, desperately trying to perform the role in life he’s forced to play.

5. Raising Arizona (1987)

Something I didn’t expect going into this movie was seeing Nic Cage essentially play Bugs Bunny, but that’s what I saw. I’m surprised he never became a more frequent Coen collaborator; maybe because their careers moved in different directions? But his commitment to his character plays perfectly against their silliest, slapstickiest tendencies, and allows him to maintain credibility at its most dangerous moments.

4. Mandy (2018)

Two movies, two Cages, two excellent performances. While what he does for the second half of the film is great, it doesn’t feel like it’s out of reach for any other actor to accomplish: with a story and direction this insane, there are plenty of “wild” actors who could have delivered that blood o**y satisfyingly. But the gentle, kind, protective Red Miller in the first half of the movie? Maybe other actors could have done that too, but I can’t think of any that would be able to so successfully do both — and, while doing it, anchor each performance in the other, making this movie feel more like two halves of the same thing and less like two stories with the same face in it.

3. Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

He won the Oscar, and he deserved it. I’m no fan of the flick, really. Maybe it didn’t age well. It was probably an incredibly unfun thing to work on, too, because he probably got very drunk before a lot of the scenes. But he nailed the character. And of course he did. He studied. He picked up twitches and trembles and stumbles and stammers. Watching him gives you the same sense of nausea as watching someone with a real substance abuse problem. “To what end?” might be a good question, but as an example of his craft, it is excellent.

2. Birdy (1984)

Arguably Cage’s first excellent role (unless you count Rumble Fish). He’s so young that it feels more like proto-Cage than it does Cage. It’s a performance that shows a powerful love between two best friends, except for most of the movie, one of those friends is unable to communicate, so the other has to do all of the work showing it.

1. Adaptation (2002)

I feel like virtually anyone else would have been lost under the weight of Kaufman and Jonze. Especially while playing. Kaufman. And Kaufman’s imaginary brother. I’m not a big fan typically of “acting as impression” — if so, I’d be arguing for Jay Pharoah to get an Oscar or something — oh God, imagine Alec Baldwin got an Oscar for Trump — kill me now — but Cage somehow gives life to a re-enactment of a person I have never seen before and makes it feel like he’s the real one. I saw a video of Charlie Kaufman after watching this movie and it made me uncomfortable because he felt like an impostor. And the other one is just different enough to make it feel like two fully-formed characters.

CAGED HEAT: THE RECAPWell, I'm done. As done as I said I'd be, anyway. It took me until early October to watch everythin...
11/14/2018

CAGED HEAT: THE RECAP

Well, I'm done. As done as I said I'd be, anyway. It took me until early October to watch everything, and until mid-October to post everything that wasn't Mandy, and until early November to make that post (if you missed it: I had a mini-mockumentary planned. It did not pan out on account of my computer deciding it was done working).

I ended up watching 0.69 movies per day. Nice. Did I purposely not finish the last movie for two days to make this happen? Only I will know the answer to that question. (I did, now you're in on the secret too!) SEE DIAGRAM 1.

My morale meter did the unthinkable: it dipped below 0. Can you believe it? The completely made-up statistic that makes no sense was broken?! SEE DIAGRAM 2.

Now that I have all of these ratings that I've come up with, what do I do with them? I mean, you can use them as a guide next time you want to watch a Nic Cage movie, sure! But since I'm being as obnoxiously self-obsessed as possible for this whole adventure, why not compare myself to the fans and critics? I found the 10 movies I agree and disagree with the Metacritic ratings (and Metacritic fan ratings) the most, and I will attempt to find the reason behind the numbers.

ME vs FANS:
Movies they love more: City of Angels, Sonny, Guarding Tess, Windtalkers, Seeking Justice
Movies I like more: Snake Eyes, The Wicker Man, Mom and Dad, Rage, Army of One (SEE DIAGRAM 3.)

