CoupleSolutions

12/27/2021

Being locked down with your partner or family is not that different from being on a months-long space mission. What can we learn from NASA's study of human interaction?

- Don't avoid conflict, manage it.
- Monitor what others are thinking or feeling about you to make adjustments in your behavior.
- Watch yourself for excessive conscientiousness (which can seem like nagging.)
- Increase novel stimulation to replace boredom with creativity.
- Change your partner for some tasks when friction seems likely.
- Use routines to provide needed structure.
- Keep communication open so that problems do not reach crisis levels.
- Encourage a variety of social roles, such as leader, storyteller, social secretary, and especially clown!

If you or your partner have trouble with any of these suggestions, that's understandable. I can help.

Missions to the red planet will need a new breed of astronaut

07/24/2021

A simple and powerful explanation of the most common reason couples break up, and what to do about it. Thanks Steven Stosny!

Nearly a third of people who stay in relationships report on surveys that they feel isolated and lonely. Disengagement – loss of connection and intimacy – is...

07/14/2021

Are you ever giving your partner the feeling you are delighted by their very existence?

Many people will not admit how much they yearn for unconditional love and devotion within an adult intimate relationship.  Instead, they talk about working together as a team, ensuring that no person outworks the other, each person getting their needs met equally at all times (despite this being im...

12/22/2020

Some people come into therapy upset that their partner doesn’t seem “present” or “romantic” or “emotionally expressive” enough. We really need to distinguish between what is possible for a non-Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and what is not, and understand what can be changed via therapy...

03/22/2020

Great post about how your relationship may be affected, and what to do about it.

What to do, what to avoid, and how to find opportunities in disguise The outbreak of the coronavirus (COVID-19) has our communities facing several rapid changes. The shortage of basic goods, social distancing, and the order to shelter in place have caused intense emotional reactions and a strain on....

03/20/2020

Not particularly for couples, but anyone who wants to cope with worry better. This is a free dozen-page PDF from Psychology Tools, a respected resource.

Click this link URL, not the image:
https://4648dcw4pye15w61x1reklps-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/assets/covid-19/guide_to_living_with_worry_and_anxiety_amidst_global_uncertainty_en-us.pdf

02/19/2020

There is some proper research in this article. But if you find it invalidating of your position, it might be time for couple counseling.

It might be human nature to undervalue what's chugging along doing fine while imagining there's a mythical 'best' partner out there somewhere. A psychology researcher has advice.

12/02/2019

12/02/2019

Some gems from Dr. Steven Stosny, so concise, and yet so rich! I use all these ideas in working with couples.

For example, one partner notices something outside the window, "Oh, there's a boat out on the lake!", and the other partner giving at most a grunt and not looking up from their tablet or phone.

Eminent researcher Dr. John Gottman found this hardly-noticeable pattern of failing to respond / turn towards such bids for attention / connection is actually predictive of divorce!

This article by Stosny notes that the effort required to focus/refocus may explain why this phenomenon occurs. I know that when I'm so wrapped up in my work, it can be really difficult to shift away for a moment.

While some of us may find it hard, it's worthwhile to make that extra effort to respond, to make sure to pay attention regularly enough to show interest in your partner. You don't want your partner's bids to fail and feel like rejection. Negotiating and respecting rituals or a deliberate schedule for an abundance of moments of connection (e.g. mealtimes, moments of distress, moments of parting and returning, bedtimes) can help.

Yes, we all lead busy lives. If it seems like there is not enough time to take the few minutes each day to do this, you might want to re-evaluate your priorities. If it seems like this is not really important, you may not be fully aware of emotional needs of your partner and yourself, and the long-term consequences of deferring them.

Why do we so often misunderstand loved ones?

11/27/2019

I've been chatting about this topic with other couple therapists. There is a strong consensus that this would be a mistake.

Individual therapy Is not the place to decide to end your marriage, writes NYC marriage counselor Jean Fitzpatrick. You need tools, coaching, and active help.