08/04/2023
I think it's time that I'm honest with you.
I've been struggling hard to show up here.
A while ago I started to explore why this was happening with my therapist.
I used to flip that switch of “Live” and chat confidently with you here on social, dropping all that I know and love to help my fellow IBS-ers.
Then I was one day I was frozen, totally incapable of hitting “post” on any of my (I’m not kidding you) hundreds of photos, tips and more, ready and waiting in my phone.
When I did post, it was not without shaky hands, serious self criticism, anxiety...
During a session, my therapist asked me what the earliest memory I had of rejection was.
I recalled one day, when I was a wee lass of 8 or 9, playing with a friend down the road and her cousin. I innocently announced that “I had to go pee” and climbed down the ladder from the loft we were playing in. I stopped at the door of the shed because I could hear my friend and her cousin talk about me.
“Your friend is so weird!” I heard him say this to my friend. She proceeded to agree with him.
It was like a double drop kick to the gut, because before that, I thought I was actually quite hilarious, and thought that was one of my biggest “things” in fact. I ran all the way home, feeling humiliated, rejected for just being myself, and totally hurt.
Some themes came up during my therapy sessions, such as on that fateful day as a little girl feeling “if I am myself, I'll get hurt”, and “I'm not ok the way I am”.
Turns out the more eyeballs I started to feel on me in my practice, my social media, on webinars, or on my email list, etc., the more insecurity crept in, because that’s more people who could “not like me”.
The level of disappointment I felt in myself was astronomical. I had diluted the real Jessica like a watery McDonald’s coffee?! Ick.
Anyhoo, that all stops now.
I’ve made progress at working through my schtuff, and will continue to do so.
You’ll be seeing my true self come out to play, more and more.
I just want to help you get you off the toilet, and have a laugh, or fifty, along the way after all.
Stick around if authenticity (and a dash of tasteful profanity) sounds good to you ✨