Tough one to interpret. Loving Seeking Justice and Windtalkers makes me think there's a bunch of dads who like fantasizing about the army and murdering anyone who touches their daughter. City of Angels was a fave of many at the time and everyone owned the soundtrack, so there's that. Sonny... James Franco stans I guess? Who else would have watched it? And Guarding Tess... Jesus. That having a high fan rating is just proof that some people wanna watch the world burn.

The ones I like and they hate make more sense: they're stupid, and violent, and often unintentionally funny, and tasteless. This says a lot about me.

Me vs. CRITICS:
Movies they love more: Leaving Las Vegas, The Ant Bully, Windtalkers, The Cotton Club, Valley Girl
Movies I like more: Vampire's Kiss, Con Air, The Wicker Man, The Rock, Mom and Dad (SEE DIAGRAM 4.)

Explanation for this? Mainstream movie critics are jackasses. That was easy. (I'll give them Valley Girl, I might have underrated that one. But the Ant Bully? Are you fu***ng kidding me?)

Nic Cage's jobs have not changed much. As he's aged, he's played more dads, but he still has his wheelhouse: cops, troops, and criminals. Sometimes all three! SEE DIAGRAM 5.

Also, his rating remains at a perfect average of 5.0 stars. SEE DIAGRAM 6.

So, over the next few days, I'll be posting a few top tens:

- Top ten movies
- Top ten worst movies (but actually, good)
- Top ten worst movies (but actually really bad)
- Top ten Nicolas Cage performances
- Top ten NICOLAS CAGE performances (there is a difference)

After that, who knows! Maybe that dang Spider-Man movie will be out by then.

88. Mandy (2018)What’s this movie about?Here we go: it’s Mandy time. And it’s about damn time. This movie is like two mo...
11/08/2018

88. Mandy (2018)

What’s this movie about?

Here we go: it’s Mandy time. And it’s about damn time. This movie is like two movies in one: it starts as a slow, gorgeous, dread-inducing character study with stunning visuals and a pretty awesome sense of space. Cage is Red Miller and Andrea Riseborough is Mandy (and is fantastic in this). They live together in the middle of nowhere, rarely seeing anyone (despite Mandy working at a general store, we never see her there until the new kids in town introduce themselves). A van full of Near Dark-style weirdos rolls into town, though, with bad cult vibes, and Mandy & Red start feeling imposed on before anything even happens. Then SOMETHING HAPPENS, and it’s a new movie, and that new movie is basically the end of Oldboy, but for an hour and with increasingly Airbrushed On A Van visuals.

What is Nic Cage doing?

Two movies means two Nics Cage: a gentle, quiet, thoughtful, realistic, fully-formed partner to Mandy, and then Evil Dead Bruce Campbell.

How am *I* doing?

I guess… I’m… done? I’m out of Nicolas Cage movies? I feel weirdly fu**ed up about it. It was a long and weird summer (slash most of autumn). It’s jarring to watch a man age 40 years in 3 months. Also, he’s a really good actor. Am I crazy? Is anyone more inherently watchable? Is there anything more important than watchability? I’m glad to know he’s still on his wild several-movies-a-year clip, because it means I never really have to stop watching him in things. I hope he never retires. I hope he outlives me. If he doesn’t, I hope he’s got a secret Prince-like vault full of unreleased films just waiting for us to watch.

How good is this movie?

The first act of this movie is one of the easiest 5/5 stars of all time. When it plays out like a kaleidoscopic Rosemary’s Baby, it feels like it’ll be one of my favourite movies of all time. Of course, I knew it was going to turn into the movie I had heard about, and the “turn” is a violent and immediate escalation that makes sense but left me a little cold. The rest of the movie is very cool and weird and stylish and funny but it left me wanting a movie that lives in the world of everything before the title card (which comes an hour into the movie, lol). Look, I almost gave this 4/5 stars, but that’s no fun way to do my last review, right? F**k it, 5/5 stars. Extra star for the perfect graphics.

Late addition: I wrote most of this review in August when I watched the movie, which I saw at that festival because I figured there’d be no easy way to see it otherwise, but now it turns out that the movie is selling out cinemas and they have to re-think their entire release plan because it’s so unexpectedly successful in theatres. That’s exciting! You should go see it! I might go see it again with a less Fantasia-y audience!

Later addition: that’s probably over now. Well it’s on VOD, anyway.

How good is Nic Cage in this movie?

I saw this at the Fantasia Film Festival, and people were laughing over him. I guess this is where Nicolas Cage is in 2018. Which is a shame. At one point he is in emotional and physical agony, and drags himself to the bathroom to drink and sanitize his wounds. He is in his white underpants and looks pathetic and walks with a hunch (probably due to the pain). This is when the emotional anguish kicks in, and he starts to scream and drink. It’s astounding, because it is simultaneously so powerful and so pathetic. But because it is Nicolas Cage, and the meme is “he overacts,” the crowd whooped, hollered and clapped over the whole thing. I hope to hell he can climb back into an Oscar conversation at some point (for what the stupid Oscars are worth anyway), because he’s been putting in the work. The world just stopped taking him seriously. 5/5 stars.

Best Nic Cage face of the movie, plus my best approximation of said face

Taking these photos has been the most difficult and embarrassing and self-mortifying part of this entire adventure, so it’d be a shame if I didn’t save the most difficult, embarrassing, self-mortifying photo for last.

http://www.brilliam.net/cagedheat/2018/11/08/88-mandy-2018/

Recap to come tomorrow.

11/06/2018

well, heck: i've been real slow on posting the last review because i planned on making a fun mini-documentary wherein i struggle to recreate the last photo. it was a really good idea! but then my hard drive ate s**t and i lost everything, including my video editing software, sooooooo that's no good. so y'all will get the post, without the cute video soon!

87. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (2018)What's this movie about?This movie is about the Teen Titans, who are a superhero...
10/15/2018

87. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (2018)

What's this movie about?

This movie is about the Teen Titans, who are a superhero group made entirely of teens I suppose, wanting to have their own movie. Over the course of the movie we are watching they (well, mostly Robin, I suppose) get into all sorts of antics in their attempt to get a movie. They get up to some wild TIME PARADOX hijinks and Will Arnett arches them as Deathstroke. Who the movie kind of makes fun of for being a Deadpool knock-off, which is RIDICULOUS, because Deadpool is a Deathstroke knock-off! DS, aka Slade Wilson. DP, aka Wade Wilson. Stroke. Swimming. Pool. Wade. And also, Deadshot, the DC superhero who looks kind of like Deadpool, has nothing to do with Deadpool or Deathstroke. Comics are bad.

What is Nic Cage doing?

Cage finally gets his shot to play Superman, which he does for like... a few lines? Long enough to tell Robin & cie. that they don't deserve a movie because they're mostly sidekicks (but then we find out Alfred and the Batmobile each have a movie). He's uh more or less just soundin' like Nicolas Cage here.

How am *I* doing?

I'm a little embarrassed that I know so much about Marvel and DC IP characters Deadpool and Deathstroke. Also a little embarrassed at how slowly I am lurching towards the finish line here. This is the penultimate post in my quest, though! And my last drawing!

How good is this movie?

You know, this is a fun movie. It is very much for kids, but it has lots of little meta jokes tossed in, and feels like a love letter to DC as well as Marvel (Stan Lee gets a cameo, because everything is nothing and time is a flat circle or something). Some fun little ditties in it, some wacky situations (kinda feels like 5 episodes of the show mashed together (or what I imagine the show is, anyway--never seen it)). I had fun. 4/5 stars.

How good is Nic Cage in this movie?

Superman Lives this ain't. We'll never get THAT Superman. But we got a Superman here, and Nicolas Cage got to play it, which probably made him super happy, which in turn makes me super happy. 5/5 stars.

Best Nic Cage face of the movie, plus my best approximation of said face

I will never, ever draw again.

http://www.brilliam.net/cagedheat/2018/10/15/87-teen-titans-go-to-the-movies-2018/

86. 211 (2018)What's this movie about?Some blackwater-type dudes get screwed out of some money while blackwatering off i...
10/12/2018

86. 211 (2018)

What's this movie about?

Some blackwater-type dudes get screwed out of some money while blackwatering off in one of the many places they send blackwater. After killing, uh, anyone they can see, they decide to come back to America, and rob a bank while killing pretty much anyone they can see. Based on a true story!

What is Nic Cage doing?

He's... a cop. Of course he is. He tries to stop a guy on a parking violation: it turns out to be a blackwater DARK TROOP and the whole rigmarole begins. Oh, did I mention he has a kid in the car with him? A kid who was there for a ride-along because he punched a guy who bullied him? Did I mention this is based on a true story?

How am *I* doing?

It's funny. I'm SO CLOSE to the end. As of writing this, I have watched every movie, written almost every review (one left after this), taken almost every picture (one left after this), all of it. And yet I am stalling out. I feel like this says something about me and finishing projects. How long as it been since my last post? Like a week? Why? Why am I failing so hard at doing this? I mean, I have nothing to say about this movie, sure, but that certainly didn't stop me with previous ones. Do I just want this to be in progress forever? I'm mad at myself right now.

How good is this movie?

This movie sucks. I dunno if it's supposed to be an action or a drama or whatever but it just feels like a "and then this happens, and then this happens, and then this happens" story. Maybe because it's, as I mentioned a hundred times I think, based on a true story? They can't make it, uh, good? It's bad, folks. 1/5 stars.

How good is Nic Cage in this movie?

In a movie where he could've sleepwalked, he actually delivers the best scene in the movie: when asking where his backup was, after his cop partner/son (I know, I know) gets shot and is maybe dead, he kinda has a freak-out on the SWAT guy. It's an incredibly believable scene and the only one where anyone shows an emotion that isn't "gritted teeth face." 5/5 stars.

Best Nic Cage face of the movie, plus my best approximation of said face

Near the beginning, he gives a bulls**t ticket to a hippie, and while looking through the hippie's bag, he does this. It's not his finest moment, but hey, none of this is my finest moment, so what the heck why not!

http://www.brilliam.net/cagedheat/2018/10/12/86-211-2018/

85. The Humanity Bureau (2018)What's this movie about?Ok I can tell you but like please know that it doesn't really matt...
10/07/2018

85. The Humanity Bureau (2018)

What's this movie about?

Ok I can tell you but like please know that it doesn't really matter: it's a dystopian future and people have to be productive or they get sent to a farm upstate or something. Cage is the sender until he finds out the truth: THE PUPPIES DON'T JUST FROLIC ON THE FARM

What is Nic Cage doing?

He's a... cop? Bureaucrat? He tells people they're deported and does paperwork but also has a pistol. BUT THEN HE DOESN'T. Look none of this is the important part okay? Just keep reading for the love of God

How am *I* doing?

Hahahahahaha was this movie real? Did I dream-watch this? This couldn't have been real hahahaha I'm losing my grip

How good is this movie?

THIS MOVIE WAS WRITTEN BY AN ALIEN. A SPACE ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE. That is the only way I can comprehend this script. I mean the plot is basically just a hacky episode of Black Mirror (aka: an episode of Black Mirror! BOOM, GOT 'EM). The dialogue, though, is *ITALIAN HAND KISS*. The English in this movie is best described as a nearly-passable emulation of English. The exposition when the bad-guys talk to each other is insane. Behold this interaction between two evil bald men and an evil woman:

MAN 1 (opening a cardboard box, sitting on a PALLET OF SIMILAR BOXES, in the middle of a big, clean, empty warehouse) "I had these brought here so I could make a point..." [picks up a little white thing] "what is that? Tooth or bone?"
WOMAN "I believe that's a child's tooth."
MAN 1 "Yeah, you're right, it is. So you take a good look at that, Westinghouse, and you find Cross and you find him quickly, or you may find yourself in New Eden as well."

What... what point did this tooth make? Why is there a pallet of cardboard boxes full of baby teeth? WHAT IS THIS MOVIE? Why does the child in this movie, a pre-teen boy in 2030's America, say things like "for keeps?" and "hey, mister!"? Did they only get our '50s movies in the alien ship? Am I losing my mind? At one point the villain opens a can of sardines, takes a sloppy handful and eats it, and immediately puts his glove back on. We are supposed to accept that this is normal. He does not lick his fingers, wipe his hand, or anything. He just crams a bunch of fish guts back into his glove. Someone tell me I didn't watch this movie and just had a dream about it. That's the only thing that would make sense. I am giving this movie 5/5 stars -- not because it deserves it on the merit of being a good film (if that were my criterion it would deserve a 1), but because the mess is so glorious I watched with my mouth agape the entire time. I can't believe this exists. I am telling you right now: this film could very easily become one of those The Room-type movies, with everyone loving it for how terrible it is. It is a joy. Watch this movie with friends! I am convinced I will, several times!

How good is Nic Cage in this movie?

It's hard to say. The entire cast has such a hard time with this script that you can hear them reading it half the time. Because nobody. Talks. Like. This. However as far as I can tell Cage said all of the words in the right order, which is the most anyone could ask, given the circumstances? 5/5 stars?

Best Nic Cage face of the movie, plus my best approximation of said face

Look, I want you to watch this movie. As such, I am only going to use a screenshot from the first five minutes of the movie, when Nicolas Cage is driving down a deserted street and doing the whole "I'm acting as someone who is driving so I am moving the wheel around too much" thing.

Very cool, like and comment... wait, there's more to this review?

I'M NOT FINISHED! So apparently this movie was shot natively in a new cinema format that someone was trying to make as a rival to IMAX. It's called "Barco Escape"; give it a quick Google. It's THREE SCREENS STACKED SIDE-TO-SIDE with ELEVEN POINT ONE surround sound. It is basically a Simpsons joke about widescreen movies, except real life, and not a joke. This movie was shot NATIVELY to that format -- a format that existed for less than three years before shuttering (and as far as I can tell, it shuttered before this movie was released?). Looking at trailers and videos, they use this not only to create absurdly, pointlessly wide panoramic shots, but also to have MULTIPLE SHOTS ON SCREEN AT THE SAME TIME? Like, one screen in the car, one chopper shot, and one chase camera? Why, oh WHY, did I pass up my opportunity to pay what I can only imagine was like $42 for a ticket to see one of these messes?

Good addition. Well, bye...

WAIT! I AM STILL NOT DONE! In addition to THAT, there was an app made for VR headsets, allowing you to watch this movie as it WOULD HAVE APPEARED in the Barco Escape format on your VR headset. (except the 3D sound doesn't work right, apparently). Also they apparently split the movie into seven episodes?! If you have a VR headset, I will buy you this movie/app? (wait lol it's FREE!), as long as you let me watch it just once, as the filmmakers intended: with a giant chunk of plastic on my head, pretending to get the Barco Escape Experience. THE HUMANITY BUREAU!

You aren't done.

You're right, I'm not. One more fun fact for Canadians who grew up on 90s/2000s Muchmusic: the villain in this movie is played by Hugh Dillon. That might not mean much to you until I say "do you remember a little band called The Headstones?" because if you do IT'S THAT GUY. Ok. Done for real now. I promise.

Promise?

Promise. Seriously though this movie rules. Watch it.

http://www.brilliam.net/cagedheat/2018/10/07/85-the-humanity-bureau-2018/

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